4 min read

2. Future Daze

Written Thursday January 16, 2020 / Day 157 / Morning

The future and I have quite a relationship these days. We are both quite resolute in our positions. Each day the future comes to greet me and every day I tell it. “What are you doing here again?”.

You see the future currently represents everything I do not desire. It’s biggest failing is that it does not have any provision for my sweetie. She is not to be a part of the future. It is that reality that I am not prepared to face.

Of course, it is inherently in my nature to be analyzing things so this contention is no different.

It is not that I am just blatantly dismissing the future because I don’t like it - well, actually perhaps I am.

The problem with the future is that I have no concept of how to live in it.

For responsibilities, obligations and physically necessary things I can exist in those aspects for a period of time. But once those reason are resolved, taken care of or met - I drift back into my, “Oh right, I’m in the future now…no thanks I don’t want any of this at all.”.

If you take your life apart - which I am an expert at right now - you will find that you operate in different ways. Operate in the sense that you have a reason for embracing any activity in front of you.

When you are employed, of course, your reason is clear. Then there are interests that you have, hobbies perhaps, other people you share experiences with or obligations you have chosen to take on. All these elements and more make up your operational life as you could call it.

As I have unpacked my existence in these past 5 months one thing has been clear to me. It was not “typical” in any sense. I like the dialog where the statement is something like this, “Most people…..(and what ever the point is).”. The response is, “Well, I’m not most people!”.

That would sum up what I have found.

My pre-grief life was not a picnic on the surface especially for the last 5 years or so. But under the surface was something wonderful. If you have read previous essays you know of that special aspect of my life. That foundation is immense spanning decades of a loving and unique relationship.

As the observers of those of us in grief would agree, “It will be so nice when we see [whoever it is] 'move on' with their life.”. This is really all they can see and as I have previously mentioned all that I saw when I was in the observers club.

Now as a member of the grief club I can see how that perspective is so wrong. When you are inside you find that “moving on” means leaving the most important part of your life behind - because it is no longer there to be there.

And perhaps in the ultimate sense of things that is what must happen.

But in here where life is somewhat of an inextricably tangled mess - that future is just a fog. It is difficult to see because there is something in the way.

What is in the way is our former life.

So in the coldest, most heartless view it could be said that, “Hey, that’s over buddy, you have to leave it behind…and get going into the future.”.

That is most assuredly what we do not want.

I do go through the exercise of thinking - ok, what would that look like? And do you know what I find?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Because in my case specifically, there is no aspect of my pre-grief life that I can re-work to not have some element of my sweetie as a part of it. And because of that - it cannot be tolerated or embraced.

In my case my sweetie was my life. Our interests were together, our entertainment was shared. I did not have “my thing” that I went off and did.

Some relationships are like that - separate compartments that each participant lives in before the participants come together to share the rest of their lives.

I did not have any of that. Ok, my employment was in that category - because it had to be. But other than that - every other aspect of my life had a strong, powerful and obviously enduring connection to my dear sweetie.

I am finding that I cannot execute the majority of the shared interests we had. I hardly watch television - which we hardly watched at all but what I do watch is nothing that we ever watched together. I do not even listen to music at the moment. Places we used to frequent are now off limits because the idea of being there without her is just too much to bear.

So in unwrapping my life, I cannot unwrap the majority of it without finding a significant piece of her as a part that cannot be easily removed or replaced. Even if I wanted to.

Which is what - when the future makes its daily appearance, I have to wave it on, “Please, move on to someone else who cares about you.”.

All I know is that some new thing will come along and perhaps plant a new element or perspective in my life. I have no idea what that could be nor am I really able to project that reality.

So until then, my view of the future will be through a fog, I will remain in that daze when the future shows up each day.

I absolutely know that the fog will lift at some point and the daze I am now in will become something. Something only the future can tell me - when that time is right.

2. Future Daze

Written Thursday January 16, 2020 / Day 157 / Morning

The future and I have quite a relationship these days. We are both quite resolute in our positions. Each day the future comes to greet me and every day I tell it. “What are you doing here again?”.

You see the future currently represents everything I do not desire. It’s biggest failing is that it does not have any provision for my sweetie. She is not to be a part of the future. It is that reality that I am not prepared to face.

Of course, it is inherently in my nature to be analyzing things so this contention is no different.

It is not that I am just blatantly dismissing the future because I don’t like it - well, actually perhaps I am.

The problem with the future is that I have no concept of how to live in it.

For responsibilities, obligations and physically necessary things I can exist in those aspects for a period of time. But once those reason are resolved, taken care of or met - I drift back into my, “Oh right, I’m in the future now…no thanks I don’t want any of this at all.”.

If you take your life apart - which I am an expert at right now - you will find that you operate in different ways. Operate in the sense that you have a reason for embracing any activity in front of you.

When you are employed, of course, your reason is clear. Then there are interests that you have, hobbies perhaps, other people you share experiences with or obligations you have chosen to take on. All these elements and more make up your operational life as you could call it.

As I have unpacked my existence in these past 5 months one thing has been clear to me. It was not “typical” in any sense. I like the dialog where the statement is something like this, “Most people…..(and what ever the point is).”. The response is, “Well, I’m not most people!”.

That would sum up what I have found.

My pre-grief life was not a picnic on the surface especially for the last 5 years or so. But under the surface was something wonderful. If you have read previous essays you know of that special aspect of my life. That foundation is immense spanning decades of a loving and unique relationship.

As the observers of those of us in grief would agree, “It will be so nice when we see [whoever it is] 'move on' with their life.”. This is really all they can see and as I have previously mentioned all that I saw when I was in the observers club.

Now as a member of the grief club I can see how that perspective is so wrong. When you are inside you find that “moving on” means leaving the most important part of your life behind - because it is no longer there to be there.

And perhaps in the ultimate sense of things that is what must happen.

But in here where life is somewhat of an inextricably tangled mess - that future is just a fog. It is difficult to see because there is something in the way.

What is in the way is our former life.

So in the coldest, most heartless view it could be said that, “Hey, that’s over buddy, you have to leave it behind…and get going into the future.”.

That is most assuredly what we do not want.

I do go through the exercise of thinking - ok, what would that look like? And do you know what I find?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Because in my case specifically, there is no aspect of my pre-grief life that I can re-work to not have some element of my sweetie as a part of it. And because of that - it cannot be tolerated or embraced.

In my case my sweetie was my life. Our interests were together, our entertainment was shared. I did not have “my thing” that I went off and did.

Some relationships are like that - separate compartments that each participant lives in before the participants come together to share the rest of their lives.

I did not have any of that. Ok, my employment was in that category - because it had to be. But other than that - every other aspect of my life had a strong, powerful and obviously enduring connection to my dear sweetie.

So in unwrapping my life, I cannot unwrap the majority of it without finding a significant piece of her as a part that cannot be easily removed or replaced. Even if I wanted to.

Which is what - when the future makes its daily appearance, I have to wave it on, “Please, move on to someone else who cares about you.”.

All I know is that some new thing will come along and perhaps plant a new element or perspective in my life. I have no idea what that could be nor am I really able to project that reality.

So until then, my view of the future will be through a fog, I will remain in that daze when the future shows up each day.

I absolutely know that the fog will lift at some point and the daze I am now in will become something. Something only the future can tell me - when that time is right.

Recent Posts

Comments