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17. One Person

Written Sunday, February 9, 2020 / Day 181 / Afternoon

Last Friday was two weeks since I wrote “the letters” (Volume 6 - Essay #7 “Dear Stephen” and Essay #8 “Dear Joann”). I was in the process of transferring the essays over to their web site (essaysongrief.org) and as a part of that transfer - I must read each essay to insure the text is transferred correctly.

In completing that task I had to read this group of the most intense, profound and meaningful essays that have been written yet. Essays written on topics I would rather not relive. Essays that surprised me in their content. All of them taking me to a new altitude in this journey.

Dare I think this could continue at this pace?

I completed the exercise and read all of what had been written up to that point.

In all of this I have realized that I am being transformed into some thing new. A new person.

One person.

Ironically I had been one person - but this was a title I shared with another.

You see both of us were one person.

One in shared experiences - one in navigating life’s trials - one in a love that was beyond anything we could have ever imagined - one in a shared destiny led by the One who has made our future possible.

A relationship of learning to be One Person for 47 years.

That achievement, that reality was to end August 12, 2019.

That One Person relegated to eternity. To history. To yesterday.

Leaving in its midst a part of that One Person.

After sharing such a life there is little doubt that leaving that former state is nothing more than impossible.

In our own strength.

The fragments of that One Person falling amidst the brokenness of this world - this current age - this current reality.

Pieces of love. Fragments of caring. Shards of what was and would no longer be.

How does this go on?

The only answer is day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute.

Since January 12th - when the direction of everything took an imperceptible slant towards something else - something unknown - something out past the horizon - since that time the forces of grief have been in flux.

From this vantage point - as unknowable as always - yet leaving some dust of something else.

It remains to be seem what that is.

Other than it will be.

There is a renewed sense of the neutral. All of the usual soup of contention slowing simmering as it always does.

Slowly forming - ever slowly though - is that newness.

It is as painful as it is eventual.

It is coming.

Shadows of a loving past now being displaced by the shadow of something else.

Something not wanted nor desired. Something that can wait - but won’t.

On that horizon - farther than can be seen at the moment - is something.

It is what will be.

That future - that newness - that inevitable moment.

When the future will overtake the wreckage of that One Person that will no longer be - and embrace it with what God is creating.

Creating in that new unwanted reality - that One Person who will go on to live in it.

17. One Person

Written Sunday, February 9, 2020 / Day 181 / Afternoon

In completing that task I had to read this group of the most intense, profound and meaningful essays that have been written yet. Essays written on topics I would rather not relive. Essays that surprised me in their content. All of them taking me to a new altitude in this journey.

Dare I think this could continue at this pace?

I completed the exercise and read all of what had been written up to that point.

In all of this I have realized that I am being transformed into some thing new. A new person.

One person.

Ironically I had been one person - but this was a title I shared with another.

You see both of us were one person.

One in shared experiences - one in navigating life’s trials - one in a love that was beyond anything we could have ever imagined - one in a shared destiny led by the One who has made our future possible.

A relationship of learning to be One Person for 47 years.

That achievement, that reality was to end August 12, 2019.

That One Person relegated to eternity. To history. To yesterday.

Leaving in its midst a part of that One Person.

After sharing such a life there is little doubt that leaving that former state is nothing more than impossible.

In our own strength.

The fragments of that One Person falling amidst the brokenness of this world - this current age - this current reality.

Pieces of love. Fragments of caring. Shards of what was and would no longer be.

How does this go on?

The only answer is day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute.

Since January 12th - when the direction of everything took an imperceptible slant towards something else - something unknown - something out past the horizon - since that time the forces of grief have been in flux.

From this vantage point - as unknowable as always - yet leaving some dust of something else.

It remains to be seem what that is.

Other than it will be.

There is a renewed sense of the neutral. All of the usual soup of contention slowing simmering as it always does.

Slowly forming - ever slowly though - is that newness.

It is as painful as it is eventual.

It is coming.

Shadows of a loving past now being displaced by the shadow of something else.

Something not wanted nor desired. Something that can wait - but won’t.

On that horizon - farther than can be seen at the moment - is something.

It is what will be.

That future - that newness - that inevitable moment.

When the future will overtake the wreckage of that One Person that will no longer be - and embrace it with what God is creating.

Creating in that new unwanted reality - that One Person who will go on to live in it.

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