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13. Parting is such...

Written Thursday, January 2, 2020 / Day 143 / Morning

As I continue to contend with - well, just about everything - the running commentary in my background is: “so what IS this?”.

No matter what I do or where I go in my small home I run into the future that will never be.

And if I don’t run into that, I run into the reminders of the extraordinary person that became a part of everything that is a part of me.

Despite my analytical breakdowns of everything (that I can breakdown) the irreconcilable nature of these encounters is a constant battle.

I try to think of it as a medicine - “Well, if I have to have another dose to resolve this seemingly unresolvable moment - then bring it on!”. But then I doubt - “…but wait, if this is just another emotional cul-de-sac I am headed for - I do not want any part of that!”.

Of course, there is no way to know the difference. So sometimes it comes and sometimes I try to swat it like a bug you hope to eliminate.

Was that the right choice for that moment? Who knows?

And I wonder why I am tired!

In the cosmic scheme of everything I am well aware that there is an amazing cosmic scheme awaiting me. Awaiting everyone who chooses life over death (Deuteronomy 30:19).

But in this transitory time between this broken world and the next step in the plan - the sting of death is just that. If you have ever been stung, or severely pinched or had a traumatic moment that stopped you in your tracks - you understand some of this.

An overwhelming amount of pain - concentrated in an initial moment that continues to radiate out in waves that cannot be stopped, tempered or soothed. Pain that runs in the background and along with it an unrelenting anguish that is excruciating.

We are not suppose to end this way. We were built for eternity. That is why your age (and your body) tell you one thing - but your mind thinks you are still 21.

In a sense now - the fact that I can have this debate, this evaluation of an oncoming disruptive emotional moment - seems like it may be an actual bit of progress of some kind.

I originally had the moment and it was a tsunami of emotion which swept in and destroyed the village and everything in it. So to have this retrospective going on as the moments come is quite a surprise.

The point I imagine is to just acknowledge the moment and press on to get past it.

I am still quite strongly resisting any “future” which I really do not know what that means without my sweetie. Perhaps that will come. I admit it has to but if it is my choice I’ll hide under this rock for now, thank you.

Perhaps my spirit that has been crushed by the insurmountable weight of the reality that was thrust upon it will eventually be reconstructed.

I know that is not in my power.

But that help will arrive when it will arrive.

Of that I am sure.

And then my prayers of my my grief turning into strength will be fulfilled.

And the sorrow I now feel - will have that sweetness that represents everything my dear Joann was to me.

13. Parting is such...

Written Thursday, January 2, 2020 / Day 143 / Morning

As I continue to contend with - well, just about everything - the running commentary in my background is: “so what IS this?”.

No matter what I do or where I go in my small home I run into the future that will never be.

And if I don’t run into that, I run into the reminders of the extraordinary person that became a part of everything that is a part of me.

Despite my analytical breakdowns of everything (that I can breakdown) the irreconcilable nature of these encounters is a constant battle.

I try to think of it as a medicine - “Well, if I have to have another dose to resolve this seemingly unresolvable moment - then bring it on!”. But then I doubt - “…but wait, if this is just another emotional cul-de-sac I am headed for - I do not want any part of that!”.

Of course, there is no way to know the difference. So sometimes it comes and sometimes I try to swat it like a bug you hope to eliminate.

Was that the right choice for that moment? Who knows?

And I wonder why I am tired!

In the cosmic scheme of everything I am well aware that there is an amazing cosmic scheme awaiting me. Awaiting everyone who chooses life over death (Deuteronomy 30:19).

But in this transitory time between this broken world and the next step in the plan - the sting of death is just that. If you have ever been stung, or severely pinched or had a traumatic moment that stopped you in your tracks - you understand some of this.

An overwhelming amount of pain - concentrated in an initial moment that continues to radiate out in waves that cannot be stopped, tempered or soothed. Pain that runs in the background and along with it an unrelenting anguish that is excruciating.

We are not suppose to end this way. We were built for eternity. That is why your age (and your body) tell you one thing - but your mind thinks you are still 21.

In a sense now - the fact that I can have this debate, this evaluation of an oncoming disruptive emotional moment - seems like it may be an actual bit of progress of some kind.

I originally had the moment and it was a tsunami of emotion which swept in and destroyed the village and everything in it. So to have this retrospective going on as the moments come is quite a surprise.

The point I imagine is to just acknowledge the moment and press on to get past it.

I am still quite strongly resisting any “future” which I really do not know what that means without my sweetie. Perhaps that will come. I admit it has to but if it is my choice I’ll hide under this rock for now, thank you.

Perhaps my spirit that has been crushed by the insurmountable weight of the reality that was thrust upon it will eventually be reconstructed.

I know that is not in my power.

But that help will arrive when it will arrive.

Of that I am sure.

And then my prayers of my my grief turning into strength will be fulfilled.

And the sorrow I now feel - will have that sweetness that represents everything my dear Joann was to me.

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