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10. Impasse

Updated: May 1, 2020


Stalemate.

Written Friday, December 27, 2019 / Day 137 / Afternoon


As humans we want to figure things out. It is something that drives us. The drive can be so strong that we attempt to figure things out without enough information to really complete the task successfully. But that doesn’t stop us - we will try to figure something out anyway and be very satisfied that we did.


Even when the answer is flawed.


My very analytical nature is having one monumental trial in trying to figure out my present situation. I know that the situation cannot be figured out. It just can’t. There are forces at work here that are literally beyond us.


We live with this in the background of our lives all the time. Perhaps it’s that little voice you hear that encourages you on, or makes you wonder, or presents a bit of fear - or whatever.


Our lives are driven by our feelings - the worst possible foundation that you could ever base anything upon. Yet despite our inclination to rely on feelings - we do so - to our own detriment. We know better in a lot of areas. We know from knowledge, painful experiences or personal integrity. We should know that when feelings try to take over - they need to be met with reason and strength otherwise they dominate. And that outcome really is not the best one in the long run.


That analytical nature of mine just wants to know. So what is going on here? What is the real problem? Why is there so much instability - sadness, heaviness right now?


All that my nature can tell me with certainty is that the intensity I faced has lessened greatly. That is a fact. It can be measured.


Yea.


But wait, what’s the rest of the story? What does that tell me about today or the future?


Well - not much.


No matter which way I can look at me right now - I always end up in the same place.


Impasse.


An impasse is a situation that is so difficult that no progress can be made; a deadlock or a stalemate (according to the web-based Wordnik definition site).


That’s about right. No that’s exactly right.


So living in an impasse is difficult.


Yes it is.


That’s my address right now.


And the answer?


I have written in past essays about my continual logic problem so I will not repeat that here.


But it is a constant.

The impasse is always waiting for me after I return from an obligation, a task or some diversion that has taken me to a mini-normal moment. At that point the natural reaction is - so now what?


And the answer?


Well - there is no answer.


Life then becomes a series of diversions to keep me away from the impasse.


As the analyst my present situation is abundantly clear to me. How I got here - and why I am in this emotional cul-de-sac.


Without that future, that horizon - there is nowhere to go - for the moment.


On a purely non-emotional, non-invested in the situation perspective the answer seems to be - you have to get used to this change. Accept its reality and set out on a new course.


Right. Great. Sounds all terrific from the clinical perspective.


But I was the grateful recipient of something beyond measure. Something so valuable to me that I gave my life for it. Something that means more to me than anything in this material world. Based on that reality I cannot see what could move me anywhere in any way.


When Neil Armstrong returned from the moon - it had to be the greatest and worst moment of his life. How could you wrap your head around being the first human to set foot on another heavenly body and return?

On the other hand, now that he was back - what could be next? Sure there were things ahead for him to do of course - but after that profound moment there would be nothing left on this earth that could equal that achievement.


So it is in my world. I possessed an extraordinary gift - one I had to return to it’s creator. And now here without that amazing part of my life - what could be next?


Who knows?


But I do know someone who does know.


And in His time he will let me know.


He will resolve the impasse.

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