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19. Moving On

Updated: May 1, 2020


It already happened. We have something else to do.

Written Tuesday, February 11, 2020 / Day 183 / Morning


For someone who has no opinion about anything at the moment, no interests and no active future - the one element that does seem to get me going is this concept of “Moving On”.


To the unemotionally involved observers and those who look at life through knowledge without deep empathy - it is just a reality that is part of their perspective on grief.


As if the grief that is bring experienced is just a broken dish that can be repaired, an error that can be corrected - a temporary diversion in a life.


I am here to provide my observations on what I have experienced in grief. And as usual - the world in general, in its superficial - almost childish way of looking at deeper topics of meaning - has it all wrong.


Lest it appear that I am just going to blame “the world”, rest assured that I have vast experience in living in the superficial view of all of this. In my “pre-grief” life - I exhibited all of the attributes about the understandings of the world of grief that I now hold in disdain.


In that sense I am a recovering “grief-denier”.


Now that was not an activist mentality in any way - what I am referencing here is the fact that those outside of the grief experience just have no way of really knowing.


It’s like trying to explain about sky diving (which I have never done but the example fits this topic quite nicely). Someone can explain all they want about the experience. They can even show you a video of their latest jump. You can even go to the airport and see the environment associated with all that is being explained to you.


But no matter how much you can know - how much you can study - how much you can learn - there is just one element that is missing.


The actual experience.


That actual experience of jumping out of a flying aircraft and falling towards the earth until that parachute opens.


Then - and only then - can you really understand.


Understanding grief has that same paradox.


Now do not be depressed that unless you have experienced grief you have no way to help us in this place. You do have a way. You can help us.


Perhaps the best way to help any grieving person is to never, ever try to “fix them”. You cannot fix us. We are broken. Damaged. That’s all there is to it.


Yet we will recover. We just do not need someone giving us a trip-tik to direct us on our future. That is not the help we need.


I rarely use the internet for grief research but when I do I cringe at the information that reaches out to me. Like a carnival hawker beckoning to the passing crowd - “5 Tips on Overcoming Grief!”, “How to Get Your Life back to Normal” - and on it goes.


Like laboratory animals, those of us in grief have been studied and analyzed. Being a recovering over-active systems analyst myself - I truly understand the need of some to quantify, see patterns and trends and make pronouncements based on the information at hand.


Perhaps my very analytical nature rejects the knowledge-based perspectives of looking at grief.


Sure some knowledge is fine - but the stage we are playing on is an emotional one.


Knowledge has no real contribution to what is taking place here. In retrospect you can quantify some of what has taken place in your grief experience. But for the day-to-day, hour by hour reality - knowing anything about even what I am directly facing does not do anything to lessen the effects of that experience.


The idea that you will distance yourself from the pain of the past and somehow activate a new life - is not possible. As in any demographic group - there are some perhaps who can make that happen. Some people do it all the time - I’m sure. But while we are in this valley there is little that can be done to minimize the sting of what brought us here.


In the cosmic scheme of things - we functionally do not really “move on” from anything. The harsh reality is that at the point of loss - at that exact moment - life and everything associated with it “Moved On”. It moved on to a reality that is now missing something to which your life was inextricably linked.


Like a terrible automobile accident that leaves you paralyzed and unable to walk - the “accident” that enrolled you into the state of grief catapulted you into a trauma that is complete and all encompassing. The magnitude of that trauma in direct relationship to how connected - how blended - how together you were on a daily basis with the person who is lost.


As I face yet another marker on my journey of months past my moment - I am at my usual juncture of emptiness, duty and numbness.


I can declare that knowledge has not helped me on this journey. If that was the case I could declare how I got myself out of this mess.


No, knowledge has not aided me nor comforted me in any way.


What has made a difference - and the difference has always been small - very small - were in those times in which I have reached out to my Savior and know that He has reached back.


My grief has been conquered - the fulfillment of that victory awaiting a future date when death will be eliminated.


This current suffering all of us contend with in the grief experience - is a reality that also must be faced in this life until that future time arrives.


Like an addict who will reference themselves with a “recovering…[whatever the problem is]” label - we will always be - at least in this life for the present - a “grieving person”. Our loss - that moment when the world gave us a kick down the stairs and smartly walked on leaving us in a pile at the bottom of the stairs - ever with us.


And why the endless contention in our hearts? The empty days - the empty hours? Why does it just hurt so much?


You see in our grief - wrapped up inside of it - at the very core of all that it represents - is the person we have lost.


My sensibilities are attacked when I hear that I will somehow “Move On” from that. “Move On”? Are you kidding? You mean - “Move On” from what made my world what it was? “Move On” from what gave my life meaning?


“Moving On” is what those who have no emotional ties to the loss will tell you. They have no choice really.


And they are wrong in their observation. Completely - absolutely wrong.


“Moving On” has already taken place.


And we were left behind.


What I have come to understand in this past month - is that I have a lot of my sweetie with me. Not just those “memories” - but how she actually thought - the way she looked at life - all of that is entangled in my thinking - in my very being. Witnessing her endless love to everyone is a constant reminder of her outlook and a constant reminder to me to follow in her steps.


All of what we shared - both good and not so good - part of the foundation that is my life.


I know how she looked at life - at God and our future in His Kingdom. I have all of that with me.


So in the end - those of us in grief can not - will not “Move On”. We can’t do it. We will not leave what made our life our life.


We are taking that with us.


In that sense we are “catching up”. We will live to a point where our “physical therapy” - in whatever way that works for our situation - enables us to take those steps forward.


There is no timetable. There is no deadline. But we will continue on.


If for nothing more than to show the world what we have lost. To teach them about the love that we actively do not have on a daily basis - but have been blessed to have in our very beings - reflected in our actions that celebrate their influence on our lives.


To leave that legacy about our loss - so those around us can know why our grief is so profound. So devastating. So disarming.


Rather than keep our grief inside - we must let it out. We must let the grief we have remind us to let our loved ones live through us. So the world can see the immeasurable gift we were given.


It will never stop hurting. Neither will we ever stop loving those now awaiting their future.


I have prayed from the beginning that my grief will be turned into strength.


This is perhaps the beginning of the answer to that prayer.


I will not be “Moving On” any time soon. Probably never.


But that precious love we had - that gift from God that we let flow though us - it will be the catalyst that takes us who grieve to the life ahead.


The life that has already “Moved On” without us.


But has left us with the most immeasurable gift we could ever have.


That gift of our love for them.


That gift we will gladly share - in so many ways - with all of those we encounter as we live each day without them.

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