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2. Shredded

Written Saturday, December 14, 2019 / Day 124 / Evening

Part of my new reality is disposing of the past. We all keep things around - some of us for too long. In my case I attach significance to things which can lead to accumulating this and that.

My sweetie was like that as well. She was a researcher in a sense - always interested in exploring new ideas in health - we weren’t distilled water / raw milk people by any means - but an awareness of what we were eating was a passion of hers since soon after we got together in the mid 1970’s.

That pesky reality is now with me and it tells me to throw out what no one else would ever want or care about. I know my son will not want a lot of this material - so as the weeks unfold - I am gathering the material and sorting though it to perhaps find something of the family history buried in there with the other items.

This of course has led to a general quest for certain things I remember having but have no idea of where they actually are. This is, in effect, a subtle way to actually categorize the other items I am finding on the way to the elusive materials I know are out there.

So it’s sort of a two-for-one deal. In searching for what I am looking for - I am also preparing other items for their final disposition.

What I am finding - when I actually am sorting through the items of the moment - is how settling it is to throw things away. Not seeing a future for an item - which is ironic that the judge is one who has no future at the moment - it is sent on its way to the recycling bin.

Finding those items that bring up moments of the family history are especially encouraging. I know they will help me tell the story I have begun to construct. Either as an item that can be included in the actual narrative or that can be used to accompany the material is a related scrapbook - those finds are a small bright spot in a generally not so bright existence.

An unexpected additional comfort was that certain items have personal information on them so to insure privacy I have to shred them. Well shredding has turned out to be as comforting as a medicine for some reason.

Medical records are especially exciting to shred. I think the finality that shredding brings to a document - and our shredder is one of those ‘cross-cut” shredders that turns the strips into little chunks of paper that can never be reassembled - is a declaration of some kind to my subconscious.

There’s a finality in that I am finding strangely comforting.

Perhaps it’s a tiny power that I have to declare the last word on whatever the document had to do with. The medical documents are especially comforting. I don’t want to live or remember those times at the moment. So shredding the documents seems to bring me a sense that I am eliminating a way to ever bring that particular memory back to life - in that way at least.

This might seem a little trivial to you - but to me in this relatively hopeless place of grief - any small - even symbolic gesture - of giving some unwanted aspect of the past a finality that cannot be reversed is a pleasure I never expected.

Find a document.

Oh good, it’s a medical folder.

Shred. Shred. Shred.

Ahhh…..bye bye.

Perhaps I’m making too big a deal about this discovery.

But clearing up the past even in a small way - just seems to be pleasing in some strange way.

Greeting cards are another thing.

There is not as much satisfaction in parting with many of them. You will be shocked to know we kept almost all we have ever received. I don’t know why. It’s that attachment thing again - I’m sure.

But reviewing ones from people who are no longer here to other people who are no longer here brings a weird feeling that cannot be articulated. Perhaps several emotions are colliding together here and no particular one seems to emerge as the winner.

Saving them seems fruitless - there is no one to care in a sense.

I am for now keeping all the anniversary, birthday, etc. cards from my wife. I’ll need those for a while I believe.

But those others - their season has come and gone. The wishes were appreciated. The handwritten notes also a nice touch. But the season is gone so they have to move on as well.

So as time marches on - dragging me along behind it for now - I will continue the quest and continue to settle the past.

Who knew the shredder would be the tool that would help settle it.

2. Shredded

Written Saturday, December 14, 2019 / Day 124 / Evening

Part of my new reality is disposing of the past. We all keep things around - some of us for too long. In my case I attach significance to things which can lead to accumulating this and that.

My sweetie was like that as well. She was a researcher in a sense - always interested in exploring new ideas in health - we weren’t distilled water / raw milk people by any means - but an awareness of what we were eating was a passion of hers since soon after we got together in the mid 1970’s.

This of course has led to a general quest for certain things I remember having but have no idea of where they actually are. This is, in effect, a subtle way to actually categorize the other items I am finding on the way to the elusive materials I know are out there.

So it’s sort of a two-for-one deal. In searching for what I am looking for - I am also preparing other items for their final disposition.

What I am finding - when I actually am sorting through the items of the moment - is how settling it is to throw things away. Not seeing a future for an item - which is ironic that the judge is one who has no future at the moment - it is sent on its way to the recycling bin.

An unexpected additional comfort was that certain items have personal information on them so to insure privacy I have to shred them. Well shredding has turned out to be as comforting as a medicine for some reason.

Medical records are especially exciting to shred. I think the finality that shredding brings to a document - and our shredder is one of those ‘cross-cut” shredders that turns the strips into little chunks of paper that can never be reassembled - is a declaration of some kind to my subconscious.

There’s a finality in that I am finding strangely comforting.

This might seem a little trivial to you - but to me in this relatively hopeless place of grief - any small - even symbolic gesture - of giving some unwanted aspect of the past a finality that cannot be reversed is a pleasure I never expected.

Find a document.

Oh good, it’s a medical folder.

Shred. Shred. Shred.

Ahhh…..bye bye.

Perhaps I’m making too big a deal about this discovery.

But clearing up the past even in a small way - just seems to be pleasing in some strange way.

Greeting cards are another thing.

There is not as much satisfaction in parting with many of them. You will be shocked to know we kept almost all we have ever received. I don’t know why. It’s that attachment thing again - I’m sure.

But reviewing ones from people who are no longer here to other people who are no longer here brings a weird feeling that cannot be articulated. Perhaps several emotions are colliding together here and no particular one seems to emerge as the winner.

Saving them seems fruitless - there is no one to care in a sense.

I am for now keeping all the anniversary, birthday, etc. cards from my wife. I’ll need those for a while I believe.

But those others - their season has come and gone. The wishes were appreciated. The handwritten notes also a nice touch. But the season is gone so they have to move on as well.

So as time marches on - dragging me along behind it for now - I will continue the quest and continue to settle the past.

Who knew the shredder would be the tool that would help settle it.

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