17. Caring

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Written Sunday March 15, 2020 / Day 216 / Afternoon

One of the themes of my grief journey has been the fact that I do not really care about anything. I have been quite adamant about this perspective.

Just as I had fought any concept of the future - the idea that I could possibly care about anything at all was absurd.

I would routinely state, “I do not care about anything - and you can’t make me!.”

Seems like fighting words.

And they were.

My response to the devastation of losing everything that was everything to me. To shut down the future and the possibility that anything would matter to me - ever.

If it did not have my sweetie in it - that was nothing I would be interested in.

Period.

Done.

Now, having made peace with the future (Volume 7 - Essay #12 “Cease Fire”) I find there is another element to consider. And this element has everything to do with having a future.

The future would say, “I can now take you, but if you do not deal with your caring problem - once we arrive anywhere - what will it matter - since you do not care about anything.”.

Oh.

Right.

Seem like this lockdown on caring will have to end.

What sense does it make to continue this?

The darkness has been immobilized (Volume 7 - Essay #11 “One Week”) I have been strengthened by this incredible change of events.

The very idea that I can exist in some context without my dear sweetie is a miracle. It does not mean I love her any less. It does not mean that our lives together do not mean any less.

I have seen - and God has shown me - that the future He has for me is waiting. That He has my sweetie as I have always known He has.

And even though my current condition - call it my operational condition - is still a mess - there is hope.

The future now has something to work with. I have stepped out of its way so that this next part of the journey can begin.

We are on our way.

I always knew this day would come.

There just are not any words that can really describe it.

Here we go.

17. Caring

Written Sunday March 15, 2020 / Day 216 / Afternoon

One of the themes of my grief journey has been the fact that I do not really care about anything. I have been quite adamant about this perspective.

Just as I had fought any concept of the future - the idea that I could possibly care about anything at all was absurd.

I would routinely state, “I do not care about anything - and you can’t make me!.”

Seems like fighting words.

And they were.

My response to the devastation of losing everything that was everything to me. To shut down the future and the possibility that anything would matter to me - ever.

If it did not have my sweetie in it - that was nothing I would be interested in.

Period.

Done.

Now, having made peace with the future (Volume 7 - Essay #12 “Cease Fire”) I find there is another element to consider. And this element has everything to do with having a future.

The future would say, “I can now take you, but if you do not deal with your caring problem - once we arrive anywhere - what will it matter - since you do not care about anything.”.

Oh.

Right.

Seem like this lockdown on caring will have to end.

What sense does it make to continue this?

The darkness has been immobilized (Volume 7 - Essay #11 “One Week”) I have been strengthened by this incredible change of events.

The very idea that I can exist in some context without my dear sweetie is a miracle. It does not mean I love her any less. It does not mean that our lives together do not mean any less.

I have seen - and God has shown me - that the future He has for me is waiting. That He has my sweetie as I have always known He has.

And even though my current condition - call it my operational condition - is still a mess - there is hope.

The future now has something to work with. I have stepped out of its way so that this next part of the journey can begin.

We are on our way.

I always knew this day would come.

There just are not any words that can really describe it.

Here we go.

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