13. Packing

4 min read

Written Tuesday March 10, 2020 / Day 211 / Early Morning

When I first flew by myself in October 2019, on my first non-work trip in decades, I re-discovered an interesting reality. When you fly there’s only so much you can take with you.

Airline ticketing has turned into a carnival midway full of choices, obstacles and conditions that are overwhelming in their complexity. Does this go with that? If I choose this option will I have this other outcome? And how much will this combination of choices really cost me?

There are a dizzying array of decisions that lead to the final result - that ticket needed to make the flight.

Then according to the choices made there is the next reality - what you can actually take with you.

Having driven to destinations in the past - taking things on the trip was a no-brainer. Let’s see…hmmmm, well, just take it! There always seemed to be room.

Now however, we have advanced to a game of chess.

Three dimensional chess at that.

You have your carry on, you can even take that small roller bag to the gate and they will put it in a mysterious section of the plane outside the normal “checked-bag” zone. Then of course, there’s that “luggage” of a certain size that can be taken for another fee.

On that trip in October I faced this logic game of what can go. What cannot go. And what just is unthinkable.

It was a bit of a process to enter this very measured, very controlled place.

What clothes can I take? I needed six days of things. I’ll wear one set to, another set from? Is that too much? Well, take fewer slacks but more shirts. But what if something happens? Well, take several “emergency” items just in case there is…a clothing emergency.

Snacks for the room? No, those can be purchased. Toiletries? - just take the minimum. And on and on it went.

In my current world - where the war with the future has finally been ended there is another reality. The next step I suppose.

The step where I leave for the future. What to take with me? What do I leave behind?

During the war, leaving anything behind was a non-negotiable barrier.

Nothing can be left. It all must go - or I’m not going.

And I didn’t.

Nor did I want to.

Now with the barriers removed - the next logical step is to decide on what I could never even consider previously. To decide on what part of my past I must leave behind.

The irony is that some of this decision has already been made.

That reality always hidden behind the sadness, the emptiness, the longing for what was lost.

The energy of this conflict filling every space available with reasons why the remnants meant more than the reality. The ideas of what was somehow being real enough to manage.

They were neither real. Nor could they be managed.

I however, in the grip of an irresistible force, lacking the strength to budge the immovable object which was my grief.

There have been lessons recently which seem to have prepared me for this moment. The preparations for the sorting out of a life. Actually a confirmation, an acknowledgement of the reality that has occurred. The reality that is now visible as the domain of darkness lifts.

The esteem, the worth, the value of my past life being so powerful that I could see nothing else is now something I can address without fear.

Because for all that I have “lost” - I do have so much to take with me.

My sweetie is a part of my soul. My essence equipped with her very thoughts. The way she looked at life - the way she lived her life. The way God trained us together. The way I saw His love flow through her. The supreme privilege of being able to lift her up in every way possible. To care for her in every way. To be blessed to have a life with a foundation that could never be broken - except by death.

Yet, through God’s mercy, and Christ’s sacrifice - a future awaits that is beyond our comprehension (Romans 8:18-23).

I’ll be taking that with me.

I won’t have any room for the anguish. And while there will always be sadness - always be loss, that sadness will strengthen me someday. I don’t see that as yet - but know that blessing will be coming when I am ready for it.

I will have to take a small bag of grief with me as well. Thankfully, while there will be some - there will not be as much as I have dealt with so far.

There will be room for memories. They will need to go in a special container so they can stay fresh. I know the ones I have with me - will always be there when I need them. Those are also a part of my very being.

As I prepare for departure now - I have everything I need with me. All the essentials of the past life I will need as I board the plane leaving for the future.

I am not sure where the flight will take me. But I know the pilot. He has the skill and capacity to deliver me where life will continue.

And yes, it is difficult leaving as it always is. My sentimentality and emotion always there to get the best of me. But with the war over - there is a new strength. I know I will need it. I know where it is coming from.

While I do not know the destination - I do know a new life awaits.

And today I leave to go there.

13. Packing

Written Tuesday March 10, 2020 / Day 211 / Early Morning

When I first flew by myself in October 2019, on my first non-work trip in decades, I re-discovered an interesting reality. When you fly there’s only so much you can take with you.

Airline ticketing has turned into a carnival midway full of choices, obstacles and conditions that are overwhelming in their complexity. Does this go with that? If I choose this option will I have this other outcome? And how much will this combination of choices really cost me?

There are a dizzying array of decisions that lead to the final result - that ticket needed to make the flight.

Then according to the choices made there is the next reality - what you can actually take with you.

Having driven to destinations in the past - taking things on the trip was a no-brainer. Let’s see…hmmmm, well, just take it! There always seemed to be room.

Now however, we have advanced to a game of chess.

Three dimensional chess at that.

You have your carry on, you can even take that small roller bag to the gate and they will put it in a mysterious section of the plane outside the normal “checked-bag” zone. Then of course, there’s that “luggage” of a certain size that can be taken for another fee.

On that trip in October I faced this logic game of what can go. What cannot go. And what just is unthinkable.

It was a bit of a process to enter this very measured, very controlled place.

What clothes can I take? I needed six days of things. I’ll wear one set to, another set from? Is that too much? Well, take fewer slacks but more shirts. But what if something happens? Well, take several “emergency” items just in case there is…a clothing emergency.

Snacks for the room? No, those can be purchased. Toiletries? - just take the minimum. And on and on it went.

In my current world - where the war with the future has finally been ended there is another reality. The next step I suppose.

The step where I leave for the future. What to take with me? What do I leave behind?

During the war, leaving anything behind was a non-negotiable barrier.

Nothing can be left. It all must go - or I’m not going.

And I didn’t.

Nor did I want to.

Now with the barriers removed - the next logical step is to decide on what I could never even consider previously. To decide on what part of my past I must leave behind.

The irony is that some of this decision has already been made.

That reality always hidden behind the sadness, the emptiness, the longing for what was lost.

The energy of this conflict filling every space available with reasons why the remnants meant more than the reality. The ideas of what was somehow being real enough to manage.

They were neither real. Nor could they be managed.

I however, in the grip of an irresistible force, lacking the strength to budge the immovable object which was my grief.

There have been lessons recently which seem to have prepared me for this moment. The preparations for the sorting out of a life. Actually a confirmation, an acknowledgement of the reality that has occurred. The reality that is now visible as the domain of darkness lifts.

The esteem, the worth, the value of my past life being so powerful that I could see nothing else is now something I can address without fear.

Because for all that I have “lost” - I do have so much to take with me.

Yet, through God’s mercy, and Christ’s sacrifice - a future awaits that is beyond our comprehension (Romans 8:18-23).

I’ll be taking that with me.

I won’t have any room for the anguish. And while there will always be sadness - always be loss, that sadness will strengthen me someday. I don’t see that as yet - but know that blessing will be coming when I am ready for it.

I will have to take a small bag of grief with me as well. Thankfully, while there will be some - there will not be as much as I have dealt with so far.

There will be room for memories. They will need to go in a special container so they can stay fresh. I know the ones I have with me - will always be there when I need them. Those are also a part of my very being.

As I prepare for departure now - I have everything I need with me. All the essentials of the past life I will need as I board the plane leaving for the future.

I am not sure where the flight will take me. But I know the pilot. He has the skill and capacity to deliver me where life will continue.

And yes, it is difficult leaving as it always is. My sentimentality and emotion always there to get the best of me. But with the war over - there is a new strength. I know I will need it. I know where it is coming from.

While I do not know the destination - I do know a new life awaits.

And today I leave to go there.

Recent Posts

Comments