18. Lessons of the Essays

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This is a moment that I could never have anticipated. In fact, it is a moment that I kept thinking had arrived. But every time I did - that moment was not the moment I thought it was.

This one apparently is.

How do I know?

Because the frequency of the essays arriving has decreased. And while the frequency has diminished - the impact of what is written has not. The last two have been essays that I am having a problem reading out-loud because they touch my very soul.

Verbalizing the essays has been quite a tool in attempting to reconcile the unreconcilable. In reading them out-loud, I often run into a brick wall of emotion that I was not aware existed. I would then work on reading the essay until I could complete it without an issue.

That seems to be a part of my journey. So to still have essays that stop me in my tracks tells me - that part of the journey will continue.

And while that part of the journey will continue - writing about the journey will not.

This being the twelfth month signals the end of a cycle. Certainly the first year - but more importantly the end of the need to be expressing the aspects of the life that have been a part of that cycle.

I never have written these essays on purpose. They have come on their own - in a way - not something I have planned but rather moments that have built up that needed to be expressed. Those moments that have been captured and could never be recreated since those moments are now history.

In writing the essays I have written my life. More of a diary of sorts - each essay has reflected several things.

First is the indescribable pain of the moment. Attempts to put into words what can really not be put into words. We struggle to label those situations - those moments, often scraping together some semblance of a story about what is at its core that indescribable reality.

Next they have been observations of the journey. Realizations about what has taken place. A third-person look at a first-person experience. Lessons along the way in reality. Some of them emerging as studies of the absurdity of what has taken place. Others, lessons hidden amidst the anguish. Still others expositions of topics that are even educational since they are originating at the very scene of where the lessons have been learned.

And then there are the most precious essays. The ones that have arrived throughout the journey. The essays of the special relationship I had with the most extraordinary person I could have ever been blessed to be with. They talk about our love, our relationship - how it started and how it took shape not only during our pre-grief lives - but during the lives we lived and had to face together which brought us to this place.

Few will perhaps ever read the essays as they occurred. That would take someone driven with a desire that would be as powerful as the forces that were instrumental in their creation.

Many essays have been organized into topical threads. Each thread addressing a particular topic the essay was conveying. There are insights into the journey. There are essays expressing and examining grief directly. There are essays that specifically mention God’s role in my journey. And then there are the most precious ones - those that relate to my dear Joann.

As the essays come to their logical conclusion - I reflect on how much they have been a part of my life. In a way I will miss their comfort. Because even though their stories are often so difficult - writing about that difficulty brought with it a comfort that is equally as difficult to explain.

Establishing the web site for them in December, 2019, was a fitting tribute. A body of knowledge now available to anyone led and inspired to experience the journey in whatever way is necessary for them.

As a person who analyzes and summarizes - I am reluctant to do that in this situation. I will let the enterprise that is completing make it’s own statements. Statements to whomever God leads to share this more terrible of times a person could live through.

And for you - someone who is at least reading this final essay - my prayer is that you are blessed because of your visit. That you may be blessed by what you choose to explore here - what you are led to and what your broken heart needs to hear to help it on its journey.

There is no way to address the intangible in the state of grief. It is an emotional battle of the highest magnitude. A battle that we have already won because of the One who has made it possible to partake in salvation from this broken place.

The lessons I take away from these essays - as I close the symbolic page on this volume and the essays as a group are many. Perhaps too many to really express fully because each one - each essay - on its own has been a lesson.

A lesson of dealing with the pain. Lessons of what has been lived. Lessons from a relationship that is beyond description.

For your journey the lessons you learn - and if I am blessed that you may receive any from what you read here - will be those God is directing you to learn.

My privilege of sharing my lessons with you - will be one of the greatest gifts of my new life.

A gift I and God have freely given to you.

Be blessed by them.

18. Lessons of the Essays

This is a moment that I could never have anticipated. In fact, it is a moment that I kept thinking had arrived. But every time I did - that moment was not the moment I thought it was.

This one apparently is.

How do I know?

Because the frequency of the essays arriving has decreased. And while the frequency has diminished - the impact of what is written has not. The last two have been essays that I am having a problem reading out-loud because they touch my very soul.

Verbalizing the essays has been quite a tool in attempting to reconcile the unreconcilable. In reading them out-loud, I often run into a brick wall of emotion that I was not aware existed. I would then work on reading the essay until I could complete it without an issue.

That seems to be a part of my journey. So to still have essays that stop me in my tracks tells me - that part of the journey will continue.

And while that part of the journey will continue - writing about the journey will not.

This being the twelfth month signals the end of a cycle. Certainly the first year - but more importantly the end of the need to be expressing the aspects of the life that have been a part of that cycle.

I never have written these essays on purpose. They have come on their own - in a way - not something I have planned but rather moments that have built up that needed to be expressed. Those moments that have been captured and could never be recreated since those moments are now history.

In writing the essays I have written my life. More of a diary of sorts - each essay has reflected several things.

First is the indescribable pain of the moment. Attempts to put into words what can really not be put into words. We struggle to label those situations - those moments, often scraping together some semblance of a story about what is at its core that indescribable reality.

Few will perhaps ever read the essays as they occurred. That would take someone driven with a desire that would be as powerful as the forces that were instrumental in their creation.

As the essays come to their logical conclusion - I reflect on how much they have been a part of my life. In a way I will miss their comfort. Because even though their stories are often so difficult - writing about that difficulty brought with it a comfort that is equally as difficult to explain.

Establishing the web site for them in December, 2019, was a fitting tribute. A body of knowledge now available to anyone led and inspired to experience the journey in whatever way is necessary for them.

As a person who analyzes and summarizes - I am reluctant to do that in this situation. I will let the enterprise that is completing make it’s own statements. Statements to whomever God leads to share this more terrible of times a person could live through.

And for you - someone who is at least reading this final essay - my prayer is that you are blessed because of your visit. That you may be blessed by what you choose to explore here - what you are led to and what your broken heart needs to hear to help it on its journey.

There is no way to address the intangible in the state of grief. It is an emotional battle of the highest magnitude. A battle that we have already won because of the One who has made it possible to partake in salvation from this broken place.

The lessons I take away from these essays - as I close the symbolic page on this volume and the essays as a group are many. Perhaps too many to really express fully because each one - each essay - on its own has been a lesson.

A lesson of dealing with the pain. Lessons of what has been lived. Lessons from a relationship that is beyond description.

For your journey the lessons you learn - and if I am blessed that you may receive any from what you read here - will be those God is directing you to learn.

My privilege of sharing my lessons with you - will be one of the greatest gifts of my new life.

A gift I and God have freely given to you.

Be blessed by them.

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