2. Sick Day

Written Friday, November 15, 2019 / Day 95 / Evening

A very unusual thing happened to me today - something that has not happened for a long time. I had a sick day.

I had a lunch scheduled but the previous evening I began feeling off. Sneezing and coughing a bit. It didn’t seem like a cold - possibly it was a sinus thing - who knows.

All I knew was that when I woke up - I had to cancel the lunch. It had been a big week.

This week the moment I was dreading was the dental appointment I had for the six month checkup and cleaning. It was something we did together - in recent years, since she could not go out on her own, we scheduled them together. That was normal.

This week I had to go alone. That was not normal. So I was anticipating it with apprehension.

I’m not sure exactly what it was - I think just preparing for meeting with people who had known what happened but I had not directly had contact with - until now.

I had bought treats for the office staff. She loved to bring things to the staff at all the doctors we visited and I could do nothing less. I even put a special gift together for the dentist. He is a wonderful man in so many ways - and a great dentist as well.

So after that high point - the emotions of the week ran high. The next day I had a lunch with former co-workers and then afterwards the 5th session of the coping with the loss of a spouse support group. Then on to my son’s for dinner.

So there was a lot going on - for me.

At the support group I felt a little off. I thought it was stress. At the dentist appointment I had felt the same way - I chalked it up to stress.

Well, it was this cold-ish thing coming on.

And Thursday night it hit.

Sleep was a mild struggle. Waking up confirmed that I was off enough to not go and called to cancel the lunch. It wasn’t severe. It just was there - enough to take me out for a while.

And then it got me thinking.

I am alone and sick.

One of the new realities.

I prayed and slept on and off throughout the day.

It seemed to get a bit better as the day went on. But in the background the though process was going on. I think grief was attempting a new approach.

It wasn’t enough to have the emotional minefield laid out in front of me - the one I have to regularly navigate so I don’t accidentally step on a trigger and hurt myself.

This new approach was a bit of fear for the future.

Hey, wait a minute - don’t touch that “future”. Remember, I don’t want the future at the moment - so stay away!

But the thoughts rolled on through out the day.

These were not intense thoughts at least - but they were just there.

Now, I have a new leak to patch. I will not fret about a future I have no clue about. I will not get upset in advance for situations I dream up that may never happen. That’s what I am trying to stop. I want to stop re-living past negative events that no longer need to be replayed over and over.

Seems like I have a pair of bookends now.

So be aware of the trap of re-living the past. And be aware that making up future scenarios that have not happened and getting upset about them is just as bad.

Something to be aware of.

And something I know God will give me the strength to navigate.

Who knew having a sick day would be so much work.