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17. Thoughts and Prayers

Written Tuesday, September 3, 2019 / Day 22 / Early Morning

There's no doubt that my life will never be more awkward as it is today. It's upside down with new powerful emotions I cannot not always control.

These emotions bring deep distress. My life has a hole in it bigger than the grand canyon and my current state of nothingness is strange in its own unprecedented way.

So how in the world do you approach someone in this kind of place? How do you reach out and connect to me?

With "thoughts and prayers" of course.

Prior to my current world of grief I was on the "Other side" of death, loss and separation at this level. I would be touched by the news of a loss and like most, wanted to reach out.

Since we are all so lost about these topics - all of us struggle as to how to do that. None of us understand what we are all going through yet within that context we try our best to do something. To reach out some way.

We really want to "do" something for the person. Food, chores, etc. we see those tasks as something that can be done.

I remember at the reception somehow having the presence of mind to help those visiting me to feel a sense of doing something beyond the trite "paying respects" to the grieving family.

I told everyone I could that the very act of coming, comforting me and talking about my dear sweetie WAS something. It meant (and still does) mean a lot! I appreciated it because it represented an action of love beyond just the popping in, punching your timecard and exiting gracefully from the event. Which of course in the past, we have all done.

Beyond that there is the act of sending a card of sympathy.

My wife and I would choose one of appropriate impact (to us) where the message seemed to be a comforting one and made us feel it would be a meaningful expression beyond the normal stereotypical boilerplate cards.

But then to write a little something in the card presented a bit of a problem.

What can be said?

Depending upon how well you know the person - that may not be a problem at all - and good - heartfelt expressions are sorely welcomed at this time. Believe me - that is truly the case - they are like a smoothing ointment.

But in general this is the time to define what would be the best things to say when you don't know what to say. Because for all the uniqueness as to how we all grieve - there are universal standards that can be applied here.

We don't feel we know the “right way” to approach the person or fear we might upset them.

I'm here to tell you how to approach us. All of us. None of these expressions will ever be inappropriate!

Remember that the person is grieving. We are often afraid we might upset the person if we say the "wrong thing".

Well let me tell you - I'm already way past upset. I've blasted on past upset and am now living in a world where I am in an emotional shooting gallery where grief and his friends emptiness, despair and loneliness take shots at me all the time. So don't worry about upsetting the cart. The cart is upset.

Actually I can't even find the cart.

Saying that you are shocked by the news, upset about the situation is never a bad thing to say. Here you are taking a step into my world. A world I really don't want you to ever understand or experience. So taking that step is brave on your part.

This is like a small hug of acknowledgement - those help.

Acknowledging that you don't know what to say is also appropriate. Don't worry that I will mark you off for not knowing what to say - sometimes I can only sob at times and not know what to say to even myself.

If the situation is one where you knew the person - a reference to that person and how they touched you would be very appropriate.

But if it is a co-worker, someone who might not have known the family member directly, acknowledging the loss by saying how special the person was is also good.

Before you write the "if you need anything" comment, let me tell you what you should actually write if you truly want to "do something".

"If you need anything" is a sincere expression of wanting to do something for the person you long to comfort in some way. But it is so open ended that it is too vast and general to be anything specific. And that causes us to not actually ask because of its generality. It's almost a comment you might use if you really don't know what to do and yet want to appear available. Sort of like "let's do lunch sometime" but never really getting your calendar out to make a specific date.

Take the initiative and here are several areas you can use depending upon how you would like to act:

"I want to take you out to lunch sometime." Put the response on the person, "let me know whenever you would like to meet" so they can choose the time. Now into my 4th week - in my case I have some days where I'd rather do nothing - but have scheduled a few lunches with friends. It may take time - but knowing you are actually willing to meet goes a long way and keeps the person from being a bit reluctant to call your "If I can do anything" generality with something specific - sometimes it's difficult to ask.

"Perhaps we can meet for coffee sometime?". I'll leave it up to you to tell me when. This is also a great approach. Believe me - it is comforting knowing you can call someone for a specific thing.

"If you need help with anything around the house let me know. I'd love to help". The person may or may not need this level of help - but if you are inclined to offer it - the offer will be appreciated.

"I plan on dropping off a meal for you - please call me to let me know what you'd like". Showing up with stroganoff when the person just likes grilled cheese can be a problem you'll never know about. They may take the stroganoff, feed it to the cat and thank you for your generosity. Having the person tell you what they might like is a nice touch.

And let's not forget the intent behind the "thoughts and prayers" comment.

I have used it. When I have I used it - I felt I was legitimately expressing my feelings. Sometimes I don't know if the person is religious or not - so "thoughts and prayers" is the handy and convenient way to cover your bases.

"Thoughts" covers the non-religious. Sending thoughts is sort of like wishing, or hoping. What is that really anyway? Seems like something you say to sound like you are saying something when you really are not saying anything at all. It works for some.

"Prayers" however are another thing.

If you have read these essays you are aware that my wife and I strongly believe in God. And in the past I may have shied away from mentioning God apart from the innocuous "thoughts and prayers" comment.

Even before I was in this current state, we would mention God to everyone we sent a card to - whether we knew they were religious or not.

And even if you do not know God and His Son as of yet, mentioning that you pray God will comfort the person and give them peace is totally appropriate.

If they don't have God in their life - at this time they certainly do need Him. There is more to this life than this life. Don't be afraid to mention God - it may be a catalyst for both you and the person you are writing to. That's the way He works.

One of the last scriptures I read to my wife in the hospital was Romans chapter 8 verses 18 to 23. It says so much about what is relevant to me now - and may be helpful to someone who sees God as a problem or even the cause of their current despair.

As you reach out to the grieving - be sincere in your communications. Don't rely on the standard - reach out to the person no matter how closely you know them or not. There are no wrong answers. We are already profoundly upset. Believe me you can't upset us any more than we already are.

Your sincere words WILL touch the person.

And in the end - that is what we all should be trying to do.

17. Thoughts and Prayers

Written Tuesday, September 3, 2019 / Day 22 / Early Morning

There's no doubt that my life will never be more awkward as it is today. It's upside down with new powerful emotions I cannot not always control.

These emotions bring deep distress. My life has a hole in it bigger than the grand canyon and my current state of nothingness is strange in its own unprecedented way.

So how in the world do you approach someone in this kind of place? How do you reach out and connect to me?

With "thoughts and prayers" of course.

Prior to my current world of grief I was on the "Other side" of death, loss and separation at this level. I would be touched by the news of a loss and like most, wanted to reach out.

Since we are all so lost about these topics - all of us struggle as to how to do that. None of us understand what we are all going through yet within that context we try our best to do something. To reach out some way.

We really want to "do" something for the person. Food, chores, etc. we see those tasks as something that can be done.

I remember at the reception somehow having the presence of mind to help those visiting me to feel a sense of doing something beyond the trite "paying respects" to the grieving family.

Beyond that there is the act of sending a card of sympathy.

My wife and I would choose one of appropriate impact (to us) where the message seemed to be a comforting one and made us feel it would be a meaningful expression beyond the normal stereotypical boilerplate cards.

But then to write a little something in the card presented a bit of a problem.

What can be said?

Depending upon how well you know the person - that may not be a problem at all - and good - heartfelt expressions are sorely welcomed at this time. Believe me - that is truly the case - they are like a smoothing ointment.

But in general this is the time to define what would be the best things to say when you don't know what to say. Because for all the uniqueness as to how we all grieve - there are universal standards that can be applied here.

We don't feel we know the “right way” to approach the person or fear we might upset them.

I'm here to tell you how to approach us. All of us. None of these expressions will ever be inappropriate!

Remember that the person is grieving. We are often afraid we might upset the person if we say the "wrong thing".

Actually I can't even find the cart.

Saying that you are shocked by the news, upset about the situation is never a bad thing to say. Here you are taking a step into my world. A world I really don't want you to ever understand or experience. So taking that step is brave on your part.

This is like a small hug of acknowledgement - those help.

Acknowledging that you don't know what to say is also appropriate. Don't worry that I will mark you off for not knowing what to say - sometimes I can only sob at times and not know what to say to even myself.

If the situation is one where you knew the person - a reference to that person and how they touched you would be very appropriate.

But if it is a co-worker, someone who might not have known the family member directly, acknowledging the loss by saying how special the person was is also good.

Before you write the "if you need anything" comment, let me tell you what you should actually write if you truly want to "do something".

Take the initiative and here are several areas you can use depending upon how you would like to act:

"Perhaps we can meet for coffee sometime?". I'll leave it up to you to tell me when. This is also a great approach. Believe me - it is comforting knowing you can call someone for a specific thing.

"If you need help with anything around the house let me know. I'd love to help". The person may or may not need this level of help - but if you are inclined to offer it - the offer will be appreciated.

And let's not forget the intent behind the "thoughts and prayers" comment.

I have used it. When I have I used it - I felt I was legitimately expressing my feelings. Sometimes I don't know if the person is religious or not - so "thoughts and prayers" is the handy and convenient way to cover your bases.

"Thoughts" covers the non-religious. Sending thoughts is sort of like wishing, or hoping. What is that really anyway? Seems like something you say to sound like you are saying something when you really are not saying anything at all. It works for some.

"Prayers" however are another thing.

If you have read these essays you are aware that my wife and I strongly believe in God. And in the past I may have shied away from mentioning God apart from the innocuous "thoughts and prayers" comment.

Even before I was in this current state, we would mention God to everyone we sent a card to - whether we knew they were religious or not.

And even if you do not know God and His Son as of yet, mentioning that you pray God will comfort the person and give them peace is totally appropriate.

If they don't have God in their life - at this time they certainly do need Him. There is more to this life than this life. Don't be afraid to mention God - it may be a catalyst for both you and the person you are writing to. That's the way He works.

One of the last scriptures I read to my wife in the hospital was Romans chapter 8 verses 18 to 23. It says so much about what is relevant to me now - and may be helpful to someone who sees God as a problem or even the cause of their current despair.

As you reach out to the grieving - be sincere in your communications. Don't rely on the standard - reach out to the person no matter how closely you know them or not. There are no wrong answers. We are already profoundly upset. Believe me you can't upset us any more than we already are.

Your sincere words WILL touch the person.

And in the end - that is what we all should be trying to do.

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