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19. Contending


A struggle beyond logic.

Written Wednesday, September 4, 2019 / Day 23 / Evening


If I could sum up this day - it has been a day of contending. Everything I have done has seemed to bring up a deep moment of reflection, loss and grief that surprises me and overwhelms me.


It is a memory of something that we did together, a glance at a photo, a moment with something in the house that meant something.


The most regular theme was the deep loss of being together, sharing the things that we did and that now I am alone never to experience any of those activities.


Yes, I already know these things. Yet the reality of the loss steps in and says, "I know you know, but it's time to have a little anguish...".


Well thanks a lot! Just what I need. But then I see her in the situation, get slapped in the face mentally and reminded that she is not here and that I am alone.


And then the tears come.


And more tears.


I see my sweetie in my mind and I just get overwhelmed.


Then I go though my logic routine, she was good with this...now she is not suffering..God decided and she trusted in him...and on and on...


But Mr. Anguish and his friends are too much for my logic.


Logic is no match for emotion.


And so I contend.


I pray for strength. God, is this how it has to be? Is there no other way to say goodbye?


Apparently not as I sob a little more intently.


And then this evening two dear friends called. Both were a soothing salve. It was calming and just what I needed.


But the past and the present are having an argument. And I apparently have a front row seat.


Sort of like those terrible accidents at the motor speedway when a car goes crashing into the stands and people get hurt.


I keep getting hurt.


I pray God can get me a better seat.

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