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18. One More Goodbye

Updated: May 1, 2020


The end of the end?

Written Monday, February 10, 2020 / Day 182 / Evening


The landscape of grief has been littered with emotional wreckage. In this past month - since the direction of this journey changed on January 12th (Read Volume 5 Essay #19 - “Newness”), the changes have been vast.


The emotional vistas reached an all time high. The artifacts of changes in the netherworld of grief have been undeniable.


Still the base level of life is as empty as ever. The sadness - while lessened - has been unescapable. Like a volatile stock market - the leading indicators have been at every high and low there could be.


After the 5th week of the new world - a decidedly empty Sunday afternoon emerged. The closest to what I might label a “depressed” state that I can remember. My pace stalled - my momentum halted. Seemingly a dead spot in the engine of life - everything seemed to stop for a time. And I could not have cared any less about any of it.


Emerging in a new day this morning a very short but disturbing dream became known to me.


It was unusual because it was about Joann. Except for early on in the journey - I have no recollection of ever dreaming about her at all.


In this dream we were with a group - it seemed to be a restaurant. She was sitting on a long bench seat awaiting others to join the party. I was across the room - I made a totally irrational move (in the dream logic at least) where I approached her. I came up to her - embraced her completely and kissed her repeatedly. I stopped and looked at her and said, “I’m better take the opportunity to kiss you - while there is still time.”


Then I awoke.


Once I realized what the dream had been I was upset. This was not a comforting dream for me - it made me more upset than comforted. Why did I dream this? I was quite upset about the entire episode and regretted that I would remember something that seemed on the surface to me - quite hurtful.


Whether this was the theme of the day or not - I had an unusually forlorn day. It was a cloudy day as well. The mood a bit somber. Something was unsettled.


But on with the day I went. A little lunch. A little laundry. A little of this and a little of that.


Later in the afternoon I was looking at the upcoming birthday list for March.


I had wanted to check on what cards I might have for the future events as March has quite a few of them. I wanted to check to see what cards I should purchase.


Joann had two card storage boxes. In one are cards by category - Birthday, Thank You, etc.


The other has events and also months. I was checking out the topical cards and then went through the months. I saw that there were a lot of cards for the last few months of last year.


As I checked the months and examined the cards I had no idea of what was coming.


When I sorted through the November tab and looked at the cards - one jumped out at me.


It was an Anniversary card. Our Anniversary is November 9th. This card was unmistakably the card she had purchased for our Anniversary.


Her card to me.


As it turned out - her last card to me.


The one I had never known about - until now.


The card?


Front cover: “Always and Forever” with a large heart on the card above the words.


Inside: “That’s how long I’ll love you.”


It is difficult to even write this.


Here was yet another goodbye. Could I withstand yet another one?


By the flow of tears and emotion - the answer was I could not.


And yet - it was like one last affirmation. Not from my memory - or even from the love we shared for all of those years.


It was the last unfulfilled act that became fulfilled today. On this date. In this month of goodbye - a message in a bottle - from the one I love with all of my heart - and always will.


This was in her heart to give to me on our Anniversary. And she did.


Message delivered. Message received.


But I cannot let you go.


Looks like I won’t have to. God has gracefully swept you away to wait for our moment in the future.


Until then I look back to that dream and remember - perhaps this is just what I needed for what is next.


Right now I do not know.


All I know is that I am grateful for this most touching moment from my sweetie.


Her last goodbye.


For now.

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