12. Bullies

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Written Wednesday, October 30, 2019 / Day 79 / Morning

Growing up I was an introverted kid. Not being athletic in any way - that separates you from the “normal” kids. Those kids seemed to have abilities and capabilities that us non-athletic kids just didn’t possess. At least that’s what the school structure taught me in my day.

Not being athletic then makes you a target. A target because you appear weaker than those around you. And as the strong are inherently apt to do - prey on the weak.

I had glasses in the first grade. Those amber colored ones with the wrap around ear pieces so they wouldn’t fall off easily.

So being non-athletic, a little slender kid and wearing glasses made me stand out to those who were stronger.

As a result, bullies were always a part of my life.

And they weren’t always those stronger kids who were there to torment you. Bullies were everywhere.

Now I did not have any brothers or sisters to toughen me up. My parents tried from what I can discern. But my mom had a problem after I was born and the plumbing no longer worked.

So I was the only child. We had our neighborhood group of playmates and I became close to our neighbors daughter who became as close to a sister as could be. So close mind you that I never thought of her as a girl as we got older. I had no emotions for her but an attachment.

Not being a sister, when I got married I had to leave that relationship behind. I often wish she had been my sister now that I am alone.

So I wasn’t totally alone as a child. But emotionally and culturally I was off to the side of the main group.

In high school the separation was more apparent. And thankfully I had no ongoing nemesis in the bully department. There were just those you avoided so that there would not be any problems.

Then in life, there was always a fear. Lack of confidence as I now see it.

Because of that I tried to be like other people - people who were more confident instead of becoming confident myself. There were no guides along the way to help see those issues.

Being subservient to the “boss” in my employment. Fearful of doing the wrong thing in our church environment. Always looking over my emotional shoulder for a transgression that might be lurking.

Even after baptism and being in the church, there was another level of bulling. Fighting jealously of others positions or successes. And struggling with the lack of abilities that kept me being so fearful and reluctant.

These were the bullies that were a part of my life.

The love of my dear sweetheart was the golden part of my life. I know God gave me that commitment I have written about in past essays. The bond we had - forged in the fire of how our relationship began, was a constant rock to me in this life. As I know now, God was the author of such a deep commitment.

The ship might toss about in the storm, but the anchor firmly can hold it. I had a good foundation.

Now in the light of my greatest challenge of my earthly life, I reflect on how I am free of the bullies.

All of them.

Nothing bothers me right now. Nor do I see anything at all being able to touch me.

In fear we are afraid to lose something. Our position, our image, our reputation - it’s always the idea that something will be lost because of our actions or lack of actions.

Now, I am above all of that.

Actually, I understand the Apostle Paul more than I ever have.

His life changed on the road to Damascus when on his way to rid the world of this scourge of this person Jesus - the object of his crusade became something real. Something powerful. Something he could not ignore or resist. Jesus became real to him.

And because of that encounter, he came to see what was real and what was not. And in that new reality, everything in his life melted away. There was nothing that mattered. His new mission came from a source outside everything he knew. And that gave him a power and strength that was impossible to stop. No matter what came against him.

I understand that now. Everything in my life has changed. When my sweetheart left me - my world changed just like Pauls.

I was living completely for her. She was everything to me. And I mean everything.

So when that was removed - I now had nothing in this world that matters to me.

Nothing has a hold on me.

I am here for some future that I couldn’t care any less about. It is irrelevant to me at this point.

Without her - I have been freed from this world, it’s culture, my opinions and my fears.

I have none.

It is quite liberating.

The most traumatic, deepest breathtaking loss I could have ever imagined has taken place in my life.

I know she is at peace and awaiting that day (mentioned in 1 Thessalonians 4:16 - read it if you have not already). And I am here trying to make sense of it and with God’s help that appears to be happening at some background level.

But no matter what happens I will never look at bullies in the same way.

When you have lost everything that matters in this life - there is nothing that can touch you.

And knowing that God has you - and really knowing at the depths of your very being - gives you a peace that is beyond understanding.

And that makes all the difference.

12. Bullies

Written Wednesday, October 30, 2019 / Day 79 / Morning

Growing up I was an introverted kid. Not being athletic in any way - that separates you from the “normal” kids. Those kids seemed to have abilities and capabilities that us non-athletic kids just didn’t possess. At least that’s what the school structure taught me in my day.

Not being athletic then makes you a target. A target because you appear weaker than those around you. And as the strong are inherently apt to do - prey on the weak.

I had glasses in the first grade. Those amber colored ones with the wrap around ear pieces so they wouldn’t fall off easily.

So being non-athletic, a little slender kid and wearing glasses made me stand out to those who were stronger.

As a result, bullies were always a part of my life.

And they weren’t always those stronger kids who were there to torment you. Bullies were everywhere.

Now I did not have any brothers or sisters to toughen me up. My parents tried from what I can discern. But my mom had a problem after I was born and the plumbing no longer worked.

So I was the only child. We had our neighborhood group of playmates and I became close to our neighbors daughter who became as close to a sister as could be. So close mind you that I never thought of her as a girl as we got older. I had no emotions for her but an attachment.

Not being a sister, when I got married I had to leave that relationship behind. I often wish she had been my sister now that I am alone.

So I wasn’t totally alone as a child. But emotionally and culturally I was off to the side of the main group.

In high school the separation was more apparent. And thankfully I had no ongoing nemesis in the bully department. There were just those you avoided so that there would not be any problems.

Then in life, there was always a fear. Lack of confidence as I now see it.

Because of that I tried to be like other people - people who were more confident instead of becoming confident myself. There were no guides along the way to help see those issues.

Being subservient to the “boss” in my employment. Fearful of doing the wrong thing in our church environment. Always looking over my emotional shoulder for a transgression that might be lurking.

Even after baptism and being in the church, there was another level of bulling. Fighting jealously of others positions or successes. And struggling with the lack of abilities that kept me being so fearful and reluctant.

These were the bullies that were a part of my life.

The ship might toss about in the storm, but the anchor firmly can hold it. I had a good foundation.

Now in the light of my greatest challenge of my earthly life, I reflect on how I am free of the bullies.

All of them.

Nothing bothers me right now. Nor do I see anything at all being able to touch me.

In fear we are afraid to lose something. Our position, our image, our reputation - it’s always the idea that something will be lost because of our actions or lack of actions.

Now, I am above all of that.

Actually, I understand the Apostle Paul more than I ever have.

His life changed on the road to Damascus when on his way to rid the world of this scourge of this person Jesus - the object of his crusade became something real. Something powerful. Something he could not ignore or resist. Jesus became real to him.

I understand that now. Everything in my life has changed. When my sweetheart left me - my world changed just like Pauls.

I was living completely for her. She was everything to me. And I mean everything.

So when that was removed - I now had nothing in this world that matters to me.

Nothing has a hold on me.

I am here for some future that I couldn’t care any less about. It is irrelevant to me at this point.

Without her - I have been freed from this world, it’s culture, my opinions and my fears.

I have none.

It is quite liberating.

The most traumatic, deepest breathtaking loss I could have ever imagined has taken place in my life.

I know she is at peace and awaiting that day (mentioned in 1 Thessalonians 4:16 - read it if you have not already). And I am here trying to make sense of it and with God’s help that appears to be happening at some background level.

But no matter what happens I will never look at bullies in the same way.

When you have lost everything that matters in this life - there is nothing that can touch you.

And knowing that God has you - and really knowing at the depths of your very being - gives you a peace that is beyond understanding.

And that makes all the difference.

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