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11. Declarations

Written Tuesday, October 29, 2019 / Day 78 / Evening

It seems my relationship with grief has changed. As I regularly mention, I have no idea how I am doing other than how intense or not each day has been. Last week, after the Buffalo trip, the weight of despair I had been continually feeling dramatically left me.

I am still sad but in a different way. I have a feeling because I am looking at my situation differently and could not have done that until the continual weight of despair was lessened significantly.

Weeks and weeks ago, I don’t remember when, I gave grief a personality - obviously a bad one since this is how it was behaving - and began to talk to it directly.

Somehow this seemed to give me a tiny bit of power.

Power to tell grief to take a hike. Leave me alone and get out of my life.

When grief would start take me down - I would tell it to stop. That I would have no part in the moment. Perhaps this took my mind off the moment - whatever it was it seemed to stop the process at times.

Of course the vast emptiness was still in the background.

Then when I realized - out loud mind you - that since God was responsible for my plight by taking my sweetie - I was in this new state under His direction. Like it or not.

Those declarations were difficult but ones that had been playing in the background of my mind for a while.

You took my sweetie. You knew what we were praying for but you said no. Because of that you now want me here. You want me here by myself. You want me to be single. As a result I am now alone.

You have some future in mind for me.

But I have no interest or desire for any future at the moment and that’s the way it’s going to be - because I don’t want any future without her.

These declarations have started to affect me.

But what is the most intense struggle at the moment is bringing her back through memories.

I have continually prayed that my grief will be turned into strength. That this sadness is not what you want for me. That my love for her is so great I don’t know how to do anything at all. Nor do I want to.

I have been recently declaring that I will not allow these memories to make me sad. For now - I may not be strong enough to handle them - actually I KNOW that I am not strong enough to handle them right now.

When these memories return some take me back to the last moments - for now I do not want them. They have been lived. The result has been declared. I declare that I am not going back to any of them.

But this is the hardest part - since I am resisting any future - resisting because I have no interest in any future and have no concept of what that would look like, these past memories keep bleeding through. They sneak in because they represent my sweetie. And as much as I am still crazy about her in every way - I cannot allow them in right now.

So I declare them banished. I will not allow them in. Even though that very act hurts.

But it hurts more to let them in.

These declarations seem to have a stabilizing effect emotionally. I know I will not be able to forget my sweetie - but this constant replaying of past moments is going to stop.

And the memories of us? When I have accidentally seen a picture of her - I am transported to that moment. The picture brings up my pre-grief life - and although I want to jump into that moment and grab her - what happens is that the moment is restored. With all of its issues of the moment, contentions, family dynamics and all the rest of it.

I do not want that either. I declare that also banned from my thinking for now.

Perhaps there will be a time that my strength will be restored - in fact that is part of the hope I have.

But taking charge of my thinking will have a significant effect on my situation.

Grief will always be there. The loss is permanent - at least in this life. God’s will is evident to me. And I know He sees me finally seeing it.

So I will continue to be firm in my thinking.

I miss her so much - but the suffering is doing nothing but making me sad. And I must turn my thoughts to what God is doing with me.

I still do not like it. I resist that future without her for now. I’m quite a mess right now.

I had two days of obligations and they’ve wiped me out.

But I will be ok. I know that the future will be coming. I will be cared for and strengthened.

I know He is doing that.

I declare it.

11. Declarations

Written Tuesday, October 29, 2019 / Day 78 / Evening

It seems my relationship with grief has changed. As I regularly mention, I have no idea how I am doing other than how intense or not each day has been. Last week, after the Buffalo trip, the weight of despair I had been continually feeling dramatically left me.

I am still sad but in a different way. I have a feeling because I am looking at my situation differently and could not have done that until the continual weight of despair was lessened significantly.

Weeks and weeks ago, I don’t remember when, I gave grief a personality - obviously a bad one since this is how it was behaving - and began to talk to it directly.

Somehow this seemed to give me a tiny bit of power.

Power to tell grief to take a hike. Leave me alone and get out of my life.

When grief would start take me down - I would tell it to stop. That I would have no part in the moment. Perhaps this took my mind off the moment - whatever it was it seemed to stop the process at times.

Of course the vast emptiness was still in the background.

Then when I realized - out loud mind you - that since God was responsible for my plight by taking my sweetie - I was in this new state under His direction. Like it or not.

Those declarations were difficult but ones that had been playing in the background of my mind for a while.

You took my sweetie. You knew what we were praying for but you said no. Because of that you now want me here. You want me here by myself. You want me to be single. As a result I am now alone.

You have some future in mind for me.

But I have no interest or desire for any future at the moment and that’s the way it’s going to be - because I don’t want any future without her.

These declarations have started to affect me.

But what is the most intense struggle at the moment is bringing her back through memories.

I have continually prayed that my grief will be turned into strength. That this sadness is not what you want for me. That my love for her is so great I don’t know how to do anything at all. Nor do I want to.

I have been recently declaring that I will not allow these memories to make me sad. For now - I may not be strong enough to handle them - actually I KNOW that I am not strong enough to handle them right now.

When these memories return some take me back to the last moments - for now I do not want them. They have been lived. The result has been declared. I declare that I am not going back to any of them.

So I declare them banished. I will not allow them in. Even though that very act hurts.

But it hurts more to let them in.

These declarations seem to have a stabilizing effect emotionally. I know I will not be able to forget my sweetie - but this constant replaying of past moments is going to stop.

I do not want that either. I declare that also banned from my thinking for now.

Perhaps there will be a time that my strength will be restored - in fact that is part of the hope I have.

But taking charge of my thinking will have a significant effect on my situation.

Grief will always be there. The loss is permanent - at least in this life. God’s will is evident to me. And I know He sees me finally seeing it.

So I will continue to be firm in my thinking.

I miss her so much - but the suffering is doing nothing but making me sad. And I must turn my thoughts to what God is doing with me.

I still do not like it. I resist that future without her for now. I’m quite a mess right now.

I had two days of obligations and they’ve wiped me out.

But I will be ok. I know that the future will be coming. I will be cared for and strengthened.

I know He is doing that.

I declare it.

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