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10. Heartfelt

Updated: May 4, 2020

Anguish unleashed.

Written Friday, August 30, 2019 / Day 18 / Morning


I believe in God. That's not a question. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob as the Bible says. My wife and I were students - for 24 years we studied without anyone telling us what we had to believe. The Bible taught us. The apostle Paul on one of his journeys to the gentiles preached in a place called Berea. The Bereans were unique - they heard Paul's message then went home and searched the scriptures to see if what he said was true.


My wife and I were like that - we'd listen to ministers and then do what the Bereans did. We checked. Sometimes we found the truth - other times we found man's thinking folded into their message.


Because of this we had a strong understanding based on the Bible - not what we hoped it said or what everybody thinks it says - but what it actually says. There's a big difference there - but today's topic is the kind of conversations we have with God.


The thing about God - is that when He's calling you (and the Bible says that God reaches out to us (John 6:44)) you begin a conversation with Him.


In the past I would have them. Prayer is also part of that conversation. I've practiced many forms of prayer - from the trite (to God I'm sure) to what I came to understand as heartfelt.


There were two situations in my life I would tell you were the most heartfelt times of prayer I ever experienced.


One was at an out of town wedding where I became deathly ill (it had been coming as I look back to the events preceding the trip) when the affliction manifested itself right before we were headed on a bus the couple had rented to take us to the church. Not only was there embarrassment in having such an issue at such a wonderful event - I was relegated to a lower floor of the church to hug a toilet in between gut wrenching periods in an adjacent garden area while the ceremony took place above in the main church building.


I was praying from the depths of my soul - in gut-wrenching pain and I remember telling God in the midst of it - if he would heal me of this affliction I would be so grateful - but even if He didn't I would never stop believing in Him. Never.


Well He didn't restore me. It was a multiple day process and we hobbled home - my wife driving the entire way back from Boston, MA to Richmond, VA with one overnight stay. I was a mess for the entire next week as I slowly recovered.


The other time was in April, 2015 when my wife's cancer manifested itself. Months of the most gut-wrenching prayer time ever. Made the garden experience seem a bit basic!


I read all the gospels - went on the internet and must have read every healing ministries web site content that I could. I told God the same thing I had said in the garden in that Boston church yard - please heal my sweetheart - you know the depths of my love for her - lift her out of the pain - restore her. I made the same comment I had in Boston - even if you do not heal her - I will never stop believing in you because I know you are there.


Nothing happened for the weeks and months that followed - until the daily morphine treatments were systematically discontinued and her debilitating pain was NO LONGER THERE. And then the CT scan taken next WAS COMPLETELY CLEAR.


God had answered my prayers. It was humbling. I had my sweetie back. I was beyond grateful.


She was a little weaker afterwards though - I used to say - "Wow you've been healed! Now we're just older!" But just dealing with age issues was a much better life!


So it was on the third Thursday after she left me that I had a particularly heartfelt conversation with God. Of course I have been having them all along. I find I am not praying before meals right now because that would mean that you'd have to take your mind off yourself and stop to focus on God to thank Him for the blessing of the meal.


I didn't need to do that because I was already talking to Him! All the time.


But on that night I was sitting in her desk chair and in going through things to figure them out (this was her desk so her particular order of things is lost on me) - I found her monthly planning calendar.


It is filled with dates and occasions for which there is a box full of greeting cards bought in advance in monthly sections on the desk.


I scanned July and August - looking at the last things she had written.


I just broke down. I had forgotten grief was right behind me.


I sat there sobbing with tears streaming down my face.


I went through my logic routine...you took her...she was good with that...I was there with her...you brought Linda and Chuck to be with us....but I'm alone now...I want my life back....and down I would go.


In the midst of this a thought struck me - one I had the other day - but not as forceful as this one.


Yes you took her - I accept that BUT you did take her and now I'm alone. I know I'm suffering for a lot of reasons - but since you took her - you need to take care of me! Lift me from this place - it is your responsibility to relieve me from the inexplicable, unfathomable grief I am experiencing. My wonderful relationship I had with her is over - but I'm not over it nor do I ever want to be.


Just take this away from me! I know you can. You took her - so now take care of me!


I sat there for a while longer - who knows how long then got ready for bed.


Restless at 6 am the next morning I got up had a half a graham cracker and some water (that was one of her morning rituals) - mindlessly watched the weather and local news on the television then went back to bed a bit.


Three hours later I woke up.


Several things were different.


This gripping cramping in my abdomen was significantly relieved. I knew it was from the six weeks of this non-stop intensity that was my life. I didn't - nor would I - even bother going to a doctor. I didn't need 12 years of medical training to know it was connected and that it would dissipate in time.


Well it did - in a big way.


Next I was sort of rested. It has been unusual to be rested. Even before now - rest was not always restful. My wife would have trouble sleeping generally - and that would mean I would also not sleep so well.


So this feeling of restfulness was completely foreign - but welcome. It was like a warm towel right out of the dryer - soft and comforting.


Then I had awoken from an interesting dream. I was in a company - a take on my prior job perhaps and I was preparing to leave the company. I was getting a new job.


There was a fellow I needed to transition my work to. In the dream none of the details were clear other than there was knowledge to leave and it was close to the time I would have to leave.


A comment I made in the dream stayed with me. As I was talking to the person I would be transitioning to - I told him that it wasn't so much about the technical details I needed to tell him about the job - but it was how I approach a problem that I needed to help him understand and learn.


And then I awoke.


There I was - rested, with significantly less pain in my abdomen with a tidbit of how to approach life.


Was this an answer to a heartfelt prayer - or what?


So this is where I am starting the day.


The crater is still there - the surrounding area still devastated. Wreckage in the area as far as the eye can see.


But today a single flower bloomed in the midst of the disaster.


I knew it was true - there is hope.


And there was one taste of it for me.

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