5 min read

10. Memo to my Life

There is a part of you I have yet to face.

Written Sunday January 26, 2020 / Day 167 / Afternoon #2

I am calling this the week of goodbye since the theme started last Friday with letters from and to Joann. That has introduced a sort of emotional queasiness to my days - whether part of the process or not I can never tell.

Today I had the realization that there was yet one more goodbye to write:

Dear Life,

We have certainly been through a lot. As I child I really didn’t know who you were. I just lived, explored, got into trouble, played and anything else I could do.

But then I grew up and had to struggle with others. Others who didn’t seem to accept me. Some few who did and to the rest - well, I was just some background clutter that never amounted to very much to them.

Seeing that I was in some type of isolation I made the best of it. I focused on my own interests as we all do. I went to school - tried my best but always felt like there were others who had it all and I seemed to be one of those who just did not have that special something everyone else seemed to have.

As an only child I did not have any brothers and sisters to teach me life’s lessons. I had the girl next door - she was the most like a sister I ever had.

We had fun - but when we got older I think she wanted more - but to me I was just her “brother” and nothing more.

You took me to business college out of state for two years. Something - for the life of me - I can never figure out why I would do something so radical.

For me - a card-carrying introvert - it was the most un-introvert thing I could have ever done. But did it I did. The experience never really freed me of introvert-ism - but it was a gut-wrenching experience in many ways you are keenly aware of.

I never did anything really stupid there. I learned that I never wanted to drink since that feeling of losing it was distasteful to me. It was a mystery why so many wanted that feeling - but for me - I would never embrace it.

Then when you brought me home - I stumbled on the jewel that was introduced into my life when I was 8 years old. I was so inexperienced in basic social skills - especially with girls - but upon our reconnection I was introduced to conversation and intellect that I had never encountered before.

Since she was married I now had a model on which to base the future relationship I would want with a girl. Fun, stimulating, respectful and so much more. The model of that relationship would be the standard to which I would aspire to find. It would be worth it.

Then - since our families were connected through my mom’s years of working at her parents market - our paths started to cross more and more.

My analytical perspective discerning that her life was not living up to her wonderful outlook and me being sad that her life would have that emptiness.

How could I ever see that we would become more. How could I know that we both had such emptiness in our lives - we both never had that true love given to us though the years - that when we both realized what was happening - a bond had started to form that would propel us beyond even us - to embark on a relationship that would blossom and grow into an extraordinary experience.

When illness struck in 2011 - we kept going forward. When it struck with a vengeance in 2015 we came together to face it. I took off from work for three months and devoted every second to the one who was my everything in this life.

When we realized that we had been given a miracle that fall - we rejoiced in its reality.

Four years later I now reflect on God’s answer to our prayers for healing in 2019. He said her race was over. I was now to face life without her. There’s only one problem with that - I can’t.

These past months I have been struggling with you. As flawed as you were with us - you were the life I had. Now that I have to say goodbye to my sweetheart - I also have to say goodbye to part of you as well.

I run into you and her all the time. I am continually saddened by the reminders of our life together. The places we went, the things we enjoyed - everything about you flavored with her.

You are now quite empty to me. I turn away from the memories of her and I and you when I am reminded of what we shared. Today I realized I have to say goodbye to that part of you that encompassed her and all she was to me.

It is excruciatingly difficult to face. I struggle with this and I know in a sense always will.

I am going through the motions of you right now. I know God works through you and has brought me to a new group of His believers. Today marks the third week of our new relationship.

A seedling that has just been planted.

But it is a plant that I did not want. A life that is distasteful to me because the one who was my life is not a part of it.

In saying goodbye to her - I know what is ahead. I am more empty and lost than ever for the moment. But I know He is directing this. Apparently these past two weeks are the start of the transition. One I do not want at the depths of my heart - but one that is coming.

So life, I have to also let the parts of you that were a part of her go. It is difficult to even write this. But it is the reality that I must face.

I don’t believe this will be the only time we talk. This is all some undefinable process that will take as long as it takes. Despite the emptiness of today, I know I will be seeing her on that day - when the last trump sounds. Of that I am sure.

Life, you have been difficult so many times, joyful in so many others - quite foreboding and depressing as you currently are. But the parts of you that were part of her are over. I do know that.

But the parts of her that are in me - that bond we shared - her personality that I know so well, the examples of her unending love to everyone she was associated with - will come along with me.

They may not make you any more tolerable - but they will be with me. And for now - I will embrace whatever comfort that brings.

10. Memo to my Life

Written Sunday January 26, 2020 / Day 167 / Afternoon #2

I am calling this the week of goodbye since the theme started last Friday with letters from and to Joann. That has introduced a sort of emotional queasiness to my days - whether part of the process or not I can never tell.

Today I had the realization that there was yet one more goodbye to write:

Dear Life,

We have certainly been through a lot. As I child I really didn’t know who you were. I just lived, explored, got into trouble, played and anything else I could do.

But then I grew up and had to struggle with others. Others who didn’t seem to accept me. Some few who did and to the rest - well, I was just some background clutter that never amounted to very much to them.

As an only child I did not have any brothers and sisters to teach me life’s lessons. I had the girl next door - she was the most like a sister I ever had.

We had fun - but when we got older I think she wanted more - but to me I was just her “brother” and nothing more.

You took me to business college out of state for two years. Something - for the life of me - I can never figure out why I would do something so radical.

For me - a card-carrying introvert - it was the most un-introvert thing I could have ever done. But did it I did. The experience never really freed me of introvert-ism - but it was a gut-wrenching experience in many ways you are keenly aware of.

I never did anything really stupid there. I learned that I never wanted to drink since that feeling of losing it was distasteful to me. It was a mystery why so many wanted that feeling - but for me - I would never embrace it.

Then when you brought me home - I stumbled on the jewel that was introduced into my life when I was 8 years old. I was so inexperienced in basic social skills - especially with girls - but upon our reconnection I was introduced to conversation and intellect that I had never encountered before.

Since she was married I now had a model on which to base the future relationship I would want with a girl. Fun, stimulating, respectful and so much more. The model of that relationship would be the standard to which I would aspire to find. It would be worth it.

Then - since our families were connected through my mom’s years of working at her parents market - our paths started to cross more and more.

My analytical perspective discerning that her life was not living up to her wonderful outlook and me being sad that her life would have that emptiness.

When illness struck in 2011 - we kept going forward. When it struck with a vengeance in 2015 we came together to face it. I took off from work for three months and devoted every second to the one who was my everything in this life.

When we realized that we had been given a miracle that fall - we rejoiced in its reality.

Four years later I now reflect on God’s answer to our prayers for healing in 2019. He said her race was over. I was now to face life without her. There’s only one problem with that - I can’t.

These past months I have been struggling with you. As flawed as you were with us - you were the life I had. Now that I have to say goodbye to my sweetheart - I also have to say goodbye to part of you as well.

I run into you and her all the time. I am continually saddened by the reminders of our life together. The places we went, the things we enjoyed - everything about you flavored with her.

You are now quite empty to me. I turn away from the memories of her and I and you when I am reminded of what we shared. Today I realized I have to say goodbye to that part of you that encompassed her and all she was to me.

It is excruciatingly difficult to face. I struggle with this and I know in a sense always will.

I am going through the motions of you right now. I know God works through you and has brought me to a new group of His believers. Today marks the third week of our new relationship.

A seedling that has just been planted.

But it is a plant that I did not want. A life that is distasteful to me because the one who was my life is not a part of it.

In saying goodbye to her - I know what is ahead. I am more empty and lost than ever for the moment. But I know He is directing this. Apparently these past two weeks are the start of the transition. One I do not want at the depths of my heart - but one that is coming.

So life, I have to also let the parts of you that were a part of her go. It is difficult to even write this. But it is the reality that I must face.

I don’t believe this will be the only time we talk. This is all some undefinable process that will take as long as it takes. Despite the emptiness of today, I know I will be seeing her on that day - when the last trump sounds. Of that I am sure.

Life, you have been difficult so many times, joyful in so many others - quite foreboding and depressing as you currently are. But the parts of you that were part of her are over. I do know that.

But the parts of her that are in me - that bond we shared - her personality that I know so well, the examples of her unending love to everyone she was associated with - will come along with me.

They may not make you any more tolerable - but they will be with me. And for now - I will embrace whatever comfort that brings.

Recent Posts

Comments