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17. Number One


We can choose our number one.

Written Tuesday, December 10, 2019 / Day 120 / Morning


Grief is all consuming - overpowering. At the beginning of this journey it was irresistible.

When grief arrived everything stopped. It had to. All the energy in the room was absorbed in this massive moment where everything that had happened, everything that was and everything that was to be all collided in a tremendous flash point of emotions that there are not words to describe.


And that was on a good day.


The endlessness of this experience is quite humbling. There are no absolutes in grief. The only one is that grief is something that now must be dealt with for the rest of my life.


As the weeks and months rolled on it became clear who was in charge here. Grief. And of course griefs entourage of negative emotions. It is quite an army that comes to enter your new dark world.


When I returned from the Buffalo trip in October - there was a new level of anguish and relief. Both seemed to go together but the price for any relief was an astounding period of intensity that I dare not even mention since it was so off the charts.


That is one of the realities of grief and life as well. We declare something the best or worst. We do that all the time. “Well that was the best pizza I ever had!”. Now obviously you had not been keeping a diary of your pizza experiences so you could look it over and make that conclusive declaration. No what you were actually saying was that it was the best pizza you can remember ever having.


We do that with so many situations - both good and bad. The point here is that our declarations are subjective. Based on the moment - and most importantly - based on our feelings. What strikes us at the moment. And in those moments we declare superlatives that mark our experiences. Are they actually what we say they are? We think so.


Here is the reality - there are always better or worse situations and experiences ahead of us than we have declared in the present time.


I had my first job and it was a miracle that I found it. Perhaps that’s another essay at some point but suffice it to say that job lasted 5 years and was the basis for my career advancement. It was difficult at times and towards the end became terrible in all the ways a job can become that way. All the ways that make you look for a new one.


So as I began the next job I remember declaring, “Well this job will never be as bad as the last one was!”.


Wrong.


There are all kinds of bad.


And I found new types of bad I could have never anticipated in that next job.


The point here is that everything is a spectrum. Infinite in both directions. If you feel you have experienced the best and worst of anything - get ready for a news flash. There’s so much more waiting - on both ends.


As I continue this journey and see both the ever so slight changes in intensity in certain areas I am beginning to think about priorities.


Grief showed up and quite obviously became the number one priority in my life. My life was grief-centered. It is all I could think of because it occupied my entire spirit, my world and anything I could ever dream of connecting to. Grief was there to be the bouncer - the doorman of my life.


And it was a tough one.


I gave grief a persona. An identity. And then I proceeded to tell it off. To leave me alone and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.


That has in no way eliminated grief at all - but I am noticing a gradual diminishing of the intensity of the moments I am having. Don’t get me wrong here - they are still supremely awful. They are empty and hopeless and demoralizing. They are still there.


In the nebulous future that awaits me - one I do not desire, nor care about or embrace at the present time - I do see something different. This contrasting thought process is tiring at times. It is one of the themes running in the background of my life.


In that future I sense that my grief will still be there - but relegated to a secondary position. Perhaps one even less prominent than that. Like yesterday’s newspaper you have already read and has now become irrelevant because now it is outdated.


So will grief become to me.


My dear sweetie has nothing to do with grief. Grief is just an obnoxious football fan that is overcome with emotion for the game beyond their ability to see how infantile they have become. Grief has had its moment. There was a loss. Yes. A gigantic tectonic loss. A loss that cannot be comprehended. Yet that was yesterday’s news.


My sweetie may not be here right now - but I know she is waiting. She could not be in better hands. If you have read previous essays you know why that is. Grief is not her - grief was trying to be her.


But it is not.


It is just grief.


And its days are numbered.


Yes it will still be there - it is a part of my history now. But grief is not my life - even though grief wants me to think that way.


Yes I am saddened. Saddened beyond what I can endure at times. But you know what? I am enduring. God has me and always will. He has been by my side - think Psalm 23 here.


There is no God in grief. None of the fruits of His spirit are there. But He is with me. And those fruits while not around me - are within me.


Grief has been an extension of my situation - but it is not my life. It never was - it only made me think it was.


The love I still have for my dear sweetie is what I want my strength to be.


Because it has been my strength for 47 years. It is what allowed me to survive all that came against it - either externally or by my own silly human spirit - and it is still with me.


Because there was something greater than me in my life. Something where the love I had and still have for her has comes from.


The real number one in my life. The Shepherd who leads me in this valley I must travel through.


His love will make my path clear when the time comes.


I don’t have to worry about when or how. Just that it is.


The real number one in my life that has always been there.


And always will be.

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