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17. Party of One

Written Friday, January 10, 2020 / Day 151 / Evening

When I use to travel for business I always enjoyed flying to new places. It was interesting to arrive at new locations, airports and hotels. For some reason these excursions were stimulating to me. There was only one problem - I had to take these trips alone.

Once in a great while there might be others in the staff that had to travel with me. We might have been attending training classes or on company business. On those trips it was a bit more enjoyable in that there were others along sharing the adventure.

When I did travel alone though - there was one element of those trips that I dreaded - one of the most distasteful - that element was eating alone.

“Table for one….” Would be the worst thing I could hear.

Back in those days before there were electronic distractions that would make us appear that we were being occupied - I actually used to take books with me.

It was an art to take just the right book to be my companion when I would be dining.

Just big enough to fit comfortably with me at the table. Just flexible enough to allow the book to open comfortably. Just readable enough to keep me occupied throughout those awkward moments alone.

It took a good amount of coordination to be able to eat while reading the book - or even a magazine if I was daring - while the meal was progressing.

Now I find that eating alone is somewhat distasteful even at home.

It is one of those new aspects of the state of grief I find absolutely unacceptable.

Yet one that I must face.

Of course at home, television is the main distraction.

My sweetie and I would eat with a few programs that we enjoyed together as a third companion during our meals. We would comment on the show when it made sense - but generally we were contented to have that shared distraction when we wanted it.

Now it is part of the long list of things that used to be that are no longer.

Part of the things that haunt rather than help.

Actually I am finding that I can now not watch any of those programs that we used to watch together while eating. Something about those shows is uncomfortable - unsettling. So they have also been put aside. Relics of the past life that is no more.

Replaced by new programs that are solely mine, Shows that have little or no connection to the me of the past.

That past I long to restart - that past that is now forever gone.

Eating out alone now - is strictly not possible. Early on I did it several times. I believe the shock I was in allowed that to happen. Now I can not stomach the idea of being alone in a restaurant by myself. It just is not possible. Perhaps it will never be. That is one of the elements of the past that was the same. Unless forced to for business reasons - it just did not happen.

One of my last trips to Ohio for business - I picked up items and ate in the room. It was a prelude to this current time when being alone would be the new reality.

It brings up the idea of being alone which I have written about previously.

Only now - that idea is still quite prominent in my mind. The idea that it is undesirable and distasteful.

I marvel at how many people are alone like it is a normal thing. For me - being new to the alone circle - I just can’t make it make sense.

Certainly I am stuck with it for the moment. But I just cannot accept the idea.

Much the same battle I am having with grief.

Of course grief will win the overall battle. For now it has the upper hand. I am alone and that is just that.

But accepting that reality? Well I will go - but kicking and screaming.

It just bothers me.

And it will continue to.

Being a party of one - is just no party at all.

17. Party of One

Written Friday, January 10, 2020 / Day 151 / Evening

When I use to travel for business I always enjoyed flying to new places. It was interesting to arrive at new locations, airports and hotels. For some reason these excursions were stimulating to me. There was only one problem - I had to take these trips alone.

Once in a great while there might be others in the staff that had to travel with me. We might have been attending training classes or on company business. On those trips it was a bit more enjoyable in that there were others along sharing the adventure.

When I did travel alone though - there was one element of those trips that I dreaded - one of the most distasteful - that element was eating alone.

“Table for one….” Would be the worst thing I could hear.

Back in those days before there were electronic distractions that would make us appear that we were being occupied - I actually used to take books with me.

It was an art to take just the right book to be my companion when I would be dining.

Just big enough to fit comfortably with me at the table. Just flexible enough to allow the book to open comfortably. Just readable enough to keep me occupied throughout those awkward moments alone.

It took a good amount of coordination to be able to eat while reading the book - or even a magazine if I was daring - while the meal was progressing.

Now I find that eating alone is somewhat distasteful even at home.

It is one of those new aspects of the state of grief I find absolutely unacceptable.

Yet one that I must face.

Of course at home, television is the main distraction.

My sweetie and I would eat with a few programs that we enjoyed together as a third companion during our meals. We would comment on the show when it made sense - but generally we were contented to have that shared distraction when we wanted it.

Now it is part of the long list of things that used to be that are no longer.

Part of the things that haunt rather than help.

Actually I am finding that I can now not watch any of those programs that we used to watch together while eating. Something about those shows is uncomfortable - unsettling. So they have also been put aside. Relics of the past life that is no more.

Replaced by new programs that are solely mine, Shows that have little or no connection to the me of the past.

That past I long to restart - that past that is now forever gone.

One of my last trips to Ohio for business - I picked up items and ate in the room. It was a prelude to this current time when being alone would be the new reality.

It brings up the idea of being alone which I have written about previously.

Only now - that idea is still quite prominent in my mind. The idea that it is undesirable and distasteful.

I marvel at how many people are alone like it is a normal thing. For me - being new to the alone circle - I just can’t make it make sense.

Certainly I am stuck with it for the moment. But I just cannot accept the idea.

Much the same battle I am having with grief.

Of course grief will win the overall battle. For now it has the upper hand. I am alone and that is just that.

But accepting that reality? Well I will go - but kicking and screaming.

It just bothers me.

And it will continue to.

Being a party of one - is just no party at all.

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