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16. How are you?

Updated: May 4, 2020


It is difficult to know.

Written Monday, October 7, 2019 / Day 56 / Morning


“How are You?” Is one of the most difficult questions for me to answer these days. In my world of grief the problem is - I just don’t know.


It is a world dominated by feelings and reactions.


I end up saying, “It’s day by day.” - something my dear sweet wife taught me through the way she dealt with her afflictions.


But in reality - I just don’t know how I am. Here is a catalog of the typical feelings that I have in my world of grief:


Empty - there is that vast hole, crater actually where part of my life used to be. That missing part has created a vast emptiness. It is not even like an empty room - more like a vacuum - there is nothing there at all.


Sad - the sadness comes from the loss. The reality is ever-present and so is the associated sadness. The solution is not like the song, “Put on a happy face, brush on a smile and cheer-up…”. Unfortunately we’re way past that being an option.


Getting by - I am grateful that in my world of grief - I am at least operating at some level. I get by each day with an obligation or other distraction - but that’s about it.


Neutral - right now I don’t have an opinion about anything. There’s nothing at all you could get me excited about in any way. I just don’t care at the moment. And you can’t make me.


Hopeful - it’s an odd one to be here but I have a distinct element of hope buried under the rubble that is now my life. I do see a day when this will be different. I totally cannot conceive of how the will happen - but that feeling is there. Once in a while I can hear it trying to call to me. It’s like the sound of a smoke alarm battery that is failing. This little reminder in the background.


Awkwardness - All of my life has halted. Actually the life I led died when my dear sweetie left me. Being alone for the first time in my life, along with trying to operate without her is constantly awkward at a level that takes my breath away. I like the analogy of all of your clothes being on backwards. You are dressed and all - but you feel completely out of your element. That’s about right for me at this point.


Then there is the condition that words cannot convey. I struggle with this and due to the emotional nature of grief - it is actually inexpressible. Wrap up all the feelings in this undefinable element and you have a picture of my life.


So the question “How are You?” is a difficult one to answer.


Things are constantly changing - and by that I don’t mean a nice linear progression forward - instead think of a game of billiards. There can be a lot of action - but no results. And what results you do get - are accomplished a very unordered pattern. Yes - that would explain one of my days.


There is a constant measuring process - an assessment I make in the background.


Recently I seem to have an element of stability. I have been facing several obligations due to breakdowns of machines and other tasks - perhaps that has diverted my attention.


Today in fact, I am meeting a friend for lunch so this day has had a particular order to it due to the obligation. Usually I do not have the energy to focus on my own without an external force involved.


So I’ll have to be ready with my answer.


We’ll see what it will be.

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