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11. Belief

Written Monday, December 30, 2019 / Day 140 / Dawn

In the daily struggle that is part of life in the state of grief, one aspect that has emerged lately is belief.

Belief is a powerful force in our lives. A sincere, driven belief has propelled many individuals into areas that have been extraordinary. Others whose beliefs are based on false premises have gone on to execute horrible acts in the name of their cherished - but flawed - “belief”.

So as my analytical mind struggles with the impossible task of managing my situation by attempting to organize it, study it and understand it - I am currently reflecting on how this basic element of our natures is now affecting me.

The conflict is really quite straightforward. An event has occurred. It happened and you know it happened. Now embrace that fact.

Sounds great on paper.

But played out in the emotional landscape - those simple statements unleash a seemingly inexhaustible flow of torment.

They just do not want to go together.

Last night I was at the restaurant my wife and I would frequent. It was one of our special places. We did not have that many of them - so the uniqueness of the venue meant a lot to us.

As I exited the restaurant with my party I glanced over at the table where we used to camp out. Often times in certain places you stake out “your spot”. I glanced over at ours. Then I could feel the emotional ground quake. I successfully quelled the awakening that was occurring for the moment. But the fuse had been lit.

I thought - oh no. I do not want to go there.

I do not want to invoke the memories of that spot. All that it meant to us. All the times we enjoyed there. Please do not go there. Yet there she was. All I had to do is go there to meet her.

But I could not do it. I resisted. And for the moment the episode subsided.

This encounter launched an entire train of thought. Why is this happening?

Well, the internal grief counselor inside of me knew the answer. You are mourning the loss.

You are hurting. It is still so soon afterwards and because of that these thing will happen.

But my analytical nature interrupted - but why?

Why do I have to experience this? Is it a step to free me of that heavy emotional wave that seems to come from these moments? Is this “getting me somewhere?”. Even though I really do not want to go anywhere that is away from her.

But inside I know I must.

“Don’t you believe what has happened?” I ask myself.

Yes I believe. I was there. I know.

Well, perhaps you actually do not really believe.

Obviously there is a layer where belief has not yet penetrated.

Some would say this is the “acceptance” element of the journey. The clinical answer would be once you accept what has happened you will then be able to progress to the mythical “moving on” part of the program.

This is the moment that the outside observers are expecting. “Oh look, he seems to be “moving on” with his life.” Right. Sure. Well for me - not so much. I do not want - and right now - will not - “move on” from anything that had her in it.

So perhaps I’ve answered my own question.

The battle is to move on. Reality knocking on the door with its delivery of reality. All I have to do is sign for it. Just sign here, sir, and your life will continue.

But continue to where exactly? And why? I’m missing something rather significant here. There is no moving on without it. Sorry. Take your delivery back to the warehouse. I’m not going to sign. Bye.

This is where I know that God will be resolving this impasse in some way. Right now it is a Wimbledon Grand Slam tennis series. I’m not sure what part of the tournament we are in - but it is an intense match. Both sides quite powerful in their skill and tenacity. Quite a show.

But an exhausting one for me.

When will it end?

I am not sure - but I do know it will end.

I may not be able to accept reality at the moment at some subconscious level - but I do know that an answer will come.

That I do know.

That is what I believe.

11. Belief

Written Monday, December 30, 2019 / Day 140 / Dawn

In the daily struggle that is part of life in the state of grief, one aspect that has emerged lately is belief.

Belief is a powerful force in our lives. A sincere, driven belief has propelled many individuals into areas that have been extraordinary. Others whose beliefs are based on false premises have gone on to execute horrible acts in the name of their cherished - but flawed - “belief”.

So as my analytical mind struggles with the impossible task of managing my situation by attempting to organize it, study it and understand it - I am currently reflecting on how this basic element of our natures is now affecting me.

The conflict is really quite straightforward. An event has occurred. It happened and you know it happened. Now embrace that fact.

Sounds great on paper.

But played out in the emotional landscape - those simple statements unleash a seemingly inexhaustible flow of torment.

They just do not want to go together.

Last night I was at the restaurant my wife and I would frequent. It was one of our special places. We did not have that many of them - so the uniqueness of the venue meant a lot to us.

I thought - oh no. I do not want to go there.

I do not want to invoke the memories of that spot. All that it meant to us. All the times we enjoyed there. Please do not go there. Yet there she was. All I had to do is go there to meet her.

But I could not do it. I resisted. And for the moment the episode subsided.

This encounter launched an entire train of thought. Why is this happening?

Well, the internal grief counselor inside of me knew the answer. You are mourning the loss.

You are hurting. It is still so soon afterwards and because of that these thing will happen.

But my analytical nature interrupted - but why?

Why do I have to experience this? Is it a step to free me of that heavy emotional wave that seems to come from these moments? Is this “getting me somewhere?”. Even though I really do not want to go anywhere that is away from her.

But inside I know I must.

“Don’t you believe what has happened?” I ask myself.

Yes I believe. I was there. I know.

Well, perhaps you actually do not really believe.

Obviously there is a layer where belief has not yet penetrated.

Some would say this is the “acceptance” element of the journey. The clinical answer would be once you accept what has happened you will then be able to progress to the mythical “moving on” part of the program.

This is the moment that the outside observers are expecting. “Oh look, he seems to be “moving on” with his life.” Right. Sure. Well for me - not so much. I do not want - and right now - will not - “move on” from anything that had her in it.

So perhaps I’ve answered my own question.

The battle is to move on. Reality knocking on the door with its delivery of reality. All I have to do is sign for it. Just sign here, sir, and your life will continue.

But continue to where exactly? And why? I’m missing something rather significant here. There is no moving on without it. Sorry. Take your delivery back to the warehouse. I’m not going to sign. Bye.

This is where I know that God will be resolving this impasse in some way. Right now it is a Wimbledon Grand Slam tennis series. I’m not sure what part of the tournament we are in - but it is an intense match. Both sides quite powerful in their skill and tenacity. Quite a show.

But an exhausting one for me.

When will it end?

I am not sure - but I do know it will end.

I may not be able to accept reality at the moment at some subconscious level - but I do know that an answer will come.

That I do know.

That is what I believe.

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