Written Tuesday, JuLY 7, 2020 / Day 330 / Mid-Day
There are always struggles in our lives. You almost don’t notice them until they become too much to handle. That was in my pre-grief days.
The day that my world ended - a new life began for me. One based on - at its core - struggle.
Contention was what I had for breakfast. My pattern of life forever altered. The earthly anchors I held on to - now removed. The meaning of all that I was - now faded into the background.
The ability to cope was the biggest struggle.
In the beginning there just was no ability.
To do anything.
To care about anything.
Anything at all.
When the struggle changed I do not remember - and that observation is coming from the highly structured analyst. The struggle changed or rather took on a different flavor at some point.
All of this struggle before the change had been awful in the worst way.
Now, from the vantage point of today - it is all somewhat of a blur. The essays written during those days being the only remnant of the awfulness that were my days.
If I were coaching someone on this situation, my advice would be that there is no advice. For you see - because this being an emotional struggle at its core - there is really nothing you can do to make it stop.
My only advice would be prayer. Because prayer is what I turned to.
I prayed. Prayed while I was witnessing what was before me - the most awful scenario I could witness. The scenario of me being without the one who was everything and having to somehow make sense of that.
I never did - nor have I been able to make sense of it to this day.
Like that storm front that is coming through the area - packing strong winds and hail and rain - your preparation options are few.
Go to the basement. Stay inside somewhere safe. And the best advice - the only advice that you can really offer is this:
Hold on.
Just hold on through the storm.
Despite what you see through the window - despite the sheets of rain, the intense and sustained winds - the ominous clouds - and all that you hear pounding upon your dwelling - just hold on.
The experience is daunting. The implications of the moment quite scary. But in the end an interesting thing happens:
The storm ends.
The clouds dissipate.
The sun comes out.
And so do you.
In this eleventh month of my journey - I look back to see many storms. Terrible storms. Awful moments. Impossible moments. Yet now as I look out I do see something interesting.
Strength.
It came in an interesting way - not because I asked for strength - although my prayer from the second week has been that God would turn all of the worst of grief - take that awfulness and turn it into strength so I could survive - no, this change came as the result of a declaration.
I had done this previously. Early on I gave grief a personality. I talked to it directly to put it in its place. I do not know if it actually ever did anything - but it made me feel good!
Recently I was realizing I was letting myself react to situations. Then the moment struck me and I came to a conclusion.
I am done with this.
I am not giving myself permission to get knocked out all of the time. Certainly sadness will appear - it will be a part of the future in whatever form that will take. But I do not have to accept sadness whenever it decides to come my way.
Sure, if some comes and I have to endure it - I will. But otherwise - I am done with this. No situation, no person will be allowed to reach me. They can try - and with as much strength that I - with God’s help - can muster - those attempts will be rejected.
And guess what happened?
There is now a peace surrounding me that is interesting. It just is. And it is wonderful.
I make this declaration quite often now. Part of my new plan to get out of the house every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and be somewhere at 7:30 am just to get out there. That has been a good exercise. These changes seem to have made a difference. A course change.
I am still far from capable - but I am decidedly less incapable than I have been.
The lessons from the struggle then, are endurance and tenacity.
Hold on and do not let go - and do not let yourself be attacked - and do not accept what those attacks attempt to inflict upon you.
These lessons have made all the difference for me.
The continued deliverance that I always knew was coming but never knew how it would arrive.
Until now.
Comments