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19. Unsettled

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Rest is elusive.

Written Wednesday, October 9, 2019 / Day 58 / Wee Hours of the Night


In my grief experience there seem to be two tracks of life. One is where I am able to reasonably function “normally” - or how I remember operating in my pre-grief life. That’s my task-driven “administrative life” of obligations.


The other side is where everything is somewhat awkward and unsettled.


It is the side of my life that is uncontrollable despite the general pattern I am living in. Within the uncontrollable side I just am not sleeping well. Sleeping in the pattern of my pre-grief life.


Not that the pattern of that time was any real treat either. My wife would have issues sleeping, getting comfortable and as we all face being older - more bathroom encounters than we’d like to have. So sleeping was not always a treat. Many times I would have to flee to the couch from where she was having her sleep issues and I could provide no comfort to her.


So sleep in general has not been a great thing for quite a while.


But now - despite the fact I’m trying to maintain a general pattern as I did before - it’s just not working out all that well. Just a few hours in - <bing> there I am - up. Not able to wind down. And then the worst part of the unsettledness - thinking.


Thinking is the worst thing you can do when you are trying to sleep.


Now I get it - my subconscious right now is a battlefield where titanic emotional upheavals are taking place. Emotions all over the place. The future an unknown - the present in suspended animation and the past littered with memory traps that inflict emotional outbursts of dramatic proportions.


So how could I even dream of sleeping?


If I could dream!


I plan of trying to tire myself a bit more. I brought the exercise machine in the house and am working on getting into an exercise routine - especially on the days where I do not get out on my administrative tasks.


And - I have to consider changing my schedule. I may just stay up a bit later - maybe QVC can put me to sleep!


Lack of sleep is really a potential problem since once you are tired - you start to have all other kinds of problems.


So I’ll try to be creative and go with the flow. I did not sleep well last night but when I did - I slept in until mid-morning. I’ll just have to take it as it comes. Take a nap, sleep in, stay up late.


Just like everything in my life right now - there are no answers. And knowledge is not helpful in that regard.


It is one day at a time.


And that’s how it will be for the time being.

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