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14. Memories

Written Sunday, September 1, 2019 / Day 20 / Morning

Greeting card companies always mention memories in their sympathy cards. I know for I have received what is probably their current thinking on the subject from all the cards I have been receiving.

Yes in grief, memories become a larger part of your life.

I am having trouble sorting them out though.

Memories of the last weeks and overall the last months seem to fall into several categories.

The memories of the pain and discomfort and struggle can really be haunting. Those real experiences are ones I'd rather not experience again.

The utter helplessness of those situations only pushes me further into a place of despair I would rather not be visiting.

The suffering and all that went along with it is over. In my wife's view she only saw the suffering (as I do as well) as part of being a disciple of Jesus. The Bible tells a story of the sufferings of His disciples - too long to cover here but suffice it to say since we share in His suffering and at the resurrection (1 Thessalonians 4:16) we will share in His glory:

And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. (Rom 8:17 NLT)

She was totally strengthened through her confidence in Christ - it was apparent to everyone around her. She baffled the doctors and staff with her attitude.

So memories associated with this aspect of the past are not really welcomed by me. When they appear, I bat them away. I've already suffered through that, thank you - no need to re-suffer again when there's so much currently available to suffer about.

And you want to remember them. It seems to be part of a protection element - holding on to this holds on to the person in your mind at least.

In the state of grief I live in, I'll take any connection I have available.

We can be particular about the food we eat, but given a starvation scenario what we would have considered trash in the past can become desirable.

While painful memories of those we love can draw us, they aren't the quality of memories that will help stabilize us. Or are good for us.

Or at least that's what my analytical side tries to tell me when I'm sobbing in grief about them.

There are traps in thinking that we can get in to just as in a regular non-grief infested world. Any thoughts that don't take me to a better place are really a waste of energy.

However, if a thought helps you understand, grow or learn - that's a great thought even if it is a painful one. The outcome will be to help you to grow - forward movement will be the result.

But if painful thoughts show up and all they do is keep you where you are - well then, what good are they? It's like gossip - a juicy tidbit about someone else's life you probably should not be aware of anyway. They are interesting, intriguing since they appeal to our human nature - but what does it do for you? They are empty calories in a sense - all you can do is share them to get another kick. But have you helped the other person? Either the object of the tidbit or the recipient of the knowledge? Hardly. These are destructive - not helpful and ultimately - not loving.

So these painful memories - if they help me understand something, gain, insight or help settle me in some way fine. But if I just play them back to relive pain and suffering, then what is the point of that? It really doesn't respect the person - or even yourself. It just digs the knife in deeper and we really don't need to have any more of that.

But then there are the memories that do settle you. At least I hope I can find them.

Right now I am so sensitive that memories of my sweetie tend to upset me anyway.

I pray for a day that they won't. These aren't the painful ones, but the ones of our lives - the times we enjoyed the day to day things that were so day to day until they are the most important memories you could ever have - or preserve.

So memory management is one of my new professions - I only want the ones that will strengthen me. But it is a battle - you have to be the bouncer at the door. None of those destructive painful memories allowed - your kind is not welcome here!

While I am in no way moving on to anything at this point that I can discern, the good memories will be a foundation of the future me.

The future me that will still be grieving - because this is a new part of our lives we will never be past in this lifetime - but that me will have a foundation of only the best of my sweetheart.

It's a time I look forward to.

But wait, here comes a memory - let me see what I'll do with it.

14. Memories

Written Sunday, September 1, 2019 / Day 20 / Morning

Greeting card companies always mention memories in their sympathy cards. I know for I have received what is probably their current thinking on the subject from all the cards I have been receiving.

Yes in grief, memories become a larger part of your life.

I am having trouble sorting them out though.

Memories of the last weeks and overall the last months seem to fall into several categories.

The memories of the pain and discomfort and struggle can really be haunting. Those real experiences are ones I'd rather not experience again.

The utter helplessness of those situations only pushes me further into a place of despair I would rather not be visiting.

And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. (Rom 8:17 NLT)

She was totally strengthened through her confidence in Christ - it was apparent to everyone around her. She baffled the doctors and staff with her attitude.

So memories associated with this aspect of the past are not really welcomed by me. When they appear, I bat them away. I've already suffered through that, thank you - no need to re-suffer again when there's so much currently available to suffer about.

And you want to remember them. It seems to be part of a protection element - holding on to this holds on to the person in your mind at least.

In the state of grief I live in, I'll take any connection I have available.

We can be particular about the food we eat, but given a starvation scenario what we would have considered trash in the past can become desirable.

While painful memories of those we love can draw us, they aren't the quality of memories that will help stabilize us. Or are good for us.

Or at least that's what my analytical side tries to tell me when I'm sobbing in grief about them.

There are traps in thinking that we can get in to just as in a regular non-grief infested world. Any thoughts that don't take me to a better place are really a waste of energy.

However, if a thought helps you understand, grow or learn - that's a great thought even if it is a painful one. The outcome will be to help you to grow - forward movement will be the result.

But then there are the memories that do settle you. At least I hope I can find them.

Right now I am so sensitive that memories of my sweetie tend to upset me anyway.

I pray for a day that they won't. These aren't the painful ones, but the ones of our lives - the times we enjoyed the day to day things that were so day to day until they are the most important memories you could ever have - or preserve.

So memory management is one of my new professions - I only want the ones that will strengthen me. But it is a battle - you have to be the bouncer at the door. None of those destructive painful memories allowed - your kind is not welcome here!

While I am in no way moving on to anything at this point that I can discern, the good memories will be a foundation of the future me.

The future me that will still be grieving - because this is a new part of our lives we will never be past in this lifetime - but that me will have a foundation of only the best of my sweetheart.

It's a time I look forward to.

But wait, here comes a memory - let me see what I'll do with it.

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