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18. Conversations


Not the ones you think.

Written Thursday, November 7, 2019 / Day 87 / Morning


In the struggle to live with grief, one of the most difficult aspects to face is the loss of conversations.


Like so many things we become used to in our struggle, the absence of conversations is one of the most difficult to face.


The conversations with our loved one are now over. Because of technology, there are fragments of past conversations that can be relived. I have stumbled on a few and have not had the strength to really listen to any of them. There is an element of pain there right now that is too powerful to face. So I don’t.


Our conversations changed over the years as we did. Living life and all that it means generates so many of them. They are just like the air, the sun, we just expect them to be there. And they are.


Until they are not.


In my case, sometimes our conversations were not all that involved. I know my sweetie was dealing with things she did not want to share with me. I wish I could have encouraged her to do that - but I know she didn’t want to make me upset. She was like that - and since I am very sensitive to re-living what has been lived and not wanting to re-experience any of the worst of those times - I stay safely away from all of that.


Our world is deceived as far as conversations go. Everyone thinks they are having them - but they are not. At least not in the way they should be having them.


In Richmond, Virginia there is a historic hotel - The Jefferson. It has been restored several times in its long history. When we first arrived 32 years ago - it was one of those attractions that had to be seen.


Beyond its grandeur and elegance there was something that struck me about the hotel. Everywhere it seems, there were chairs. Couches and groups of chairs were located almost everywhere. It was hard to not run into one as we toured the facility.


Why were there so many chairs? They were there because people back in the day actually spent time - lots of time, having conversations. And when they met at the hotel, that is what they did. There were not a lot of distractions as there are these days. Conversations and interacting with others was a normal and regular part of life.


Today, people think they are communicating - but they are not.


The computer systems that make us think we are having conversations are only a shadow of what real conversations are. Snippets of words and symbols do not communicate all that much. There is no depth to our conversations. Is it any wonder people do not feel fulfilled?


In a sense - we do not really know anyone that deeply. Oh we may know their sports team, favorite restaurant or latest observations on our upside-down world - but what are they really like? What are there goals? Frustrations? Dreams? There is no time today to share those deeper thoughts. No time to share ourselves.


So the loss of conversation is quite profound everywhere.


Grief then introduces new barriers to conversation.


Those of us in grief are actually not that interesting to those in the non-grief world. The thought that we might become upset prevents a lot of conversation - I know because that is how I used to feel.


Me in my pre-grief world with all of it’s activity and life - how could I stop to be awkward with the person who had suffered the awful event that changed their life? What could I offer?


How could I not make it worse? So I did nothing - or very little.


Now I see how I could not have seen. So I don’t blame anyone for not reaching out all that much. I understand. I really do.


It doesn’t make the lack of conversation any less disgusting as it is at the present.


So I do try to reach out when I can. It is surprising that often I just don’t have the energy to do that. Other times, I really do not want to talk either. So there is a lot going on here.


When I ever surface from this awful place - I hope I can have a different attitude. I hope I could encourage others to do the same. Perhaps from what I have been suffering I can shed some light. Perhaps make a difference.


Perhaps, start a conversation.

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