top of page
Search

1. Feelings

Updated: May 4, 2020


It is difficult to fight them. Or is it?

Written Monday, September 16, 2019 / Day 35 / Morning


Living in grief means that feelings are your ruler. I am subject to the feelings of the moment it seems. And these aren’t just your normal melancholy feelings of being sad or upset or put off or whatever they might be. No these are the industrial strength feelings. Feelings that find you and take you outside and knock you around for a while until they are done with you.


They leave you exhausted in every way - and they are part of the world of grief - at least from what I am experiencing.


Yesterday was the first full day back after the week at the beach. So there were things to unpack, laundry to do, bills to pay and correspondence to complete that had been pressing on my mind to send out.


But what was also a running theme throughout the day were the uncontrollable moments of anguish.


Perhaps grief was trying to make up for my time away in the neutral environment - who knows, nothing right now can be understood as logical as much as that is my nature and I try to do it anyway.


No these were quite intense moments where I just was so upset that my wife is not here.


Sobbing and crying as the thoughts of the moment pressed on me. A deep despair with a touch of anguish.


I went through my logic - but now with a follow-up twist - one I had used before.


God, you took her, she is at peace, we are good with that. She is no longer suffering and that is wonderful. But I AM SUFFERING! Why does her peace mean I have to be suffering like this!


You know how much I love her and I took care of her in every way - you KNOW that. I may do a lot of other things wrong - but you KNOW I TOOK CARE OF HER WITH MY WHOLE HEART!


So rescue me from this anguish! This pain! Please take it away. You can supply every need of the human heart….so SUPPLY MINE!


And so it went. At every occurrence of this intense emotion I would go through this thought process.


It was a day of physical accomplishments - but in between the laundry and bills and correspondence were streams of tears and pleadings.


As many of us in grief do experience we ask the questions: “How long must this go on?”, “I know they are no longer here - make this hurt go away!”.


I would plead, I still want to love her - I know she is not here - just let memories be uplifting and not so incredibly sad.


So the day ended.


Off to bed I went.


And when I awoke - several things seemed to be different.


Once again, I had the very unusual feeling I was rested. As I have mentioned in other essays, that is not normal these days. So to feel rested is a real attention-getter to me.


Interesting.


Then, as I was marveling about being so rested another thing struck me.


I feel sort of…together.


How is that possible?


Well I know how that is possible - I got a little help on that front.


So I got up, still marveling about how together I was feeling.


Are these perhaps just “feelings”?


The day will tell.


Or perhaps I have reached a new level.


Well, grief and its friends are still in town, so we’ll see how it goes.


I will enjoy the rest and the calm.


And consider it another small step into my future.

Comments

bottom of page