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14. Grief Fatigue

Updated: May 2, 2020


t's just too much too much of the time.

Written Thursday, December 6, 2019 / Day 116 / Afternoon


Fatigue is different than weakness. I never knew that. Weakness is just being tired and that can be remedied by resting and sleep. Fatigue is more a systemic problem - a general feeling of exhaustion, a deeper weakness that prevents a person from focusing.


In the world of grief one of the things we come to accept is the dependability of grief.

Because the loss is permanent (and in the cases where that loss cannot be reversed by any human efforts) there is a certain amount of stress that now becomes part of your life.


Not physical stress - I know in my situation I have no external forces stressing me at all. If any do ever appear I will not allow them to dominate my actions in any way. For me that is just the way it is at the moment.


But mental stress - well that’s where those of us in the state of grief have no control.


In recent weeks I have used my approach of giving a personality to the nebulous elements that seem to affect me. Early on in my journey I did that with grief itself. I would rebuke it - yell at it and generally tell it to get out of my life.


So to include the other elements in my small world that seem to attack me - into this personification exercise brings a tiny bit of relief. Verbalizing feelings does seem to have an effect on them and my overall state as well.


Even though in the lifespan of grief experiences, I am still an intern, I’m just starting this awful chapter of my life. Despite the fact that this is only day 116 - I am worn out mentally and with good reason.


Every day is - to one degree or another - a bit of a struggle. In the beginning that struggle was insanely intense and overwhelming. Thankfully those intense days have subsided. What is there now are episodes of crying and sobbing on various topics that seem to be the result of the trigger of the moment.


Visiting and revising the absolutes that I now face, the irrationality of the situation, the fact that I am alone. The harsh reality of losing the companionship that had been a part of my life and having to face aloneness (not a word I’m sure).


And then there is God. I do not mean to minimize that aspect of my journey. Those of you who have read the previous essays know of my foundation in God and the strength I have received to get me this far.


But as we know we must suffer in this broken world - so I brace myself as each episode unfolds, often lamenting, “Is this what we actually have to go through????”.


Thankfully I have my family and that has been a refuge. They have their own lives and cannot stop to cater to me - but regular inclusion into their days for dinner at least 5 times a week because of their schedule gives me a welcome destination and outlet.


The ride home has now become so much less of a trauma than it first was. I know God, writing these essays and now the family history project have added a little more substance to my otherwise empty existence of the moment.


I know everyone is busy - I know how busy my pre-grief life was and we thought we were as basic as they come. We still couldn’t get everything done we wanted. So I understand.


But it is still what it is.


And it is tiring.


That is why, while I often pine away at some future something where I am functional in some way for some purpose - I know in my current state any of that would not be possible. I just could not pull that off now - even if things opened up for me.


So the answer as it has always been is day by day. It’s like the old joke about the restaurant asking the customer how many slices they wanted their pizza cut into. The answer was 10, I could never eat 6.


So cutting life down to smaller pieces is the only way for now. Resting when I have to or just can’t cope for the moment.


Continuing to pray for the strength I do not have.


And finding that it is there when I need it the most.

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