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15. Just Looking

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Looking can hurt at times.

Written Saturday, December 7, 2019 / Day 117 / Evening


Back in the days of neighborhoods and local stores you would walk down the street and the shop keepers would put samples of what they were selling in the window. As we walked down the street - we actually walked a lot more than we ever do today - looking through those windows at whatever was the latest item to buy was called “Window shopping”.


Department stores back in the day that were in downtown areas and had extensive windows on the street where they placed their latest goods to entice you to come in to shop.


All of that is now replaced with computer screens and smart phone browsers. I guess that is our new “window” for “window shopping”.


It struck me as so many things do these days that as I learn to manage my memories - I long for the day that certain memories will not make me break down.


I know why I am breaking down but that does not seem to help. The damage apparently is at such a deep level that the trauma that is being experienced down there is too much to be controlled.


Right now - I am very aware of this and regularly prepare myself - so I think - for these situations by reminding myself - out loud mind you - that unnecessary crying is not what I want memories to invoke.


I do not want to rush anything because in reality I have no where to go right now. Nor do I have a reason either.


The routine while still in place is thankfully less intense. I am conflicted. I’m sure in so many ways of which I am unconsciously aware - but consciously I want to be ready to be able to do something I really do not want.


No wonder I’m a mess.


Apparently the subconscious is aware of all of this at a level I am not able to see nor should I. The only indications I get of any progress in resolving the titanic conflict that is raging is that certain episodes that were once insanely out of control emotionally seem to be rather less intense. It’s a thunderstorm - not a tornado.


So that is a welcome relief.


The part of me that does not want anything to do with my current life is fighting the part that wants to stabilize and be ready to travel. These are direct opposite forces so it’s clear why there is such a conflict.


With my dear sweetie pie - the future - whatever that is - has a gigantic crater in it right now. So that’s a problem. That’s why the family history project is good therapy. I am back in the past - reliving what happened to us from the very beginning. There has been some comfort in knowing that the story will be passed on to my sweet granddaughters, my son and his wife and my niece.


That’s at least a focus - and taken in bite-sized daily doses something that can be accomplished in the short-term while the conflict rages below the surface.


I tire of it all of course. Life is a hollow shell in so many ways.


I cling to God and my Savior and there is strength in that - but the best that we can have right now in the present is a pause in the emptiness and missing my sweetheart.


And that is something.


So as I muddle on I keep writing and long for the day that when I look at the memories - they will not drag me down - not depress me.


Then I’ll be able to say to them - no don’t bother upsetting me - I’m just looking

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