17. Calling

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Written Wednesday, November 6, 2019 / Day 86 / Morning

Of all the awful elements that are a part of the world of grief, there is one that is particularly difficult. There is no way around the task. It is just as inevitable as the moment that brought you into the world of grief.

Calling to report what happened.

For me, it is distasteful in so many ways.

One of the most distressing is having to talk about the most destructive, gut-wrenching and debilitating event in your life to a rather clerical person.

It’s not their fault, I know. They are just doing their job. But the job is rather sterile. Rather clerical. Rather procedural. And there you are trying to compose yourself as you tick through the data that relates to the situation.

Getting the courage to make the call is one thing. I am amused at myself that I thought I would be able to do this sooner. In my case, with my unique situation - doing this any earlier than today was just unthinkable.

So when the moment finally comes and you are resolved to take action - there is the next hurdle you have to face.

Making the actual call.

These days your call is received by an automated system. There you have to listen to the options and make your choice. Once there - the next obstacle presents itself.

Music on hold.

Here you must listen to some generic - often bouncy little pieces of music. Mine was a mix of bouncy music, followed by some stylized classical items most likely to try to keep you awake.

In my case, while on hold, I am in full anticipation mode. Awaiting the moment when I have to launch my dialog.

Oh good, a pause in the music, here we go. No, the music just shifted to another selection.

And there we sit. In a netherworld of pent-up emotions awaiting our moment to step out on the stage to state the reason we are calling.

That is the beginning of the difficulty.

Finally, a person, here we go.

“…I’d like…to report…a death…”.

Stinging words at one level, verbalization of the thought that you have been struggling with. There they go. They are out.

Then through the details of the call. What I need to do. What they are doing.

It all went well. I had not had to make too many of these calls - this was the first.

There is an additional call I will have to make. But I think that will be on tomorrows agenda.

For all we have to deal with in grief, the majority of it is in our heads. We struggle every day with whatever we are struggling with. At this stage of the timeline - the immediate conversations about the situation have long been over.

We are in the “How are you doing” portion of the program. That is a project in itself - to communicate that information.

But to have to call, that takes you back to ground zero.

When was the date of death - they ask.

And there you go - right back to it.

But not for long. I refuse to stay there if I’m forced to repeat the date. No I will not allow that to make me sad. There’s enough here in the present date to do that.

The only good thing is that I will not have to make too many more calls.

I want to leave that time and deal with where I am at the present time.

Just a few more calls and then I’ll be done.