12. Lessons from Caregiving

8 min read

"There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." John 15:13 NLT

Written Friday May 15, 2020 / Day 277 / Morning

It is interesting how many of us do not get to choose the careers we end up with. For most, “work” is something we have to do. We need to exist in some form and work gives us the way to do that.

When “work” is approached as an obligation - it is not all that fulfilling. Then there are those whose work seems to fit them. Some in a big way - others in smaller ways.

Caregiving is “a job” for sure. Unfortunately we have seen that from our experiences when we have come into contact with those who really go through the motions of the job. You could say it is the letter of the law - not the spirit. The work for them is just not really “in them”.

For those of us called to that work outside a professional capacity - the scope and implications of the job turn out to be more than you could have ever anticipated.

I know that was true for me.

When my wife reached that crossroads in her life - where her life (and as a side-effect the relationship we shared) met the irresistible force of debilitating illness - it was I who was enrolled in the most consuming, challenging and all-encompassing work I could have ever imagined.

Work that forever changed me as I learned what true caregiving was all about. Going into it - I never had a clue as to what was ahead.

My wife was always the strong one - her very personality had a resilience that was always captivating to me. Perhaps because my strength was loyalty and dependability - coupled with her strength we were quite a team.

But on that terrible night of April 15, 2015 - when we both encountered something that neither of us could deal with - not only this emerging illness but also the beginning of the end of the lives we knew.

The pain she was facing was more than any words I can summon can attempt to explain. We were totally helpless - literally screaming out to God at 1 o’clock in the morning.

My first 911 call - a pathetic mess of a person trying to be coherent in the midst of the incoherence of the moment. The amazing EMT’s who came to sweep us out of that moment and lead us to all the moments we could never foresee that were ahead of us.

Caregiving on the surface - at the beginning of it - just meant taking care of her. Helping her in every way. Little did I know that the caregiving path I was now on - would take me to places I could never had dreamt of - mainly because the “work” took me to places in myself I really never knew were there.

Readers of these Essays know of our relationship. It was not typical. It was beyond special. It had a rock-solid foundation that could not be broken.

Even in this.

So when I was called to serve - my first thought was “I am going to take care of her - no matter what.” It really did not matter - any longer - about my life, even my profession - or anything about me.

I remember thinking - I am staying with her - I don’t care if I lose my house, my job - or anything I have at all. All that mattered was being with her as she faced this most awful time anyone could face.

Men want to fix things. I am no different. I wanted to fix this. I knew that couldn’t - but as long as she was in trauma I knew one thing.

I would also be in trauma.

The hardest thing of all the hardest things that were a part of that time - was knowing she was in pain. It was a continual knife in my heart. It was constant in me - because it was constant in her.

Underneath all of that was life. The operational life. Just enduring the moments to live. This was my new job.

The lesson was - my thoughts and needs no longer mattered. I had no capacity for that anyway - but neither did I have the desire for me. It was all about her.

She could no longer lay down because - of what we later found out - were the compromised vertebrae in her back. So she could only sit upright on our swivel chair in the living room. That would be where she lived for the next 5 month. So I camped out on the couch. It did not matter about my comfort. I no longer had any concept of my comfort - since she was compromised I no longer mattered.

Caregiving in such intensity is something you cannot perform on your own strength. Because we do not have enough of our own. But every waking moment - as well as those moments that attempted to be sleep - were focused on her. She was all that mattered. There was nothing else.

Caregiving by its very nature demands that you focus on another person - their issues. Their comfort. Their needs.

At first - in the adrenaline rush of the cataclysm - you are propelled by all that the situation is driving you to deal with. The needs of the person drive everything. No actually - everything - really everything you could imagine.

Because the situation is crying out for what it needs. It needs someone else to step in. To be the strength the hurting person needs but can no longer supply for themselves.

I remember in the midst of this initial crisis - thinking that she was going to die as a result of what was occurring. Later she would tell me that was never on her mind.

A tribute to her strength and resilience - those qualities that had hopelessly captivated me and never stopped doing that.

Beginning my career as a caregiver then - started in the crucible of fire. Of pain. Of anguish. And of total ignorance of how to be a caregiver.

Those lessons would come. And never stop coming.

As a caregiver - you strive to provide comfort. Most of the time the dream in your heart - to remove the affliction from the one you care so deeply for is not achieved. You have no power to do that. But you have the power to keep them from being alone in their affliction.

I can speak volumes to that fact. Having spent the past months in the worst place imaginable - alone - drives home that fact. As a caregiver - no matter how helpless you may feel - you are not leaving them in their time of affliction.

There’s no relief to that in one sense - but in another it is everything to have that dedicated person focusing everything they are on the one they are caring for.

At times I would muse - at least the sick person gets tended to - us caregivers rarely have time off. When the needs are intense - so becomes the caregiving. It is your job - and you are on the clock 24/7.

During my time, embracing my sweet precious wife as she endured the trial of our lives - the appearance of my flesh was quite distasteful.

Negative thoughts, cries to be satisfied, to have some relief. Constant pulling at my soul to just escape. But there would be no escape for me. In my heart of hearts there could never be. This was a person who meant more to me than these words can convey. There would be none of me while she was in distress.

As the months and really years rolled on - my role became less consuming. Although emerging from the miracle of her cancer disappearing from her CT scans four months after that terrible April night - we were left joyful. And with a new reality.

Our lives forever changed from the experience. Her capacity diminished from the ordeal but her spirit and faith in God never altered in even the slightest way. Her focus rock-solid - because her life - at its core - was grounded on the Rock.

As far a I was concerned - my job was awaiting my return. Now resuming full time work as we navigated how we would operate - our new life emerged as a new phase of caregiving. One in which I was responsible for more than before. I had to assist her in dressing. She thankfully - for both of us - never lost her drive to cook. Something for which I am grateful beyond words. Cooking was her joy. It is odd that right now I cannot even think of cooking. A remnant of the conflict I am sure.

But the unrelenting need to constantly be occupied in some task - be it work or caregiving - or helping her in every way and tending to life in general kept me from me. I had been trained to ignore myself. No matter how the self protested and complained - that conversation was fruitless - the self was no longer part of this new life I had.

And through it all - I know that it was God’s strength that took me though this.

If you are a caregiver - know that His strength is available to you as well. I seriously do not know how I was able to make it though our ordeal other than His power was making that way - where there was no human way.

And on the awful day in August, 2019 - when her race was over - so was my caregiving.

A bitter release from the task I had willingly taken on. Had immersed myself in and had surrounded her with all that a human could provide - while God provided the rest.

In this life, as it has unfolded - as much as I want her here - God ruled on our requests to Him. We were the joyful recipients of a miracle in 2015. And with as much faith as we had for this life - His decision was now clear. Her race was over. My caregiving was over. He would now take over - for both of us.

Her to await the reward that awaits all who now sleep (1 Thessalonians 4:16) - me to await a new life that I can not grasp without her.

The lessons everywhere. The love of God enables us to do these things. To endure the afflictions, rejoice in the blessings that we receive in the midst of the affliction and rely on the only One who can enable us to survive. To await the next steps for us - that are a part of His plan.

Listen to the words of Paul the apostle. He understood suffering - both as an instigator of suffering on so many and as a messenger of the hope that Christ offers to all of us as His free gift to free us from our:

18 Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. 19 For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. 20 Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, 21 the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. 22 For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us.” Romans 8:18-23 (NLT)

In your caregiving - whether it has been in the past or is currently your life - remember the one you serve here - that precious one who needs you and appreciates you more than their affliction can allow them to express. And remember the One who can give you the strength to meet anything that the affliction can throw at you - so you and your loved one can emerge as victorious. Victorious as our Savior’s sacrifice - willingly given for you - has conquered this world and it's afflictions. The sacrifice that is available to you if you will only embrace and believe in it.

12. Lessons from Caregiving

Written Friday May 15, 2020 / Day 277 / Morning

It is interesting how many of us do not get to choose the careers we end up with. For most, “work” is something we have to do. We need to exist in some form and work gives us the way to do that.

When “work” is approached as an obligation - it is not all that fulfilling. Then there are those whose work seems to fit them. Some in a big way - others in smaller ways.

Caregiving is “a job” for sure. Unfortunately we have seen that from our experiences when we have come into contact with those who really go through the motions of the job. You could say it is the letter of the law - not the spirit. The work for them is just not really “in them”.

For those of us called to that work outside a professional capacity - the scope and implications of the job turn out to be more than you could have ever anticipated.

I know that was true for me.

When my wife reached that crossroads in her life - where her life (and as a side-effect the relationship we shared) met the irresistible force of debilitating illness - it was I who was enrolled in the most consuming, challenging and all-encompassing work I could have ever imagined.

Work that forever changed me as I learned what true caregiving was all about. Going into it - I never had a clue as to what was ahead.

My wife was always the strong one - her very personality had a resilience that was always captivating to me. Perhaps because my strength was loyalty and dependability - coupled with her strength we were quite a team.

But on that terrible night of April 15, 2015 - when we both encountered something that neither of us could deal with - not only this emerging illness but also the beginning of the end of the lives we knew.

The pain she was facing was more than any words I can summon can attempt to explain. We were totally helpless - literally screaming out to God at 1 o’clock in the morning.

My first 911 call - a pathetic mess of a person trying to be coherent in the midst of the incoherence of the moment. The amazing EMT’s who came to sweep us out of that moment and lead us to all the moments we could never foresee that were ahead of us.

Readers of these Essays know of our relationship. It was not typical. It was beyond special. It had a rock-solid foundation that could not be broken.

Even in this.

So when I was called to serve - my first thought was “I am going to take care of her - no matter what.” It really did not matter - any longer - about my life, even my profession - or anything about me.

I remember thinking - I am staying with her - I don’t care if I lose my house, my job - or anything I have at all. All that mattered was being with her as she faced this most awful time anyone could face.

Men want to fix things. I am no different. I wanted to fix this. I knew that couldn’t - but as long as she was in trauma I knew one thing.

I would also be in trauma.

The hardest thing of all the hardest things that were a part of that time - was knowing she was in pain. It was a continual knife in my heart. It was constant in me - because it was constant in her.

Underneath all of that was life. The operational life. Just enduring the moments to live. This was my new job.

The lesson was - my thoughts and needs no longer mattered. I had no capacity for that anyway - but neither did I have the desire for me. It was all about her.

Caregiving in such intensity is something you cannot perform on your own strength. Because we do not have enough of our own. But every waking moment - as well as those moments that attempted to be sleep - were focused on her. She was all that mattered. There was nothing else.

Caregiving by its very nature demands that you focus on another person - their issues. Their comfort. Their needs.

At first - in the adrenaline rush of the cataclysm - you are propelled by all that the situation is driving you to deal with. The needs of the person drive everything. No actually - everything - really everything you could imagine.

Because the situation is crying out for what it needs. It needs someone else to step in. To be the strength the hurting person needs but can no longer supply for themselves.

I remember in the midst of this initial crisis - thinking that she was going to die as a result of what was occurring. Later she would tell me that was never on her mind.

A tribute to her strength and resilience - those qualities that had hopelessly captivated me and never stopped doing that.

Beginning my career as a caregiver then - started in the crucible of fire. Of pain. Of anguish. And of total ignorance of how to be a caregiver.

Those lessons would come. And never stop coming.

As a caregiver - you strive to provide comfort. Most of the time the dream in your heart - to remove the affliction from the one you care so deeply for is not achieved. You have no power to do that. But you have the power to keep them from being alone in their affliction.

I can speak volumes to that fact. Having spent the past months in the worst place imaginable - alone - drives home that fact. As a caregiver - no matter how helpless you may feel - you are not leaving them in their time of affliction.

There’s no relief to that in one sense - but in another it is everything to have that dedicated person focusing everything they are on the one they are caring for.

At times I would muse - at least the sick person gets tended to - us caregivers rarely have time off. When the needs are intense - so becomes the caregiving. It is your job - and you are on the clock 24/7.

During my time, embracing my sweet precious wife as she endured the trial of our lives - the appearance of my flesh was quite distasteful.

As the months and really years rolled on - my role became less consuming. Although emerging from the miracle of her cancer disappearing from her CT scans four months after that terrible April night - we were left joyful. And with a new reality.

Our lives forever changed from the experience. Her capacity diminished from the ordeal but her spirit and faith in God never altered in even the slightest way. Her focus rock-solid - because her life - at its core - was grounded on the Rock.

And through it all - I know that it was God’s strength that took me though this.

If you are a caregiver - know that His strength is available to you as well. I seriously do not know how I was able to make it though our ordeal other than His power was making that way - where there was no human way.

And on the awful day in August, 2019 - when her race was over - so was my caregiving.

A bitter release from the task I had willingly taken on. Had immersed myself in and had surrounded her with all that a human could provide - while God provided the rest.

Her to await the reward that awaits all who now sleep (1 Thessalonians 4:16) - me to await a new life that I can not grasp without her.

The lessons everywhere. The love of God enables us to do these things. To endure the afflictions, rejoice in the blessings that we receive in the midst of the affliction and rely on the only One who can enable us to survive. To await the next steps for us - that are a part of His plan.

Listen to the words of Paul the apostle. He understood suffering - both as an instigator of suffering on so many and as a messenger of the hope that Christ offers to all of us as His free gift to free us from our:

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