18. Identity

5 min read

Written Tuesday, October 8, 2019 / Day 57 / Morning

Along with the confusion of being in the state of grief there is a profound sense of not knowing who you are.

Relationships change us over time. The best ones will change us for the better. We know what happens with the defective ones. The mechanics of that are the same in both cases. We are molded by our relationships and in a greater sense our environment.

To me values really matter. I am reminded of a consulting assignment I had in IT many years ago. The company was being sold by its larger parent to a smaller niche company who had hired a group of oriental staff to run the IT functions.

As we started to work with the group we encountered a curious mindset. Everything that we tried to do to help was viewed as a threat. 99% of our encounters were confrontational - even when the topics were just structural or information-based.

It was quite disarming. They seemed to want to achieve understanding the systems without our knowledge even though that was not possible without our knowledge. We wanted to help - but we were consistently faced with battles, conflicts and distrust.

So when my consulting contract was coming to an end another curious thing happened. We were offered to continue to support the spun-off company’s IT along with this outsourced foreign IT staff.

I had to talk to the head of their group. In consulting one of the main rules is to get along with the client - even if they are (in your view) weird or difficult to work with. Mainly because the contract is a short time frame and the problems will end when the contract completes its term.

So I went in to speak to the manager - I did not follow any of my consulting rules of engagement. I really told him off. I said I could not work with them. I said I didn’t believe in how they approached tasks and our objectives, how they were always fighting us and that I could never in my heart continue such a relationship under those conditions. Our values apparently clash and I refuse to continue the relationship on any terms.

I was shaking when I left because I had never told the client off like that - ever. Just telling him off went against the values I had - and ironically the conflict was about working values.

As I returned to my consulting company’s office that night one of the managers came out and was scratching his head, “What did you tell [the person’s name]?”. I proceeded to tell him what I did. His reply, “Well I don’t know what you told him - but he wants you for another three months!”.

Amazing - what sense does that make? Apparently my heartfelt, raw emotions impressed the manager - even though what I was saying was that I could not work for him.

Values are respected.

You have values, whatever yours are - because they are a part of your very being.

In grief I am finding - those values are being attacked consistently. Because you are the sum total of all of your values and relationships.

In my world - at the core of values is my dear sweetie. She is wrapped around my very thought process. What I do on a daily basis has her signature on every task. The things that need to be done have her connected with them. The plans for the future are based on our shared dreams and plans.

So to have that part of my very being taken away - is totally devastating.

My struggles now are to navigate this new life I don’t want right at the moment with new values. Values that I also do not want because in those new values there will be a missing element. The most important element of all.

Her.

The repercussions of loss - the biggest one I can gather at this point - is the total transformation of your values - the values that were part of your shared relationship.

Depending upon how deep that relationship was - the impact is immense.

I think of dog owners - and how close they become to their pets. How could they not - they are in constant contact. Dogs are designed to connect to their surroundings and make them theirs - and as the owner who feeds and cares for them finds - that bond only intensifies. Plus the dog is always accepting - even when it is mistreated - in human terms we would call that unconditional love. How can we not bond with that?

So it is not surprising that the death of a dog is extremely traumatic. How could it not be? The dog was a very part of you - part of your values - an intimate relationship.

In human terms then - the closer, deeper and more involved our relationship and values are to the one we have lost - is the primary reason we are so profoundly disoriented and confused.

We can not - I can not - process life right now because life happens with her at every level.

And yet I am to progress. The unseen cultural perspective is to “move on”, “get over it”, etc.

To those on the outer rings of grief - they just see a broken situation that will repair itself at some point so the person will be functioning just like they are.

They do not feel the loss as intensely. They do not have the problem of “moving on”. They have “moved on” in their lives - they went back to their life and values.

We cannot because all the parts of our lives are no longer there.

I will help them as I can - instruct them as they interact with me - explain the world of grief as I am led to do that.

But for us - we will continue to struggle.

It reminds me of the home improvement show where a Realtor is trying to pitch a home where there are obvious flaws that they are trying to minimize. Their comment usually is, “Oh, that’s an easy fix!.”

Well on HGTV that might be true - as well as to those casual observers of our grief - but to those of us here living with grief - that is simply not the case. It is not an easy fix in any sense of the word.

Although those outside might want us to acknowledge that new things will have to happen in our lives at some point - for us we just don’t want them right now.

We do not want to appear difficult - like we do not want to leave this state we are in. But in the big picture - the loss will always be with us and because of that we will always struggle at some level.

Struggle with those values of the past - as they meet the new values of the future.

This is not something you can orchestrate, direct or influence directly. You have to live from todays values to tomorrows values.

It is a difficult trip - actually I hope some day that it will only be difficult instead of impossible as it seems today.

I am confident that the situation will change even though I then make the counter-intuitive statement that I do not want anything to change.

18. Identity

Written Tuesday, October 8, 2019 / Day 57 / Morning

Along with the confusion of being in the state of grief there is a profound sense of not knowing who you are.

Relationships change us over time. The best ones will change us for the better. We know what happens with the defective ones. The mechanics of that are the same in both cases. We are molded by our relationships and in a greater sense our environment.

To me values really matter. I am reminded of a consulting assignment I had in IT many years ago. The company was being sold by its larger parent to a smaller niche company who had hired a group of oriental staff to run the IT functions.

As we started to work with the group we encountered a curious mindset. Everything that we tried to do to help was viewed as a threat. 99% of our encounters were confrontational - even when the topics were just structural or information-based.

It was quite disarming. They seemed to want to achieve understanding the systems without our knowledge even though that was not possible without our knowledge. We wanted to help - but we were consistently faced with battles, conflicts and distrust.

So when my consulting contract was coming to an end another curious thing happened. We were offered to continue to support the spun-off company’s IT along with this outsourced foreign IT staff.

I had to talk to the head of their group. In consulting one of the main rules is to get along with the client - even if they are (in your view) weird or difficult to work with. Mainly because the contract is a short time frame and the problems will end when the contract completes its term.

I was shaking when I left because I had never told the client off like that - ever. Just telling him off went against the values I had - and ironically the conflict was about working values.

Amazing - what sense does that make? Apparently my heartfelt, raw emotions impressed the manager - even though what I was saying was that I could not work for him.

Values are respected.

You have values, whatever yours are - because they are a part of your very being.

In grief I am finding - those values are being attacked consistently. Because you are the sum total of all of your values and relationships.

In my world - at the core of values is my dear sweetie. She is wrapped around my very thought process. What I do on a daily basis has her signature on every task. The things that need to be done have her connected with them. The plans for the future are based on our shared dreams and plans.

So to have that part of my very being taken away - is totally devastating.

My struggles now are to navigate this new life I don’t want right at the moment with new values. Values that I also do not want because in those new values there will be a missing element. The most important element of all.

Her.

The repercussions of loss - the biggest one I can gather at this point - is the total transformation of your values - the values that were part of your shared relationship.

Depending upon how deep that relationship was - the impact is immense.

So it is not surprising that the death of a dog is extremely traumatic. How could it not be? The dog was a very part of you - part of your values - an intimate relationship.

In human terms then - the closer, deeper and more involved our relationship and values are to the one we have lost - is the primary reason we are so profoundly disoriented and confused.

We can not - I can not - process life right now because life happens with her at every level.

And yet I am to progress. The unseen cultural perspective is to “move on”, “get over it”, etc.

To those on the outer rings of grief - they just see a broken situation that will repair itself at some point so the person will be functioning just like they are.

They do not feel the loss as intensely. They do not have the problem of “moving on”. They have “moved on” in their lives - they went back to their life and values.

We cannot because all the parts of our lives are no longer there.

I will help them as I can - instruct them as they interact with me - explain the world of grief as I am led to do that.

But for us - we will continue to struggle.

It reminds me of the home improvement show where a Realtor is trying to pitch a home where there are obvious flaws that they are trying to minimize. Their comment usually is, “Oh, that’s an easy fix!.”

Well on HGTV that might be true - as well as to those casual observers of our grief - but to those of us here living with grief - that is simply not the case. It is not an easy fix in any sense of the word.

Although those outside might want us to acknowledge that new things will have to happen in our lives at some point - for us we just don’t want them right now.

We do not want to appear difficult - like we do not want to leave this state we are in. But in the big picture - the loss will always be with us and because of that we will always struggle at some level.

Struggle with those values of the past - as they meet the new values of the future.

This is not something you can orchestrate, direct or influence directly. You have to live from todays values to tomorrows values.

It is a difficult trip - actually I hope some day that it will only be difficult instead of impossible as it seems today.

I am confident that the situation will change even though I then make the counter-intuitive statement that I do not want anything to change.

But it will.

It just takes time.

And love.

Don’t try to help us, teach us or help us “move on”.

Just love us. Hug us. Cry with us.

Then your values will help us as we contend with the struggle we now face.

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