top of page
Search

14. In the Valley

3 min read


There is only one way out.

Written Sunday, January 5, 2020 / Day 146 / Afternoon


I have been navigating the end of my previous mild illness that has left me with an intermittent background cough. I hear the reports that illness is rampant right now so my idea is to hang in here and get through the remainder of this before heading out there to possibly catch something new.


This has relegated me to this isolation chamber once again. A place where I can endure for a while without any outside contact - but where my tolerance for the situation is limited.


So here I am in yet another paradox. One within the seemingly nested paradoxes that now make up my life.


For all the coping that is taking place - there comes a time where there is just no more that can be endured. So at that point we crash into the valley of everything that is wrong.


It is quite a list. As much as I force myself to be positive for the blessings I do have - which are many - the reality that this frozen in time state I am in - is what the “future” will be for the moment - must be the engine of this despair.


Others have told me of the intensity of everything diminishes over time but never really ends. This I have already discerned from where I am at the moment. This does not stop the fact there is no way of knowing when the arrival of that least of the least intensity will arrive.


For now it remains some unknown distance away from me.


Left to myself here - I think I am coping quite well. Then it will happen.


I fall into one of the many traps that are everywhere in my life.


The absurdity of the situation - being alone, having the monuments to the non-future they represent all around me, connections to my dear sweetie that lurk around every corner - these all conspire to gang up on me.


And they take their shots. I pull out the arrows quickly and declare my statements of reality to counteract their attempts to drag me down.


Perhaps in these episodes of prolonged isolation due to these relatively mild illnesses (from which I am attempting to deal with before they become anything worse) is a sort of training exercise for me.


I wail that I had the most minimalist life possible - now I must have even less. Of course this is normal I’m sure. But one thing I am noticing is that perhaps I will become stronger though this exercise. Like any medicine that makes you wince at its ingestion - this also makes my pathetic collection of elements that make up my life at the moment more prominent. And perhaps in that emphasis - there is a bit of acceptance.


There has to be because there is no other path I can take.


So it’s day by day - it is not quite hour by hour - the time seems to progress. My evaluation of my situation seems to tell me I am getting physically better. I could probably dose up with over the counter medications and press on - but for the moment the thought is - why?


Why indeed. The only goal at the moment is to get back to that neutral state I was in prior to the illness.


Strange that the neutral state would be the goal. But it is.


In the valley one thing is clear - or at least I hope it is at the moment - this is as far down as I can go.


I know that in many ways that is not really true as I have experienced stunning revelations that past worst moments were the ultimate worst moments only to find out that they were waypoints to even more overwhelming awfulness.


But for now I will declare this valley the floor.


I know that I have help in the midst of all of this. Not to reverse any of this for the moment - but to help me as I travel through the valley. Psalm 23 is like that. It is exactly what I have at the moment.


And that is a comfort in this terrible place that I must pass through.

2 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments

bottom of page