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19. Meaning

Updated: May 3, 2020


Celebration amidst the sadness.

Written Saturday, November 9, 2019 / Day 89 / Morning


I am the type of person that attaches meaning to things. I’m not sure how that works or why I do it - but I always have. For some, things do not contain any meaning - they are just “things”.


In my world however, things possess something more. Call it sentiment, call it historic, call it what you will - things to me are more than things. They represent either something that took place or something that they point to.


Today would have been our 46th anniversary. I was thinking that in the milestone department I do not have that same connection that I do with things.


Personally, apart from religious events, we were never ones to be overly concerned with dates. We didn’t celebrate the day we moved to Richmond, or the day that this happened or that happened to us.


When I was faced with canceling the hotel reservation we had for this day, at first I was reluctant. Although I thought - “…are you still going to go…by yourself?”. The more I thought about it, the more absurd the idea became. It wasn’t the place or even the time that mattered - but being with her - in the place - that was the point.


I am strangely calm as I write this despite the date - it seems like at this point today has relevance historically - but not any relevance emotionally. I appear to be neutral about the day.


Of course, the day is young - we’ll see what it brings. But for now, there is no deep emotional reaction to what this day means.


Now things, on the other hand, have a great power over me.


As I navigate the house for one reason or another, I find that I run into moments where the things speak to me. A memory is revived. A previous situation unfolds. Past event becomes clear. That’s when it hits me.


My continual prayer is that these situations will ultimately bring me strength. Because the bond I had with my dear sweetie is so strong, so powerful and is so enduring that it just brings back everything that was connected to it.


Sorting out those moments is my job right now. I have two categories for the moments, those that build me up, and those that tear me down.


Those that build me up make me smile. They give me comfort. Right now, those memories seem to be focused on our beginnings. I have begun to write about that time. It was when our love was new - when our relationship was new.


Our relationship was forged in fire. The circumstances beyond the love were intense and formidable. But what was inside of us was more powerful because nothing could stop where we were going.


We would marvel at the time - how so many elements of our life seemed to fall into place.

We had no way of orchestrating any of them on our own - but situations, events and opportunities just became possible and probable. Although in the light of the present - we often lamented about some of the choices we had made and the pain they caused others.


But for us - we were dealing with something that was beyond our conventions of the moment. It was beyond us.


Ultimately that bond that was created became something that despite the obstacles that arose to destroy it - was the foundation of the life I led and gave to her until that day God said it was time for Him to take over and take my sweetie to complete her race. My work was done.


On top of that extraordinary foundation was the life we built. To me it seems, these artifacts, these things are connected to that foundation.


That is perhaps why they are so powerful. They are anchored to something extraordinary - how could they not get a little of that on them? And be so difficult to face now that the bond has been broken.


That time is now over. And they are all I have to hold on to in the present time.


I also am a big context person. I see the entire situation where it seems others only see portions of the whole. Because of this I see the picture that others cannot see. Not that they won’t - they just do not have that perception. This is a frustrating gift because it has always set me apart from the others who do not see what I see.


My sweetie shared some of that with me.


So when I pick up an item - I see a lot. It surrounds me. And if she was a part of it - she surrounds me as well. It is a glorious thing in one sense - but also a toxic thing in another.


In these past 89 days I have expressed emotion on a level that has often stunned me for its intensity and depth. At times it has seemed endless. And in the beginning I let it take me to wherever it would take me. The destination was sadness and all the other emotions that are in grief’s arsenal.


But over time, I have sorted some of those triggers. The sensitivity has lessened and that is a welcome change.


But those elements that have meaning - they are still there. And when they come I now try to direct them to where I want them to go.

To a place of strength.


To a place of peace.


To a place of honor for all she has meant to me.


I do not deny the sadness - but I reject the despair. I’ve done that - I want to think I’ve served my time.


In one sense yes, and in another sense I know there will always be some. But it will not immobilize me anymore.


So on this day, the reminder of the most amazing moment in my life - the sadness I face is now tempered with a new realization.


This is the day I have begun to see the answer to the prayer I have been praying - for so many weeks - to turn my grief into strength.


That wonderful day I long for.


The day that I know is coming.


And today is the day that part of my journey has begun.


What a tremendous tribute to the one I love and to the future I know she would want for me.


The best meaning that this day could ever have.

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