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12. Dichotomy

Written Tuesday, December 3, 2019 / Day 113 / Morning

A dichotomy is a division into two contrasting things or parts.

As I have learned, nothing is predictable in grief even when you think you are sailing along in momentarily smooth waters. So recently when I experienced two totally new experiences that could not be any different it made me ask the question, “Now what?”.

The first situation was the other day when I just, for no apparent reason, began crying uncontrollably. Students of grief perhaps would indicate that this was some type of something as determined by their experiences in grief.

I on the other had was just flat out surprised. Like that cream pie in the face - it just hit me out of the blue. Except the cream in my pie was spoiled.

It was a rough one. It just started and there I was, sobbing and carrying on as I have so many times in the past months.

Except this time I seemed to have nothing to connect the crying to. I am so sad because of….hmmmm, I had nothing.

Where did this come from?

Well I am certain that the battle that is going on in my emotional life reached some kind of point where the hostilities leaked out and manifested themselves in tears.

Not having an idea of why I was crying was somewhat disarming. Oh no, now I’m going to just start crying without warning?

Great.

But I always seemed to have a reason, a trigger. And this time there was no direct link to the episode.

The drama took its course until I returned to the surreal “normal” that I now live.

Then recently I was again deeply surprised - except this time it could not have been more of an opposite experience.

I awoke the other morning and had this incomprehensible experience - of feeling normal.

No I mean “pre-grief” normal. The way I remember feeling before I entered the world of grief.

Wow. That was something.

I mean totally together, totally settled, totally at peace. Where is a bottle when you need one? I would have saved that for another time.

Of course, reality and it’s friends sought me out and escorted me to what is now my present situation. Thanks so much.

So as the analyst I’d have to say it seems that there are two dramatically different things going on. One is so optimistic - the other oh so cynical.

First I had the most disarming, uncontrollable, emotional breakdown I have experienced yet. Hope that’s not a first of many.

Second I woke up feeling more normal than I can ever remember - that would be a great trend to continue.

12. Dichotomy

Written Tuesday, December 3, 2019 / Day 113 / Morning

A dichotomy is a division into two contrasting things or parts.

As I have learned, nothing is predictable in grief even when you think you are sailing along in momentarily smooth waters. So recently when I experienced two totally new experiences that could not be any different it made me ask the question, “Now what?”.

The first situation was the other day when I just, for no apparent reason, began crying uncontrollably. Students of grief perhaps would indicate that this was some type of something as determined by their experiences in grief.

I on the other had was just flat out surprised. Like that cream pie in the face - it just hit me out of the blue. Except the cream in my pie was spoiled.

It was a rough one. It just started and there I was, sobbing and carrying on as I have so many times in the past months.

Except this time I seemed to have nothing to connect the crying to. I am so sad because of….hmmmm, I had nothing.

Where did this come from?

Well I am certain that the battle that is going on in my emotional life reached some kind of point where the hostilities leaked out and manifested themselves in tears.

Not having an idea of why I was crying was somewhat disarming. Oh no, now I’m going to just start crying without warning?

Great.

But I always seemed to have a reason, a trigger. And this time there was no direct link to the episode.

The drama took its course until I returned to the surreal “normal” that I now live.

Then recently I was again deeply surprised - except this time it could not have been more of an opposite experience.

I awoke the other morning and had this incomprehensible experience - of feeling normal.

No I mean “pre-grief” normal. The way I remember feeling before I entered the world of grief.

Wow. That was something.

I mean totally together, totally settled, totally at peace. Where is a bottle when you need one? I would have saved that for another time.

Of course, reality and it’s friends sought me out and escorted me to what is now my present situation. Thanks so much.

So as the analyst I’d have to say it seems that there are two dramatically different things going on. One is so optimistic - the other oh so cynical.

First I had the most disarming, uncontrollable, emotional breakdown I have experienced yet. Hope that’s not a first of many.

Second I woke up feeling more normal than I can ever remember - that would be a great trend to continue.

I wish I could pick the one I’d like to have.

But unfortunately, where I am right now I have to take things as they come.

At least one of the two was positive so that seems like a good thing.

And if I have to take the good with the bad - then so be it.

At least there is some good in there.

I need all the good I can get these days.

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