11. What Could Have Been

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Written Sunday, September 29, 2019 / Day 48 / Early Afternoon

Today I am trying to face one of the most gut-wrenching elements of my grief journey. This has been a consistent theme - one which I have recognized as quite disarming and depressing.

My academic side tells me the logic - my emotional side slaps me in the head with its dose of reality.

This seems to be one of those trigger items. I don’t explicitly start thinking about it - but one thing leads to another and before I know it - there I am in the midst of the breakdown.

Recently I am trying to stop my thinking from going to unproductive places - those places where I am simply wallowing in the despair. Drenching myself with the unresolvable.

I am increasingly aware that it is a fruitless exercise. As much as I try to avoid the trap - I keep falling into it.

Perhaps this is an area that we learn to navigate - because from what I can see - this will always be a potential trap.

And here it is - hopefully in telling this - I will not trap myself.

The bulk of this comes from the inescapable fact that we were on our course - flawed as it was - with hopes, dreams and plans. There are many things in our home that I find that were things we wanted to pursue at some future time.

The reality of just staying focused on the immediate needs of living pretty much excluded us from anything “extra”.

Now, in the cold, harsh, stark light of the present - these things, these plans taunt me. Taunt me with the fact that they will never be pursued - together. Never be fulfilled. That we will never realize the joy we wanted to have in pursuing them together.

And the thought of me pursuing them without my dear sweetie is simple unthinkable, undesirable and practically offensive to my current sensibilities.

All it takes is that glance, that recognition of that element, that plan, that shared idea. Then I go off into the unresolvable logic meltdown that is currently my life.

So today I stopped the descent - called out to the room - “NO, I will no longer go there!!!”.

“It was never to be - so don’t mourn for something that ‘could have been’ but can never be.”

It’s like being angry with a meal that you were planning on making but never did. What’s the real issue with that? The issue it seems is that it is not a valid use of emotions. Energy directed to an idea instead of a reality.

So as painful as reality is at the moment - I have to stand my ground and live in it.

That is not easy.

But the trip to mourning for what could have been but would never be is just a fruitless exercise. One I am choosing to not allow.

I am just not going to go there. Mainly because there is nothing there - nothing but pseudo-grief if you could call it that.

Grief is bad enough - grief based on a tangible loss. Grief based on an idea…well, I am no longer going to waste my time on that. It’s pointless.

I’ve got plenty of tangible pointlessness to manage right now. So much of life at the moment is without purpose - a future purpose that is.

As I have mentioned previously, the future in on permanent hold for the moment. It is a place I can not, will not even contemplate without the one who made my life possible. There can be no life - for now - without her.

An impasse for sure - but one I know will be resolved in the future.

Once I am equipped. Once God heals my broken, crushed spirit and leads me to the future He knows He wants for me.

A future where what could have been is relegated to its rightful place.

A place where I no longer visit.

Replaced with the current, the present - the now.

Those words are just as surreal as my present life is.

But God, who has me in His hand, is leading me to that place.

In His mercy and compassion taking me to that place where I am healed.

Where the memories of my dear sweetheart give me strength - surround me with love - and give life to this crushed and broken spirit.

11. What Could Have Been

Written Sunday, September 29, 2019 / Day 48 / Early Afternoon

Today I am trying to face one of the most gut-wrenching elements of my grief journey. This has been a consistent theme - one which I have recognized as quite disarming and depressing.

My academic side tells me the logic - my emotional side slaps me in the head with its dose of reality.

This seems to be one of those trigger items. I don’t explicitly start thinking about it - but one thing leads to another and before I know it - there I am in the midst of the breakdown.

Recently I am trying to stop my thinking from going to unproductive places - those places where I am simply wallowing in the despair. Drenching myself with the unresolvable.

I am increasingly aware that it is a fruitless exercise. As much as I try to avoid the trap - I keep falling into it.

Perhaps this is an area that we learn to navigate - because from what I can see - this will always be a potential trap.

And here it is - hopefully in telling this - I will not trap myself.

The bulk of this comes from the inescapable fact that we were on our course - flawed as it was - with hopes, dreams and plans. There are many things in our home that I find that were things we wanted to pursue at some future time.

The reality of just staying focused on the immediate needs of living pretty much excluded us from anything “extra”.

Now, in the cold, harsh, stark light of the present - these things, these plans taunt me. Taunt me with the fact that they will never be pursued - together. Never be fulfilled. That we will never realize the joy we wanted to have in pursuing them together.

And the thought of me pursuing them without my dear sweetie is simple unthinkable, undesirable and practically offensive to my current sensibilities.

All it takes is that glance, that recognition of that element, that plan, that shared idea. Then I go off into the unresolvable logic meltdown that is currently my life.

So today I stopped the descent - called out to the room - “NO, I will no longer go there!!!”.

“It was never to be - so don’t mourn for something that ‘could have been’ but can never be.”

It’s like being angry with a meal that you were planning on making but never did. What’s the real issue with that? The issue it seems is that it is not a valid use of emotions. Energy directed to an idea instead of a reality.

So as painful as reality is at the moment - I have to stand my ground and live in it.

That is not easy.

But the trip to mourning for what could have been but would never be is just a fruitless exercise. One I am choosing to not allow.

I am just not going to go there. Mainly because there is nothing there - nothing but pseudo-grief if you could call it that.

Grief is bad enough - grief based on a tangible loss. Grief based on an idea…well, I am no longer going to waste my time on that. It’s pointless.

I’ve got plenty of tangible pointlessness to manage right now. So much of life at the moment is without purpose - a future purpose that is.

As I have mentioned previously, the future in on permanent hold for the moment. It is a place I can not, will not even contemplate without the one who made my life possible. There can be no life - for now - without her.

An impasse for sure - but one I know will be resolved in the future.

Once I am equipped. Once God heals my broken, crushed spirit and leads me to the future He knows He wants for me.

A future where what could have been is relegated to its rightful place.

A place where I no longer visit.

Replaced with the current, the present - the now.

Those words are just as surreal as my present life is.

But God, who has me in His hand, is leading me to that place.

In His mercy and compassion taking me to that place where I am healed.

Where the memories of my dear sweetheart give me strength - surround me with love - and give life to this crushed and broken spirit.

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