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2. Mixed Feelings

Updated: May 2, 2020


A little bit of everything.

Written Monday, October 14, 2019 / Day 63 / Evening


Feelings these days are all over the place. As I finished night 2 of a relatively “Normal” night of eight hours of sleep I was feeling a tiny bit of “settledness” (not a word but I keep using it).


As I prepared this day for tomorrows trip to Buffalo I have a combination of strange, weird and surreal. Sadness crept in a few times today as I ran into things that set off the triggers of past memories. I caught myself most times with the understanding that I was not quite ready to go down those paths as of yet.


All in all, the preparations were a distraction. Sending messages to those I hope to see when there - not really planning anything too tightly which goes against my nature. My nature though is under siege right now meaning that some of the things I start to do really can not be done at the present.


I am so out of it I headed out to the bank and post office only to find that they were closed. It is Columbus Day today. Missed that one by a mile. Just another reminder of where my mind is.


So I redoubled my review of trip preparations to make sure I have not forgotten some major element.


I received a call today from the Bon Secours Hospice that runs the grief support groups. I had discussed with the Writing group coordinator that I might be interested in their loss of a spouse group but because of my trip I would miss the first session so I was not sure that would be ok.


I neglected to mention this to the coordinator at the last writing group session so I thought that was the end of it.


The call today confirmed that it was not. I mentioned my absence this week and the coordinator was ok with that. So there will be 5 sessions beginning on the 24th of October from 2 to 3:30 at the same location as the writing group.


I took this as an indication I should probably go. I was ok either way - perhaps my current ambivalence to everything was at work there.


So I continued through the day - wrapping up things, preparing the house.


My son and his family will be at the Baptist Church’s Special Needs yearly retreat in Lynchburg this weekend - leaving Thursday and returning Sunday.


The coordination was perfect (although I know who is really coordinating this). We will both be taken care of so that is reassuring.


Plus this is the Feast of Tabernacles week (starting today) . The annual celebration of God’s millennial reign. Something I won’t explain here but a time of deep meaning to my wife and I. The fact I am away during this time is also quite comforting to me.


But the pulls of despair are all around me. They feel less in a way - perhaps all the focus on the trip has reduced their power.


But there is the emptiness in the background. Every time it comes I plead to God to turn those emotions into strength to honor her.


So as I wind down, put the last elements in place I am experiencing my current kind of calm.


It’s not normal, regular calm - sort of like a pot on a slow boil - it’s the lack of deep intensity that is welcome.


Feelings that are incompatible fighting for a place in my heart.


We’ll see what this trip does for them.


It’s going to be a wild ride of emotions - but one that is necessary.


A trip of mixed feelings.


And my dear sweetie at the heart of all of them.

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