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10. Rescue Mission


The only way out is to let someone in.

Written Tuesday March 3, 2020 / Day 204 / Morning


While trying to accomplish something else, as is usual with these writings, an essay appeared and needed to be written.


I was contemplating the new element in my life that seems to be disturbing the emptiness and hollowness of my current situation.


My observation has been continually that I live in a vacuum as far as a life is concerned. In the midst of the obligations and physical needs that must be met and that drive the activity of this shell of a life - there is just nothing else.


It is not apathy per se. I view apathy as a choice. There are options but none of them are chosen. Just choosing one would enable some progress, some movement - some direction.


But in my world - there is just nothing. I do not see a choice for me. Readers of these essays will know that paradox I face. Because of that - there just are not any choices to be made - so therefore there is no activity that can invoke a change.


Until now.


I have been privileged to have received an answer to a prayer that seems to have the potential to actually introduce something into the vacuum.


After all of this time. And because of this small change - my world is reacting quite powerfully.


It is a stunning new opportunity for me - one I am struggling to not overreact to. Having been in the vacuum for so long - any change is quite the news item.


Living in the emptiness that I cannot share with others and even when I have the opportunity to do so - is difficult and awkward because they do not relate to the situation. This life of emptiness then, has been exhausting and relentless.


So to see a change in the landscape is stunning. It is disarming. I actually have to hold on to something (mentally) so I don’t start dreaming up implications and outcomes. That’s my over-active analytical perspectives working as they always do.


The realization of this moment is also stunning. It changes my entire perspective on my situation. And although I do not see - nor have a clue - as to how this will change - what I am seeing is a dramatic modification to how I have been thinking.


I have always imagined that I will somehow receive the energy, will or ability to take a step out of this place. All of the details of course, frustratingly not knowable at the moment.


Somehow the day will come that I will arrive at this mythical future I so reject and ignore.


All of this scenario has now changed.


It is not I who will be able to do anything to go forward on my own strength.


No, I will need someone to meet me in my emptiness and help me to take a step.


Much like a person with a debilitating injury that prevents them from walking - they will need physical therapy. A program and time to learn the mechanics of walking again. To be able to learn once again how to maneuver - to perform even the basic tasks all of us who can operate take for granted.


In my grief world - this seems to be what I will be needing.


Emotional therapy.


And with that therapy, someone to meet me where I am and help me - help me to learn what I have not been able to do - to grasp or even to acknowledge.


I do acknowledge God quite regularly and know that beyond my present state is a future that is beyond our comprehension (See Romans 8:18-23). But here - I have not had anything physical that is of the stature to address how I will escape this emptiness I now experience.


Let’s say the new element is a “therapist” of sorts. That would be their role anyway.


I have experienced a tiny bit of this with the support groups in which I have participated. There is this powerful connection and relating that is welcome.


People who understand. There has been tremendous comfort in those encounters.


But what has been missing is the next step - someone to actually enter my world and relate to the situation and - to me. Someone to understand and share the scope and depth of the daily struggle.


I pray what I see God doing, this new element He is bringing into my life - will be that new thing - that new relationship - that conversation which needs to take place to begin the actual process of filling the emptiness.


It has been disarming to even consider that any of this is possible. Yet there appears to be an opportunity ahead for me to take a step. To open the door of emptiness and welcome a new perspective into the void.


To be able to connect - to relate and dare I say - to see God’s love flow through them to me.


There is coming an actual moment when the time of emptiness I have been experiencing will be ending. It will end because there will be another who shares this place with me.


From that time forward life in this empty awful place will never be the same.


Because at that point I will not have to be in this place alone.


It will be a surreal moment in a life that for now is nothing but.


A new chapter. A different reality.


My life will no longer be totally survival - but will then become something else.


A rescue mission.

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