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19. Reflections #4


Where are we?

Written Friday, December 13, 2019 / Day 123 / Morning


Looking back is a skill I try to improve upon. Looking back to see what has unfolded but not too much regarding certain times. Yet in my world of no particular future at the moment - the past is all that is there.


The present time is what it is. It is about the day and what absolutely has to be done in it. Often there is no energy or desire for much else.


Realizing as I did the day before Thanksgiving that I am now the curator of the museum of my life. It is not open to the public for within it there is not much the public could ever want.


It is the museum to my dear sweetie and I. The things we acquired - the numerous gifts we received from so many - and of course - the memories of our life that now haunt me if I allow them that access.


As curator I know what my job is. Some of my duties bring on additional sadness for the elements that mean something only to my dear sweetie and me - and to no one else. Those are difficult things to deal with.


My other duties involve identifying what actually has meaning and should be passed along.


There is not a whole lot there as far as I can see. But that may change as my perceptions improve over time.


Then there are the elements that just need to go. Things that really were only here to support us. And when the day comes that there is no one else to support - those things can move on. Some of them I will identify and dispose of - others will just have to hang around for the final disposition team to address.


The family history project is aiding those efforts since in ferreting out the materials for the history I am invariably running into thing of the other categories. Some are easy choices, others will be deferred. In reality - most of them are not needed.


And items that were part of a future path - well those are a bit toxic to me. They will have to hang around until I have the strength to address them.


These two areas of focus - the family history project and museum curator at least have emerged to provide a bit of purpose. Both of these areas point to a very sensitive thing for me right now - the future.


Let’s say they are advance emissaries to that coming time where I will operate fully in the future. For now - an occasional glimpse is all I can really stomach.


This past month’s journey is hard to assess.


All I know is that for now - the focus is on the day to day and will continue to be.


Until one of these days - I run into that future that is waiting for me.

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