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17. Alone

3 min read


It is the loneliest number.

Written Monday, October 7, 2019 / Day 56 / Late Evening


As I flounder from day to day - I marvel at now being alone. When I think of it - this is the first time in my 68 years on earth that I am totally alone at home.


When we are growing up in our family - they are all around us - even if they are in another part of the house. It’s like having a cat - you may not see the cat - but you know its around somewhere. Being with the family is something like that - you may be by yourself for the moment but you are not totally by yourself.


Well now I am.


And I don’t like it one bit.


It’s a quandary for sure because how does that change? A new wife? Well let me look that up on Amazon! That’s unthinkable - there is no way to replace the deep companionship and connections I had with my dear sweetie.


The dialogs, the history we had - all that we had experienced together - good and bad - all that now gone.


God said in Genesis 2:18 - “It is not good for man to be alone…” - seems like we weren’t made to be totally alone - I see that pretty clearly. I do not want to be alone.


Although in our broken world - individualism is the rule - a trophy - a way of life. I realize that I never really appreciated how many people are living their lives by themselves. Not only in general but when I think of so many of the friends and acquaintances we have known in our lives. There really are a lot of people on their own.


Everyone makes the best of it. Reality demands it. But after tasting the life of sharing - it is quite distasteful to now be in this solitary place.


My background is that of an only child - but as I mentioned - the family was still there. Now I am an only child once more.


This is going to be difficult.


I looked back to our beginnings tonight as I was having an unanticipated breakdown as I was trying to get to bed.


That time 47 years ago I was helping my dear sweetie move into her new apartment. I have written in previous essays about the situation so I will not rewrite that information here. Only to say she was experiencing the most emotionally stressful and traumatic times of her life.


Unprecedented changes had been taking place in her life - and they were intense and unnerving at the deepest levels.


I had finished helping her move the last items into her new apartment. She was in a very weak and emotional state. I was overwhelmed with compassion for her situation. We did have plans and ideas for how we thought the next steps should be. But at this point - her fragile state touched me in a way nothing had ever touched me in my life before.


I told her that I could not leave her. I thought - I am going to go home and sit there while she is here in this most awful emotional state in this most overwhelming time in her life? I am seriously going to do that?


Perhaps I should have at one level. But this amazing new love that had been manifesting itself for her spoke to me and said no.


And do you know what it actually was saying? It just struck me tonight as I was in the depths of my grief for her loss now.


I told her I was not going to leave her - alone. Because that is what I would have done to her.


I would be leaving her to be alone at the absolute worst time of her life.


I could not accept that. So I told her I was not going to leave her. So I went home and told my parents the situation and came back to her.


And I never left her. Never left her alone. Never for 47 years.


The irony now is that I am alone.


So knowing God knows all things - I told Him this story.


And I asked Him for His help.


Help I know He will provide. How? I have no idea. But what I do know is that He will take care of me.


It’s not right for man to be alone.


I know He knows.


And I know He will help me.


In His time.

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