14. Aftermath

3 min read

Out of the rubble, the path to the future emerges.

Written Tuesday March 10, 2020 / Day 211 / Late Evening

There is a strange silence when a war ends. The constant sounds of conflict and destruction are ended. The energy that had been dedicated to death and destruction now depleted. That engine stopped for good.

Leaving everything that had been in its way damaged in some manner.

Where the physical destruction ended, the emotional destruction continued. The constant pressure of war - impending damage, potential loss that had been part of every day - still present in a strange echo of what was.

In attempting to create a description of the vacuum of an existence I have faced these last 210 days - words are inadequate as they always have been.

Sympathy from those outside while cordial and compassionate - is lacking the real understanding I crave - yet I know is impossible for those who have not tasted such constant angst to provide.

The contention ever present each day. Each moment. Hollowness - a gripping sensation of unresolved mental disruption.

I now understand those who are trapped in this place. While thankfully not turning to any means to end the contentions, those who face severe depression, thoughts of suicide - turning to drugs or alcohol to deaden the pain endure this same place of darkness that I have been privileged to leave.

My continual cries to God for relief - fully knowing that His answer would come in His time - a daily reminder of how awful this world is at its core and why we need a savior to show us the way.

At this point - I am in a continual state of awe.

To be released from a contention of such magnitude. Of such power. Of such scope. Released to peer out into the world I left behind - a world now missing all that had made it my world.

The entire context of my thinking now struggling with how to process such a liberation. And not only that - but how to regain the skill and composure to do anything.

Yet these abilities will return. That effort will take time.

The current mode of operating subject to change at some point.

For now, the day to day will remain as it has. This shell of the life now containing a new mechanism that will take that life somewhere as it is able.

Knowing full well that it will be a process. Just as all of this has been. Only now it will not be a struggle to just survive. Now it will be a question of learning what the new context will be. What are its parts. How will it work.

Most importantly, what the new purpose will be.

This will be revealed. When it is time.

Until then, life will become an enterprise of moving forward one day at a time. That has not changed.

What has changed is that the trip will not be under the titanic cloud it was under. Certainly there will be sadness, loss and future emotional breakdowns. That will be expected.

Now, however, it will be a learning exercise instead of an exercise of pure survival and coping with the un-copable.

The days of conflict that I have experienced have left their mark. Left their damage. Left their scars. These are the result of what was. The aftermath of that intense war.

With light streaming into this new place - with the prospect of conversation and a new future ahead - the aftermath will not be easy to overcome.

This still unknown future - a challenge on many levels.

But just as we are now at a new point in the journey - we now have a dramatically changed perspective.

One of a coming hope that will be fulfilled in front of me.

One of a faith that has been tested but always knew this day would arrive.

And amidst the aftermath of the titanic battle that has ended - that assurance that now we will arrive at that new life.

A life which will be blessed by all that had been built upon it - resting upon the foundation of the love that was and still is at its core.

A life that will celebrate the love that God has been providing throughout my darkest days.

The love that will be the destination I will arrive at.

14. Aftermath

Written Tuesday March 10, 2020 / Day 211 / Late Evening

There is a strange silence when a war ends. The constant sounds of conflict and destruction are ended. The energy that had been dedicated to death and destruction now depleted. That engine stopped for good.

Leaving everything that had been in its way damaged in some manner.

Where the physical destruction ended, the emotional destruction continued. The constant pressure of war - impending damage, potential loss that had been part of every day - still present in a strange echo of what was.

In attempting to create a description of the vacuum of an existence I have faced these last 210 days - words are inadequate as they always have been.

Sympathy from those outside while cordial and compassionate - is lacking the real understanding I crave - yet I know is impossible for those who have not tasted such constant angst to provide.

The contention ever present each day. Each moment. Hollowness - a gripping sensation of unresolved mental disruption.

I now understand those who are trapped in this place. While thankfully not turning to any means to end the contentions, those who face severe depression, thoughts of suicide - turning to drugs or alcohol to deaden the pain endure this same place of darkness that I have been privileged to leave.

My continual cries to God for relief - fully knowing that His answer would come in His time - a daily reminder of how awful this world is at its core and why we need a savior to show us the way.

At this point - I am in a continual state of awe.

To be released from a contention of such magnitude. Of such power. Of such scope. Released to peer out into the world I left behind - a world now missing all that had made it my world.

The entire context of my thinking now struggling with how to process such a liberation. And not only that - but how to regain the skill and composure to do anything.

Yet these abilities will return. That effort will take time.

The current mode of operating subject to change at some point.

For now, the day to day will remain as it has. This shell of the life now containing a new mechanism that will take that life somewhere as it is able.

Knowing full well that it will be a process. Just as all of this has been. Only now it will not be a struggle to just survive. Now it will be a question of learning what the new context will be. What are its parts. How will it work.

Most importantly, what the new purpose will be.

This will be revealed. When it is time.

Until then, life will become an enterprise of moving forward one day at a time. That has not changed.

What has changed is that the trip will not be under the titanic cloud it was under. Certainly there will be sadness, loss and future emotional breakdowns. That will be expected.

Now, however, it will be a learning exercise instead of an exercise of pure survival and coping with the un-copable.

The days of conflict that I have experienced have left their mark. Left their damage. Left their scars. These are the result of what was. The aftermath of that intense war.

With light streaming into this new place - with the prospect of conversation and a new future ahead - the aftermath will not be easy to overcome.

This still unknown future - a challenge on many levels.

But just as we are now at a new point in the journey - we now have a dramatically changed perspective.

One of a coming hope that will be fulfilled in front of me.

One of a faith that has been tested but always knew this day would arrive.

And amidst the aftermath of the titanic battle that has ended - that assurance that now we will arrive at that new life.

A life which will be blessed by all that had been built upon it - resting upon the foundation of the love that was and still is at its core.

A life that will celebrate the love that God has been providing throughout my darkest days.

The love that will be the destination I will arrive at.

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