13. Legacy

4 min read

We owe it to them. We owe it to ourselves.

Written Thursday January 30, 2020 / Day 171 / Morning

A noted celebrity died an unexpected death several days ago. Although death is around us every day - we do not see it directly. Or feel it at all.

Those it affects are not in our circle. Those explosions do not touch us.

This one touched me.

The man and his daughter died. Unexpectedly. My heart sank - I know. My loss was gradual this one was immediate. That does not matter - it is a loss.

Then I found out that they had three other daughters. My heart sank again - if it could sink any more.

I read the wife’s comments and cried out to God to give her strength. Being a celebrity she has circles and circles of contacts and support. That helps - to a point.

But this morning when I woke up I lamented - I know exactly how she woke up today.

The way I do each day.

There is a moment - a split second when I awake that reality has not yet appeared. In that tiny moment it is like the past. The past I long for. Then just as quickly reality appears.

And so does the emptiness.

I manage as she will though the obligations of the day. Reasons to get up and fulfill some task or activity that needs to be addressed.

Now she is in the immediate several weeks of intense activity. Intense contact. Intense recollections about what happened. Those are activities that surround us in our shock and numbness we are feeling.

The surreal quality of our life - now missing what made it our life.

Something she will navigate as I did and we all do who enter the state of grief. Then at some point - the order, the cycles of whatever life she will have will begin. With children she will have a purpose - a part of him still with her.

They will be her focus - whatever family she has the other. But the reality of what has taken place will not come for some time.

I know. Mine is only now just starting to appear. I do not like it at all. The future that is outside in the car waiting for me to come out and join it - unwanted. I ignore it right now. I ignore it because it is missing what makes my life what it is.

If I could share anything I would share two things with her. Two things that drive me right now in my tiny little world I am in.

The first thing would be for her to tell their story. In grief we are missing everything that matters to us. Others try to empathize with us - and unless they share a similar loss - cannot really comfort us the way we need comfort.

I would tell her to write their story. How they met - how they came to love each other. I have been doing that and I have found a strength in that continuing exercise that has brought comfort and actual revelations on aspects of our relationship I never had known.

I would tell her - put into words what he was to you - what you were to him.

Reveal the deepest aspects of your relationship. You need this. You need to put into words the incredible, precious, extraordinary relationship that you are now missing. I would tell her you need to do this - for you.

Then when she was done with her story I would tell her to read it out loud to herself. She would never be the same afterwards. I know I am not.

Next, I would tell her to write the story for her children. They need to know about their father and mother. They need to know why you are so sad - why you are so devastated - so lost. They need to have the story - one they should not be given until they are adults. Only then will they be introduced to your amazing relationship and understand a love that is so precious. A love they should seek and not settle for anything less in their lives.

I would tell this to anyone who is grieving. And I don’t want to hear that you do not know how to write. You do. About this topic you are the authority - the expert. Don’t worry about technical things - worry about the story.

And then write it.

Write it to tell the story of your precious loss. What it was - how it came to be so precious to you. Why you struggle to go on without it. Write that story. Your family deserves to know about your sorrow. They need to know about it from more than a sympathetic observers perspective - they need to know about it from your perspective.

Tell them what you have lost. Tell them so they can feel it - only then can they understand what you have been facing. And only then can you leave a legacy fitting to the precious relationship that has been temporarily interrupted by death.

I would then tell her of the assurance of what we have in Christ. His sacrifice for us - the sacrifice she has heard about and accepted but now is going to understand at a new level.

God has us. I quote 1 Thessalonians 4:16 all of the time. We have a hope that others do not have. We will see them again. And God has a plan that is beyond our understanding.

A plan that is even beyond what our churches have grasped. It’s all there in the Bible. If you seek it - God will enable you to find it. But it is sure. It is real. And in that amazing Kingdom - we will be reunited with our precious ones. And will continue God’s plan which He is working out.

My wife and I learned about this plan for decades. It is our real future and it is coming.

I navigate each day with these two objectives right now. I cannot conceive of a life without her - you cannot without him. But God will use us in a new way. A way I do not have the stomach for right now - but one that will come in His time.

One of the most important things we can do in our grief is to honor what we have lost and hang on to what is ahead.

To live for Christ - and leave a legacy to those around us who can be strengthen by that legacy and the love it represents.

13. Legacy

Written Thursday January 30, 2020 / Day 171 / Morning

A noted celebrity died an unexpected death several days ago. Although death is around us every day - we do not see it directly. Or feel it at all.

Those it affects are not in our circle. Those explosions do not touch us.

This one touched me.

The man and his daughter died. Unexpectedly. My heart sank - I know. My loss was gradual this one was immediate. That does not matter - it is a loss.

Then I found out that they had three other daughters. My heart sank again - if it could sink any more.

I read the wife’s comments and cried out to God to give her strength. Being a celebrity she has circles and circles of contacts and support. That helps - to a point.

But this morning when I woke up I lamented - I know exactly how she woke up today.

The way I do each day.

There is a moment - a split second when I awake that reality has not yet appeared. In that tiny moment it is like the past. The past I long for. Then just as quickly reality appears.

And so does the emptiness.

I manage as she will though the obligations of the day. Reasons to get up and fulfill some task or activity that needs to be addressed.

Now she is in the immediate several weeks of intense activity. Intense contact. Intense recollections about what happened. Those are activities that surround us in our shock and numbness we are feeling.

The surreal quality of our life - now missing what made it our life.

Something she will navigate as I did and we all do who enter the state of grief. Then at some point - the order, the cycles of whatever life she will have will begin. With children she will have a purpose - a part of him still with her.

They will be her focus - whatever family she has the other. But the reality of what has taken place will not come for some time.

I know. Mine is only now just starting to appear. I do not like it at all. The future that is outside in the car waiting for me to come out and join it - unwanted. I ignore it right now. I ignore it because it is missing what makes my life what it is.

If I could share anything I would share two things with her. Two things that drive me right now in my tiny little world I am in.

The first thing would be for her to tell their story. In grief we are missing everything that matters to us. Others try to empathize with us - and unless they share a similar loss - cannot really comfort us the way we need comfort.

I would tell her to write their story. How they met - how they came to love each other. I have been doing that and I have found a strength in that continuing exercise that has brought comfort and actual revelations on aspects of our relationship I never had known.

I would tell her - put into words what he was to you - what you were to him.

Reveal the deepest aspects of your relationship. You need this. You need to put into words the incredible, precious, extraordinary relationship that you are now missing. I would tell her you need to do this - for you.

Then when she was done with her story I would tell her to read it out loud to herself. She would never be the same afterwards. I know I am not.

I would tell this to anyone who is grieving. And I don’t want to hear that you do not know how to write. You do. About this topic you are the authority - the expert. Don’t worry about technical things - worry about the story.

And then write it.

Tell them what you have lost. Tell them so they can feel it - only then can they understand what you have been facing. And only then can you leave a legacy fitting to the precious relationship that has been temporarily interrupted by death.

I would then tell her of the assurance of what we have in Christ. His sacrifice for us - the sacrifice she has heard about and accepted but now is going to understand at a new level.

God has us. I quote 1 Thessalonians 4:16 all of the time. We have a hope that others do not have. We will see them again. And God has a plan that is beyond our understanding.

A plan that is even beyond what our churches have grasped. It’s all there in the Bible. If you seek it - God will enable you to find it. But it is sure. It is real. And in that amazing Kingdom - we will be reunited with our precious ones. And will continue God’s plan which He is working out.

My wife and I learned about this plan for decades. It is our real future and it is coming.

I navigate each day with these two objectives right now. I cannot conceive of a life without her - you cannot without him. But God will use us in a new way. A way I do not have the stomach for right now - but one that will come in His time.

One of the most important things we can do in our grief is to honor what we have lost and hang on to what is ahead.

To live for Christ - and leave a legacy to those around us who can be strengthen by that legacy and the love it represents.

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