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12. Anger

Written Saturday, August 31, 2019 / Day 19 / Afternoon

I was thinking I wasn't really angry about what has happened. But now, several weeks past the event, I am finding some anger emerging.

I am not really angry at God - but the other day I did confront him with the challenge to take care of me since He was responsible for my loss. My wife had put that in His hands and the answer was not to intervene. Okay, so since you allowed that to happen - you have a responsibility to lift me out of this pit!

As a caregiver for over 4 years and as a full-time employee during most of that time - I had to put myself aside. I have written in other essays how that was not a problem for me - I gladly gave myself to my wife - never regretting a moment of that service.

But now - in the tranquility of the aftermath of the gigantic bomb that went off - I find myself without the constant and unyielding obligations that I faced most of the time. Nothing to do. And then there's the absence of my dear wife.

The silence is deafening.

What is emerging now however is - I think - me.

I was buried under all of that and now that I am in this new place a few things are becoming clear.

I am alone and unprepared for the experience.

Now I don't mean that I could have been trained for where I am now - no that's not what I'm saying - I mean that my personality is having a chance to do something it has been incapable of doing for so long.

Assert itself.

Not only is that unprecedented to me - it is also quite awkward. My life was sort of on automatic. Sure I made decisions with my wife on things and she would try to accommodate me because she loved me - but those were only isolated situations.

I am now in charge. And it is strange.

But then I start to think - "Hey, this just isn't fair! How am I suppose to know how to do [whatever the thing is]? This is just wrong! Plus I am lost and empty and have had my dear sweetheart ripped from my life and I'm suppose to go on somehow? How? This is just wrong!"

So perhaps this is where I get a little snippy with God.

Well thanks for helping her out of her suffering - you know how that was just tearing me up every moment that she was impaired. It was your answer and she was prepared for it - had accepted it.

But thanks a lot - I'm still here! And I'm suffering...hello? Anyone?

So I'm angry at the situation - that I don't have any relief from the anguish and do not see how this is going to be resolved any time soon.

And thank you very much, I don't want to do anything anyway...and you can't make me!

It's quite a show actually when I hear myself rant.

I have to think this is part of the process.

I hope it will end.

I'm glad I don't have a cat. I wouldn't want it to get hurt when I'm ranting.

12. Anger

Written Saturday, August 31, 2019 / Day 19 / Afternoon

I was thinking I wasn't really angry about what has happened. But now, several weeks past the event, I am finding some anger emerging.

As a caregiver for over 4 years and as a full-time employee during most of that time - I had to put myself aside. I have written in other essays how that was not a problem for me - I gladly gave myself to my wife - never regretting a moment of that service.

But now - in the tranquility of the aftermath of the gigantic bomb that went off - I find myself without the constant and unyielding obligations that I faced most of the time. Nothing to do. And then there's the absence of my dear wife.

The silence is deafening.

What is emerging now however is - I think - me.

I was buried under all of that and now that I am in this new place a few things are becoming clear.

I am alone and unprepared for the experience.

Now I don't mean that I could have been trained for where I am now - no that's not what I'm saying - I mean that my personality is having a chance to do something it has been incapable of doing for so long.

Assert itself.

Not only is that unprecedented to me - it is also quite awkward. My life was sort of on automatic. Sure I made decisions with my wife on things and she would try to accommodate me because she loved me - but those were only isolated situations.

I am now in charge. And it is strange.

But then I start to think - "Hey, this just isn't fair! How am I suppose to know how to do [whatever the thing is]? This is just wrong! Plus I am lost and empty and have had my dear sweetheart ripped from my life and I'm suppose to go on somehow? How? This is just wrong!"

So perhaps this is where I get a little snippy with God.

Well thanks for helping her out of her suffering - you know how that was just tearing me up every moment that she was impaired. It was your answer and she was prepared for it - had accepted it.

But thanks a lot - I'm still here! And I'm suffering...hello? Anyone?

So I'm angry at the situation - that I don't have any relief from the anguish and do not see how this is going to be resolved any time soon.

And thank you very much, I don't want to do anything anyway...and you can't make me!

It's quite a show actually when I hear myself rant.

I have to think this is part of the process.

I hope it will end.

I'm glad I don't have a cat. I wouldn't want it to get hurt when I'm ranting.

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