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1. Not as Awful

Written Wednesday, November 13, 2019 / Day 93 / Morning

Finding your way through the world of grief can be a day to day, moment to moment experience. There is no telling how things can go at any one time.

In my world, it’s not that the situation is really that unstable. The real issue is that a disruption can come at any time. Sometimes you know - other times you just don’t.

So in my daily attempt to figure out how I am - the process is quite scattered - especially for the over-active systems analyst that I am.

Even though I have retired, the systems analyst mind-set is still a part of me. I believe that is because it always was me. The profession just grew up around the ability.

So in the area of assessment - there is quite a regular struggle.

What actually are the indicators?

Well, am I sad right now? Do things feel “heavy”? Are there some thoughts that are just nagging at me? How do I feel?

Ahh, the questions. And for all of them not all that same answers.

I frequently focus on my blessings. Physically and financially I am in a good situation. All my needs have been taken care of. I have a respectful set of friends and acquaintances that I am connected to. My family has reached out and included me in a way that has been one of the foundations of strength during the storm that is currently my life.

So on the basis of blessings, there are so many! At least there is a good foundation.

And my continual connection to God through what He built through my sweetie and I over all of those years we studied and built each other up - that is the solid rock I rest upon.

But then we are back to how am I doing - today?

This past weekend was some kind of turning point. The last two essays in Volume 3 explain those amazing days. Sad days that marked what would have been our 46th wedding anniversary. But they were not as devastating as they could have been - or I thought they would have been.

Seems like that is a good thing.

My continual prayer is that God turns my grief into strength. If there is going to be a new underlying element of loss I must live with each day - let that reality send me to a place where all that is directed to me for grief - empowers me forward to wherever it is I am suppose to go in the rest of my life.

I still do not have any focus apart from the daily obligations and other commitments that arise. I regularly marvel that in my pre-grief, pre-retirement world I led a pretty complex life.

Navigating all the issues in my career in IT, taking care of Joann in every way I could and administering the operations of the house. In addition to having a constant and unyielding stream of activities that supported all of those elements.

Now, however I neither seem to have the ability to do anything at that level nor do I have the desire to do any of it - or anything in particular.

Writing these essays and now the launch of writing Joann’s Story (and really our family story) is the only thing I do on purpose.

Really the essays, I do not do on purpose. This one I am writing just came to me during breakfast - so now I am writing it.

The process of the essays mystifies and intrigues me. Perhaps my subconscious has got that one.

This morning - after a somewhat restless night which has actually been a rarer occurrence lately - things seemed a little “normal” in whatever “normal” is these days. Let’s just say it was peaceful.

I did start to think about my sweetie - most likely because I am deep into our initial story - and all that went along with it - so she is obviously on my mind in a greater way - in a different way than in my world of loss.

That brought some tears. But the tears of recent days seem to be different. I wrote about that in a previous essay. My past tears seemed heavy with sadness, despair and hopelessness.

The tears of today are still decidedly sad - but they have no despair in them. They are not heavy. If your sprit can be washed - they seem to be cleaning as the sadness brings them out.

Who knows what that is - there is no telling along this journey.

So if I am pressed for a status, an indication of how I am doing, I’d have to say I feel a bit more stable. It seems like there is a sense of order amidst the chaos - if that is possible. My journey has made a change in direction in some way.

The deep despair that I had for so long has been away now for several weeks.

I cry regularly but in a different way.

So I’d have to say things seem to be better in many ways. Still the same in others.

We are in no way like a functioning human as of yet - but the mood is definitely not as intense, not as extreme - not as hopeless as it used to be.

In that way then things are not as bad.

Not as much of a struggle.

Not as awful as they were.

And that is something to rejoice about.

1. Not as Awful

Written Wednesday, November 13, 2019 / Day 93 / Morning

Finding your way through the world of grief can be a day to day, moment to moment experience. There is no telling how things can go at any one time.

In my world, it’s not that the situation is really that unstable. The real issue is that a disruption can come at any time. Sometimes you know - other times you just don’t.

So in my daily attempt to figure out how I am - the process is quite scattered - especially for the over-active systems analyst that I am.

Even though I have retired, the systems analyst mind-set is still a part of me. I believe that is because it always was me. The profession just grew up around the ability.

So in the area of assessment - there is quite a regular struggle.

What actually are the indicators?

Well, am I sad right now? Do things feel “heavy”? Are there some thoughts that are just nagging at me? How do I feel?

Ahh, the questions. And for all of them not all that same answers.

So on the basis of blessings, there are so many! At least there is a good foundation.

And my continual connection to God through what He built through my sweetie and I over all of those years we studied and built each other up - that is the solid rock I rest upon.

But then we are back to how am I doing - today?

This past weekend was some kind of turning point. The last two essays in Volume 3 explain those amazing days. Sad days that marked what would have been our 46th wedding anniversary. But they were not as devastating as they could have been - or I thought they would have been.

Seems like that is a good thing.

I still do not have any focus apart from the daily obligations and other commitments that arise. I regularly marvel that in my pre-grief, pre-retirement world I led a pretty complex life.

Navigating all the issues in my career in IT, taking care of Joann in every way I could and administering the operations of the house. In addition to having a constant and unyielding stream of activities that supported all of those elements.

Now, however I neither seem to have the ability to do anything at that level nor do I have the desire to do any of it - or anything in particular.

Writing these essays and now the launch of writing Joann’s Story (and really our family story) is the only thing I do on purpose.

Really the essays, I do not do on purpose. This one I am writing just came to me during breakfast - so now I am writing it.

The process of the essays mystifies and intrigues me. Perhaps my subconscious has got that one.

This morning - after a somewhat restless night which has actually been a rarer occurrence lately - things seemed a little “normal” in whatever “normal” is these days. Let’s just say it was peaceful.

I did start to think about my sweetie - most likely because I am deep into our initial story - and all that went along with it - so she is obviously on my mind in a greater way - in a different way than in my world of loss.

That brought some tears. But the tears of recent days seem to be different. I wrote about that in a previous essay. My past tears seemed heavy with sadness, despair and hopelessness.

The tears of today are still decidedly sad - but they have no despair in them. They are not heavy. If your sprit can be washed - they seem to be cleaning as the sadness brings them out.

Who knows what that is - there is no telling along this journey.

So if I am pressed for a status, an indication of how I am doing, I’d have to say I feel a bit more stable. It seems like there is a sense of order amidst the chaos - if that is possible. My journey has made a change in direction in some way.

The deep despair that I had for so long has been away now for several weeks.

I cry regularly but in a different way.

So I’d have to say things seem to be better in many ways. Still the same in others.

We are in no way like a functioning human as of yet - but the mood is definitely not as intense, not as extreme - not as hopeless as it used to be.

In that way then things are not as bad.

Not as much of a struggle.

Not as awful as they were.

And that is something to rejoice about.

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