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16. Paper Cuts


Surprise!

Written Monday, November 4, 2019 / Day 84 / Afternoon


Handling paper does not seem that dangerous. Paper by its very nature seems to be a benign thing. It’s just sitting there. It’s light and certainly not difficult to hold.


That is until the paper contacts your hand at just the right - or rather - the wrong angle and you receive a paper cut.


A paper cut can be a most difficult injury. While certainly not as severe as an actual physical injury can be - the paper cut has the unique ability to be extremely painful in relation to the actual injury.


Some times - at first - you do not even know you have one. But then it comes - a piercing and infinitely painful reaction to this seemingly innocuous injury.


How can something so small inflict so much pain? So much discomfort?


In the world of grief I now live in, there are “paper cut” type injuries waiting to happen at a moments notice. Today I have had several.


One came when I was paying a bill. Actually it was our portion of the second EMS transport bill for the team that came on August 8th to take us to the hospital.


I was dutifully getting the check together when it struck. Painful, intense and overwhelming sadness struck.


I sobbed. I wept. I wondered what exactly hit me. And then I realized - I just received a “paper cut”.


In grief, there are so many situations waiting to attack you. They are unexpected since they are so hidden in the background. Once they surface - <bam> - there you go. Another victory for grief.


I called out to the room, “STOP! I will not allow this!”.


I have been wrestling with these past memories that pop up just to torment me. They serve no purpose, they do not add to any happy memory. They are only there to inflict injury - again.


And I will no longer allow that - once I catch them in the act.


It is extraordinary how they appear. These days, and this is by no means a definite thing, I seem to have the strength to temper the wave of grief that just would flow over the day and sweep me up. Moments where all I could do was to hold on until the storm would pass.


But in recent days, there has been a noticeable reduction in these episodes.


That helps at one level. I just miss her so. Even as I write this I have to watch myself because I could send myself down the chute of intense emotions that would not do anything but be sad and leave me depressed.


I can still be depressed without all the drama, thank you.


But those paper cuts. They can really get to you because they are lurking everywhere.


So I will remain vigilant.


And keep moving on.


Perhaps I should get a pair of gloves.

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