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10. Trapped in the Past

Updated: May 4, 2020


There is nowhere to be.

Written Friday, September 27, 2019 / Day 46 / Evening


I live in a word of paradoxes and logic problems. None of my thought patterns seem to work anymore. A lot of that, I know, is because what they are based upon is no longer valid.


Despite the fact I know this - I keep becoming trapped in my own thoughts.


In the past few days I have been realizing I need to at least put up a fight when grief and its friends show up.


One of their most potent weapons is the past.


Academically, I realize that I need to live in the present - but the present is so awful right now I have no where to go.


The future is an unknown to me. The future is something I don’t even really want to deal with right now. If I have to, I will - like taking the trip to Buffalo on October 15th. That becomes an obligation. I can do those.


The future - I don’t do the future right now.


So if I resist the future unless I have to, and can’t stand the present at the moment - what do I have left?


Looks like the past is all I’ve got.


The past, it turns out, is like walking through an ammunitions dump with a blowtorch. It’s not a question as to whether there will be an explosion - it’s just a matter of how big will it be and how much of the dump will go up in flames.


Grief and the past are like that.


There is certainly a draw to the past.


Ahhh…my pre-grief life - warts and all. Let me drink it in…the moments, those times…all that it meant and then <<BAM>> back to the hard cold reality of where I actually am.


And it isn’t a soft landing.


As I mentioned, lately I have been flexing my muscles so to speak - and making an attempt at stopping the explosions before I create them.


I pray that I will be able to have a memory and not be so devastated by it. I want that memory to be an encouraging moment. I want it to strengthen me because it represents a time of strength.


The problem then is having to face reality because reality reminds me that it is only a memory and you can never have another one like it.


Well, thanks a lot.


What I am finding out though - if I make these declarations about my memories - I do get some of the trauma to lessen.


I know it will always be there - I’m sure of that because it is the new reality. But it should be a memory of strength period. No editorializing about the present.


Sort of like the lawyer show where the prosecutor tells the witness, “Just answer the question…yes or no.” When all the time the witness wants to embellish on the response.


I look grief in the eye and say - “That was a time of love and joy - thank you.” NOW GET LOST.


That’s what it is and that’s what it will always be.


I’m not that good at this yet - but perhaps I am on my way to some other aspect of this journey.


At least I am trying to take some action.


Well, look at me…next thing you know I’ll be setting goals.

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