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13. The End of Dreams


They died too.

Written Saturday, August 31, 2019 / Day 19 / Evening


In my case my wife and I thought we were on a side road that would lead us back to our lives together. As optimistic as we both were - the progression was not upward though we acted like there would be an uptick at any time.


We had seen a miracle in my wife's health before. Who's not to say this could happen again. We had faith.


The situation did not change for the better and as we coped we continued onward until God's answer was clear.


On August 12, 2019 my sweetie was finally at peace. She trusted in whatever answer was ahead. And she was good with what God decided.


On this side I grapple with that decision. One of the hardest of the endless list of hard things that are presently a part of my life is that those plans we made, those dreams we had were not to be.


It is a bitter pill for me to swallow. I lash out not accepting it while knowing that the finality of the situation makes my protests a vain exercise.


And yet the sting of lost dreams is one of the hardest reminders right now.


Everything was interrupted - we were not prepared - I was retiring August 1st and we had ideas and dreams of what we could do with that time.


All of that is not to be.


But I want it to be.


The futility of the thought process becomes quite tiring. Yet everything is now still so fresh - one moment looking ahead - the next with me sitting in a pile of rubble.


The dreams represent us and what we had together. I am still madly in love with her and told her that daily. She knew I meant it - and we marveled at 47 years of such a bond.


But now when I run across a trigger of something that was to be part of a dream - it is just too much. I stop and gasp internally and then try to work through it.


Ending the dream is like ending the relationship. I no longer have a relationship because she is gone - now the dreams ahead have been replaced with the dreams I have of the past with her.


The dreams are still here in me - in my mind - and there they will have to die just like my dearest sweetie has died.

I want to hold on to them though because they are the part of her that I still have - a part of her no matter how transitory it currently is. I want to hold on to something - so I hold on to those dreams.


I will have to let go of them at some point. I know it is a fruitless exercise - but for now I will keep them with me.


Keep them with me until God can heal my broken heart.

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