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15. Out of this World

A place beyond everything I used to know.

Written Monday, September 2, 2019 / Day 21 / Morning

When you are sick an interesting thing happens. You are dealing with the affliction in whatever form it takes - it makes you have to stop your activities. You need a sick day. You rest - if you can - you take medications if you need to and just ride out the effects until they pass.

You just stop your life for that time - and that's ok - because you are ill. You have to rest so you do. You don't bother with your normal responsibilities because you can't.

You are outside of time for the duration.

And within the affliction there is a kind of rest. Now your stomach may be in trauma, or you may be congested beyond belief - but under those symptoms - you are off the grid.

You get a pass from life for a while.

Now beginning my fourth week of grief I find I am in a similar situation. However the affliction is a new state of living. It has essentially taken me out of life for the moment.

I am only part of the world administratively. I shop a bit, get gas for the car, pay the bills - just the things that have to be done.

I may even try to mow the lawn in a few days. We'll see.

But being out of this world puts you in a different category.

My honest reaction is - I just don't care about anything right now.

My "affliction" has taken me out.

My symptoms, a paralyzed mind, a lack of energy. No ability to focus energy to be "social" - apart from a phone call or two.

A feeling of emptiness that is profound and all encompassing.

Occasional periods of complete despair followed by frustration and prolific tears.

That's enough to keep anyone busy.

Although it is quite taxing.

For all the emptiness I feel - it is interesting that I feel an odd strength.

The strength is that I have no apprehension about anything. I don't think you could intimidate me right now in any way. Most likely because I don't care.

I feel impervious to threats, concerns or even my own health problems (I really don't have any I know of right now - but if one surfaced I'd have a tough time caring about it.).

In the midst of feeling powerless I feel strong.

This may be like what the apostle Paul wrote - something we quoted quite often in my wife's situation:

So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT)

I've got the weakness part all right - not too sure about the rest right now since I don't have any desire to care or do anything. But I see the point.

It strikes me that I may not be ready for anything to change - and that's okay. There is no schedule right now - and absolutely no pressure. I will not allow pressure to come in.

I've already have enough unwanted houseguests as it is - all I need is pressure to join them.

So I will maintain my orbit as I view the world from this unique perspective. One I do not like at all - but one I am stuck with for the moment.

I'll enjoy the view when I can and endure the realities as I have to.

And pray that my day of readiness will come at the right time.

15. Out of this World

Written Monday, September 2, 2019 / Day 21 / Morning

When you are sick an interesting thing happens. You are dealing with the affliction in whatever form it takes - it makes you have to stop your activities. You need a sick day. You rest - if you can - you take medications if you need to and just ride out the effects until they pass.

You just stop your life for that time - and that's ok - because you are ill. You have to rest so you do. You don't bother with your normal responsibilities because you can't.

You are outside of time for the duration.

And within the affliction there is a kind of rest. Now your stomach may be in trauma, or you may be congested beyond belief - but under those symptoms - you are off the grid.

You get a pass from life for a while.

Now beginning my fourth week of grief I find I am in a similar situation. However the affliction is a new state of living. It has essentially taken me out of life for the moment.

I am only part of the world administratively. I shop a bit, get gas for the car, pay the bills - just the things that have to be done.

I may even try to mow the lawn in a few days. We'll see.

But being out of this world puts you in a different category.

My honest reaction is - I just don't care about anything right now.

My "affliction" has taken me out.

My symptoms, a paralyzed mind, a lack of energy. No ability to focus energy to be "social" - apart from a phone call or two.

A feeling of emptiness that is profound and all encompassing.

Occasional periods of complete despair followed by frustration and prolific tears.

That's enough to keep anyone busy.

Although it is quite taxing.

For all the emptiness I feel - it is interesting that I feel an odd strength.

The strength is that I have no apprehension about anything. I don't think you could intimidate me right now in any way. Most likely because I don't care.

I feel impervious to threats, concerns or even my own health problems (I really don't have any I know of right now - but if one surfaced I'd have a tough time caring about it.).

In the midst of feeling powerless I feel strong.

This may be like what the apostle Paul wrote - something we quoted quite often in my wife's situation:

So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT)

I've got the weakness part all right - not too sure about the rest right now since I don't have any desire to care or do anything. But I see the point.

It strikes me that I may not be ready for anything to change - and that's okay. There is no schedule right now - and absolutely no pressure. I will not allow pressure to come in.

I've already have enough unwanted houseguests as it is - all I need is pressure to join them.

So I will maintain my orbit as I view the world from this unique perspective. One I do not like at all - but one I am stuck with for the moment.

I'll enjoy the view when I can and endure the realities as I have to.

And pray that my day of readiness will come at the right time.

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