15. Sadness and Love

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Written Monday February 3, 2020 / Day 175 / Morning

In the world I am living in - sadness is a recurring companion. It is one you do not want - but one that is with you wherever you go.

Even when sadness is not manifesting itself - it is there. Lurking in the background. Hanging out in the shadows.

I just had a moment - totally unexpected as so many of them are.

I was going for a pad of paper and found a large one that Joann would use.

I opened it up and saw at the top only two words. A title and an item - then nothing.

The Title: “Retirement” and under it “People” and under it the blank page.

This of course sums up one of the most sorrowful components of my life.

The idea that we were going to reconnect with so many people at my retirement. Here was the beginning of her thoughts - poignantly blank as a testimony to the unfulfilled dream.

And there it is.

Slapping my directly in the face. With all the intensity that it could muster.

And I collapsed into an emotional puddle.

After regaining my composure - I continued my steps to my next task of the immediate moment.

As I reflected on everything - I keep declaring that God’s love is not sad. Yet because I have lost my love reference in this world - I am now profoundly sad at a level that is without definition.

The point in my life where love was at its highest - that point where two people - struggling with the reality of the physical, the flesh and all the brokenness that is folded into our lives that we must content with - that point has now been shattered.

Now that I am left to operate on my own - I find that exercise overwhelming and exhausting.

And sad.

Sad for the loss. Sad for the reality I cannot yet grasp.

But I do see one thing - sadness and love do not go together.

And when sadness sweeps over me with the tsunami of emotional energy - I declare that “Love is not sad!!”.

In sorting out sadness and love - I know that the exercise will never be over.

Now in the state of grief - the loss is an ever-present reminder of the new reality. The hurtful reality. The empty reality - the sad reality.

But then I know that the love I shared with Joann was beyond anything of this world. Yes we had to live under the mess of life we all must contend with.

In the background though - was that assurance - that love - and we both knew where it came from. God put it there.

For now - my path will be to let love conquer the sadness. I have said this continually that I pray that my grief will be turned into strength.

The sadness will not relent. But neither will love. And I know from my past - that it was greater than anything that could come against it. Because the One from whom it is coming is greater than anything that can come against Him.

Sadness and love may be a part of my everyday but I know one thing - the greatest of them is love.

And will always be.

15. Sadness and Love

Written Monday February 3, 2020 / Day 175 / Morning

In the world I am living in - sadness is a recurring companion. It is one you do not want - but one that is with you wherever you go.

Even when sadness is not manifesting itself - it is there. Lurking in the background. Hanging out in the shadows.

I just had a moment - totally unexpected as so many of them are.

I was going for a pad of paper and found a large one that Joann would use.

I opened it up and saw at the top only two words. A title and an item - then nothing.

The Title: “Retirement” and under it “People” and under it the blank page.

This of course sums up one of the most sorrowful components of my life.

The idea that we were going to reconnect with so many people at my retirement. Here was the beginning of her thoughts - poignantly blank as a testimony to the unfulfilled dream.

And there it is.

Slapping my directly in the face. With all the intensity that it could muster.

And I collapsed into an emotional puddle.

After regaining my composure - I continued my steps to my next task of the immediate moment.

As I reflected on everything - I keep declaring that God’s love is not sad. Yet because I have lost my love reference in this world - I am now profoundly sad at a level that is without definition.

The point in my life where love was at its highest - that point where two people - struggling with the reality of the physical, the flesh and all the brokenness that is folded into our lives that we must content with - that point has now been shattered.

Now that I am left to operate on my own - I find that exercise overwhelming and exhausting.

And sad.

Sad for the loss. Sad for the reality I cannot yet grasp.

But I do see one thing - sadness and love do not go together.

And when sadness sweeps over me with the tsunami of emotional energy - I declare that “Love is not sad!!”.

In sorting out sadness and love - I know that the exercise will never be over.

Now in the state of grief - the loss is an ever-present reminder of the new reality. The hurtful reality. The empty reality - the sad reality.

But then I know that the love I shared with Joann was beyond anything of this world. Yes we had to live under the mess of life we all must contend with.

In the background though - was that assurance - that love - and we both knew where it came from. God put it there.

For now - my path will be to let love conquer the sadness. I have said this continually that I pray that my grief will be turned into strength.

The sadness will not relent. But neither will love. And I know from my past - that it was greater than anything that could come against it. Because the One from whom it is coming is greater than anything that can come against Him.

Sadness and love may be a part of my everyday but I know one thing - the greatest of them is love.

And will always be.

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