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1. Leftovers

Written Friday, December 13, 2019 / Day 123 / Early Morning

When you think of leftovers the idea is rather depressing. Usually the first thing that comes to mind is leftover food. The reason is that leftover food is just not as great as when it was initially prepared.

Sure it is the same meal you had - but the fact that the food is being eaten again just has a negative connotation.

But there are so many leftover in our life we really do not recognize them all. The most exciting one can be if you planned to spend a certain amount of money on something and through a combination of circumstances do not have to use all that money that you had budgeted.

That’s a great leftover.

While I was working, the next best leftover was when we though that I had used up my vacation time but then found out that there was extra time available. Those were extra times we could share and that was a wonderful leftover.

In a greater sense - when my dear sweetie had her miracle in 2015, the miracle of stage 4 metastatic breast cancer disappearing from her CT scans - we both experienced the greatest leftover imaginable. It was not easy living on afterwards in many ways but it was a tremendous gift. A leftover of supreme magnitude. A chance to live and share our love for just a little longer.

We always appreciated that gift.

Now in the present I am faced with a new world of leftovers. There are so many categories of them that I am overwhelmed at times. They are everywhere I look - and they are in so many thoughts that I have.

And thankfully they do not bite me as they used to. They do not gang up on me and knock me around like they used to do.

My continual prayer is that the sadness becomes a catalyst for joy. And although I seem to be a long way from that goal - I am also a ways down the road from the extreme sadness that these leftovers used to invoke.

I was in the small bath that is attached to our bedroom - it is just a half-bath - there is a rather oversized walk-in shower in it. She used that since it was easier than using the bath tub and so much safer.

I was at the sink and noticed the soap dish. It struck me - there is the soap that she had been using.

A leftover. At least I didn’t cry. This time.

There are several things around the house I have changed subtly. There are others that have been untouched. Unmoved. Undisturbed. And for now they will remain that way. Perhaps I will be strong enough to face them at some point. But for now they will remain where they are.

Leftovers to that time I struggle with wanting to accept but not really wanting to playback the moments that they represent.

Then there are some - a few - very few at this point, leftovers that no longer draw out strong emotions.

Those are welcome leftovers. They are ones I recognize. Note. Reflect on perhaps for a moment - then move on. Gentle reminders that don’t give me a kick when I run into them.

Some I approach preparing myself for that benign experience but find that lurking behind them is the munitions dump of raw emotions. I quickly retreat before I cause an explosion. I have lived through too many of those to want to start another - so I retreat. Their day will come. But that day is not today.

So it is with the leftovers of my life.

They are there and will remain that way.

I long for the day that I can enjoy those leftovers without getting a stomach ache.

I know that day will come.

They will be the best leftovers I could ever have.

1. Leftovers

Written Friday, December 13, 2019 / Day 123 / Early Morning

When you think of leftovers the idea is rather depressing. Usually the first thing that comes to mind is leftover food. The reason is that leftover food is just not as great as when it was initially prepared.

Sure it is the same meal you had - but the fact that the food is being eaten again just has a negative connotation.

But there are so many leftover in our life we really do not recognize them all. The most exciting one can be if you planned to spend a certain amount of money on something and through a combination of circumstances do not have to use all that money that you had budgeted.

That’s a great leftover.

While I was working, the next best leftover was when we though that I had used up my vacation time but then found out that there was extra time available. Those were extra times we could share and that was a wonderful leftover.

We always appreciated that gift.

Now in the present I am faced with a new world of leftovers. There are so many categories of them that I am overwhelmed at times. They are everywhere I look - and they are in so many thoughts that I have.

And thankfully they do not bite me as they used to. They do not gang up on me and knock me around like they used to do.

My continual prayer is that the sadness becomes a catalyst for joy. And although I seem to be a long way from that goal - I am also a ways down the road from the extreme sadness that these leftovers used to invoke.

I was in the small bath that is attached to our bedroom - it is just a half-bath - there is a rather oversized walk-in shower in it. She used that since it was easier than using the bath tub and so much safer.

I was at the sink and noticed the soap dish. It struck me - there is the soap that she had been using.

A leftover. At least I didn’t cry. This time.

There are several things around the house I have changed subtly. There are others that have been untouched. Unmoved. Undisturbed. And for now they will remain that way. Perhaps I will be strong enough to face them at some point. But for now they will remain where they are.

Leftovers to that time I struggle with wanting to accept but not really wanting to playback the moments that they represent.

Then there are some - a few - very few at this point, leftovers that no longer draw out strong emotions.

Those are welcome leftovers. They are ones I recognize. Note. Reflect on perhaps for a moment - then move on. Gentle reminders that don’t give me a kick when I run into them.

So it is with the leftovers of my life.

They are there and will remain that way.

I long for the day that I can enjoy those leftovers without getting a stomach ache.

I know that day will come.

They will be the best leftovers I could ever have.

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