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19. Newness

Written Sunday, January 12, 2020 / Day 153 / Afternoon

A thought that has permeated my life from the beginning of this journey is that everything has to be new. I have proved to myself that there is little of my past activities that can survive in my new reality.

There is a pain that cannot be described in most of them that will not be tolerated or desired. So this theme of something new has been in the background of every day.

For the few things that have carried over - I approach them in a totally new way. Park differently at stores - go in different doors. Anything that can be done differently is the goal. When that cannot happen - that objective is just flushed away. It has to be.

Eight weeks ago it had been constantly in my mind that I needed to find a local group to embrace. How to do that I did not know. As the analyst of course, to arrive at a solution - would take a fair amount of analysis. Work to discern what seemed appealing, relevant, helpful and at least not obviously offensive to my sensibilities.

When I got to about the eight week ago time - I had settled on two churches to select. After the final prayers and conclusions I decided on an objective. Now the question - when do I go.

I wanted the first time to be in the new year so I looked to see what date that would be.

January 12th stuck out and slapped me.

Of course, that would be the fifth month anniversary. Not that these monthly anniversaries are emotionally devastating or anything but the relevance to my analytical perspectives was striking and meaningful.

January 12th it would be.

So I went in to training. Each Sunday getting up with a bit more of a purpose that usual with the idea that I would be having to get into a new habit. I even watched other churches streaming web services (some ok some not so much but somewhat helpful for the mood).

Each Sunday I would declare - in so many weeks I will be going.

Amazingly the time came. The day had arrived. I had my outfit prepared, materials to take ready - the plan for the morning in place.

Then time came to execute that plan.

I was not apprehensive in any way. The only concern I did have was meeting new people and not immediately having to dump my pathetic situation on them. That was really the only concern I had. But I prayed that if I was being led to this - that concern would not be a problem.

The people were warm - the greetings sincere. I did not know who I was meeting - turns out many of them were the elders of the church who you would hope would be in the forefront of greeting. The pastor came by and introduced himself. He was warm and energetic. On his way in he was heartily greeting those in the congregation. He seemed to be a leader. This was encouraging.

The service was unique in many ways that were touching to me. Prayers for their sick by their elders, very sincere and energetic preaching and several other unexpected ways things were done.

There was the “band” that a lot of churches have today. I am not a fan of most pop Christian music - it seems a little mindless to me. This music though seemed a little deeper - a bit richer. The songs were encouraging and many of the words touching to me in my present situation.

The church preaches verse by verse though the Bible. This was also compelling to me as the Bible study Joann and I conducted for 8 years did just that. It made the sessions more grounded and less susceptible to going off track and causing problems.

But what got to me was not anything that happened - nothing of what took place was uncomfortable in any way.

As seems to happen to me - the symbolism of things - the way they line up - the “coincidences” some might say that happen are what hits me directly.

Knowing that there are really not any “coincidences” in life - the timing of this day and this new beginning were striking to me.

I am thankful I did not break down when I realized it.

Here I was at the “new thing” in my life.

It was happening on the fifth month anniversary of the worst day in my life. The end of the life I knew and long to have back.

And the service time was 9:45 am.

This was the time my life ended five months past.

My “new life” so to speak would be beginning at that same time.

It is a life that I do not actually want. I have no desire for it as I have written in past essays. But it is the life that has started - like it or not.

God looked down and winked at me. And I knew His hand was on this moment.

I am being taken somewhere and just so I know it is just not my random choice - the symbolism is there to remind me that there is something ahead.

And I have just taken the first step to go there.

19. Newness

Written Sunday, January 12, 2020 / Day 153 / Afternoon

A thought that has permeated my life from the beginning of this journey is that everything has to be new. I have proved to myself that there is little of my past activities that can survive in my new reality.

There is a pain that cannot be described in most of them that will not be tolerated or desired. So this theme of something new has been in the background of every day.

For the few things that have carried over - I approach them in a totally new way. Park differently at stores - go in different doors. Anything that can be done differently is the goal. When that cannot happen - that objective is just flushed away. It has to be.

When I got to about the eight week ago time - I had settled on two churches to select. After the final prayers and conclusions I decided on an objective. Now the question - when do I go.

I wanted the first time to be in the new year so I looked to see what date that would be.

January 12th stuck out and slapped me.

Of course, that would be the fifth month anniversary. Not that these monthly anniversaries are emotionally devastating or anything but the relevance to my analytical perspectives was striking and meaningful.

January 12th it would be.

So I went in to training. Each Sunday getting up with a bit more of a purpose that usual with the idea that I would be having to get into a new habit. I even watched other churches streaming web services (some ok some not so much but somewhat helpful for the mood).

Each Sunday I would declare - in so many weeks I will be going.

Amazingly the time came. The day had arrived. I had my outfit prepared, materials to take ready - the plan for the morning in place.

Then time came to execute that plan.

I was not apprehensive in any way. The only concern I did have was meeting new people and not immediately having to dump my pathetic situation on them. That was really the only concern I had. But I prayed that if I was being led to this - that concern would not be a problem.

The service was unique in many ways that were touching to me. Prayers for their sick by their elders, very sincere and energetic preaching and several other unexpected ways things were done.

There was the “band” that a lot of churches have today. I am not a fan of most pop Christian music - it seems a little mindless to me. This music though seemed a little deeper - a bit richer. The songs were encouraging and many of the words touching to me in my present situation.

The church preaches verse by verse though the Bible. This was also compelling to me as the Bible study Joann and I conducted for 8 years did just that. It made the sessions more grounded and less susceptible to going off track and causing problems.

But what got to me was not anything that happened - nothing of what took place was uncomfortable in any way.

As seems to happen to me - the symbolism of things - the way they line up - the “coincidences” some might say that happen are what hits me directly.

Knowing that there are really not any “coincidences” in life - the timing of this day and this new beginning were striking to me.

I am thankful I did not break down when I realized it.

Here I was at the “new thing” in my life.

It was happening on the fifth month anniversary of the worst day in my life. The end of the life I knew and long to have back.

And the service time was 9:45 am.

This was the time my life ended five months past.

My “new life” so to speak would be beginning at that same time.

It is a life that I do not actually want. I have no desire for it as I have written in past essays. But it is the life that has started - like it or not.

God looked down and winked at me. And I knew His hand was on this moment.

I am being taken somewhere and just so I know it is just not my random choice - the symbolism is there to remind me that there is something ahead.

And I have just taken the first step to go there.

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